The million dollar question
Why am I with SO, why do I put up with crazy SKs and BM?
No he doesn't have a magical penis LOL! I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a partner after being married to a malignant narcissist.
I had what I thought was the most amazing relationship ever following my divorce. Only to find out I found the same man in different sheep's clothing and ended up with a covert narcissist. I ran as fast as I could when I started seeing the red flags. It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I was addicted to the man like a drug.
I learned so much about myself and what I truly wanted in a partner from those experiences. I found all of it in SO. If you were to take away SKs and the drama and chaos our relationship is perfect in every other way.
I had no idea SO had been infatuated with me for 30 years. When we got together and still til this day. He shows me in his actions treats me like I am the most valuable thing in his life
Each day he is excited to see me and hear from me, always getting up from wherever he is to greet me at the door when I come home. He is unbelievably affectionate. When I am sleeping or napping he comes into the room to check on me and watches me sleep for a few minutes then kisses me on the forehead before leaving. He comes to bed at night even if he is not tired to sit with me and rub my back.
He is extremely thoughtful, always taking time to make me hand crafted gifts and beautiful furniture.
He will do things I know he doesn't enjoy just to spend time with me.
Most importantly at least to me. He apologizes, admits when he is wrong and is willing to bend over backwards to go to counseling or to change.
SO is more sensitive than most men, he does get emotional at times. He is not a great parent when it comes to disciplining his kids. He has PTSD from years of emotional abuse from BM and her little pawns, including her 3 older children and her crazy family. He endured years of abuse, manipulation and trauma from all of them. He didn't know or understand what he was dealing with, he just felt helpless.
It is exhausting some days for me because I see what he doesn't. Because I am stronger than him and I am the glue that holds things together.
I try to be empathetic with what SO is experiencing because even though I have overcome the narcissistic abuse I suffered from exH. I will never forget the constant fear and anxiety I felt for years after leaving always wondering what is he going to do now?
I lived my life always trying to think ahead and prepare myself for his rage. Sharing a child with a narcissist is worse than the relationship itself. I had the knowledge and tools to protect myself. SO didn't but he is learning. But this is just the beginning and BM has punished him in very hurtful ways, the worst being alienating OSD.
It will be a lot of work in his part and I want to be there for him the way he is there for me. I don't want to walk away from someone who is so kind and loving, unfortunately to a fault
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I've seen it posted before:
I've seen it posted before:
Of course a man is perfect if you strip away the responsibilities.
We'd all be a lot better as people if we didn't have to worry about pesky things like kids and finances and family dynamics and personal trauma, etc.
But, we have to handle those things WHILE being a good and loving partner AND not letting our personal responsibilities and trauma wreak havoc on other people's lives.
This isn't me telling you to leave your SO. This is me telling you not to give your SO too much of a pass just because he's good at one facet of being a good and loving partner. His tenderness made him a prime target for being taken advantage of, and that needed to be met with therapy and growth on his part to not allow trauma to infect his kids and his future partner(s).
You can empathize with someone while also expecting them to fix their sh*t and with a quickness. I think you understand that, but don't let forehead kisses and backrubs outweigh disrespect and ostriching that results in chaos in your life.
Remember, too, that his best may still not be good enough for you. That isn't a failure on his part, either. That's just incompatibility.
I do understand that and
I do understand that and struggle with that internal battle with myself often. I know I can't fix this for him. He has to do it himself.
I guess I still I have hope for him to learn how to set boundaries and take back control of his life. I do see him try and I know it's a process and at this point I am still willing to hang in there and haven't given up on him yet.
As chaotic as SKs and BM are. I would have left a long time ago if DS was being harmed emotionally or otherwise. But DS and YSD have a good relationship. Also DS adores SO and is very close to him.
Do I walk away and disrupt DS life again or even though it's hard for me sometimes or do I stay and try to make it work as long as SO is willing to put in the work to.
Which he is, as hard as it must be for him he is finally starting to be honest with himself about his true feelings and his vulnerabilities.
Your DH is who he is and some
Your DH is who he is and some of the very traits you admire about him are also the flaws that are allowing the issues with his EX and skids to wreak havoc.
BM didn't make him insecure and unsure of himself. She didn't make him a passive person. That is what he is. He picks "strong women".. for better or worse. You and his EX have that in common... strength.. that he doesn't have. The same desire to please you and care for you is what keeps him trying to "please his ex and kids".. and makes it impossible to stand up to them.
I mean, I get it, it's a happier mental picture to believe that our significant other has been damaged by their EX.. that it is not their fault.. but in almost all cases.. there is an underlying character in our spouses that put them in those situations.. and that prevents them from dealing with them in a healthy manner... and it isn't the Ex'es fault. I am not saying that part of the reason why they "picked him" as a partner was that they could hold the remote so to speak..but the lack of dealing with conflict.. the rolling over personality.. the "emotionalness" that freezes them from action? those are all parts of his personality.. even the "chasing after" with back rubs..and checking ins and relief when you walk in the room.
Like you found in the past.. sometimes you think you are getting a different kind of person.. when you are getting the "same thing".. I did that too. And my husband now is a very different person.. different to the point where I actually wasn't sure I wanted to date him when we first met. He was always letting me pick the restaurant.. the activity.. the tv show.. he always did. At first, I thought it was because he was "weak and didn't have an opinion".. but over time, I have realized that it was more that he really didn't care and since he liked "all food".. and knew I was more selective.. no skin off his nose to let me pick. Of course, now after almost 15 years.. I have found that he has a lot of strength and resolve underneath... I might have thought he was "one way" at first.. but he has proved to be much more complex than that.
But, I find that his flexibility doesn't only extend to me.. it also extends to his kids. He was rarely super authoritarian with them. But, he also wasn't with me. He rarely "fought" with BM.. but he doesn't with me. It's not really avoiding conflict so much as he picks and chooses the important things he needs to focus on and doesn't waste it on every minor issue. He would buy his kids treats like special snacks to take to school when he drove them home for the week.. but he does the same for me.. goes to the grocery store and comes back with my faves. But, he doesn't overlavish on them and ignore me.. but he does try to make his family happy.
So.. yeah.. you have to understand that sometimes a good trait has two sides to it.. and underlying causes that may not be readily apparent. Also, as nice as it would be to just outright blame the exes and skids for all the problems.. your SO also plays a primary role in the dysfunction and it's not pstd from that relationship.. it's how he is wired likely. Unfortunately, sometimes when we pay for that backbone replacement surgery.. we find that they find their backbone with us too.. haha.
This needs to be mandatory
This needs to be mandatory reading, included in a brochure for every new SP (or just spouse). Very well put, ESMOD!
I do agree with a lot of what
I do agree with a lot of what you have said. But if I hadn't kniwn him for the last 30 years I would make the same judgement also.
He is not the same person he used to be who was overly confident and full of life and somewhat arrogant. He does suffer from anxiand depression.
I do agree he has to put in the work to change and develop healthy boundaries. I can't do that for him. I also know if he isn't going to. I can't be the one to do it for him.
Not everyone is wired the same. I never allowed my ex to break me. I never allowed him to twist my mind or have control over me. It was exhausting emotionally and mentally draining. I knew when he was gaslighting me, trying to manipulate me and project his behaviors on to me.
I watched one of my closest friends be brought down to a shell of her former self by a narcissist. . She was strong, independent and successful. I watched over 4 years her be destroyed emotionally, financially, in every way. This is an educated woman who spent her life working with dysfunctional families and she was imprisoned emotionally by this man. He used her and abused her in every way. Then would play mind games with her to confuse her reality.
Still she couldn't help herself. Even after the relationship ended it took her years to get herself out of the depression she fell into and to find herself again. This only happened after she found the strength to go no contact with him.
BM did the same with SO, she became pregnant right away they weren't even dating 6 months and it was long distance. He was told he couldn't have kids by a Dr. He knew nothing about her. But was going to stay because he didn't want to raise a kid in a broken home.
Immediately he not only had to deal with BM constantly trying to control everything, being irresponsible and causing drama. He had to deal with her family constantly doing the same. Then Thier were her kids who disrespected him daily. Saying mom says we don't have to listen to you. BM would fight with SO if he redirected them. She also would allow them to punish him by urinating in his drinks, destroying his belongings and whatever else she could think of.
BM would not support him getting employment that he wanted as a career not just one that paid the bills because he would've to go away for training. She would threaten to take the kids and leave if he took the job.
BM had her own mother arrested for slapping one of her kids after he called the grandmother a whore. BM had her two older boys attack her own brother and break his ribs.
BM would give away and sell SOs things. Her family would come over and eat all the food and take what they wanted. BMs mother even opened up credit cards in SOs name and spent thousands.
After SO left it was still much of the same. BM hiding the kids, her family helping her. Restraining orders. Emotional abuse of the kids. Her kids and family destroyed the house he bought and the car after he left.
Even today YSD is sitting waiting for BM to pick up OSD so she can give her a card she made her in hopes BM will want to see her.
BM will deflect any responsibility for not seeing her kid for a few hours. She will most likely blame YSD. Them YSD will be angry and upset and SO gets to deal with the fallout.
I'm with Lt. Dad. His kid are
I'm with Lt. Dad. His kid are such a huge part of his life and ALWAYS WILL BE, that you can't say he's perfect except for this huge issue.
You cut him a lot of slack for being "abused" while admitting you overcame it yourself and remained a strong woman. Hold him to that same standard. My DH also realized he was abused by BM - that made him resolve even more not to allow BM or SS to abuse him further.
And, as long as you keep doing the parenting for him (which you are under a different name with the landlord/tenant contract), he won't learn what you hope he will.
Honestly, I think you are a strong woman with a weak and passive man. That might be okay with you, and that's fine, but own it as it is. Not as you hope it will be.