I'm struggling with disengaging. Not because I feel inclined to step in any longer and handle things, I'm very much soooo over that. See my last blog a few weeks ago about the ice cream incident, that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back.

I no longer:
Do SD12's Laundry
Remind her to do her chores (If he doesn't make her do them, he can do them. If he doesn't do them, they just don't get done.)
Care about what she eats (junk food it is then)
Tell her to pick up her room (I did tell her to keep the door closed because the puppy keeps going in there and chewing up all the little stuff left on the floor, hair ties, plastic wrappers, lip gloss, glitter sticks, etc. I will not let my dog suffer because of her.)
Look at the clock to see if she is up past bed time and then remind him that it is bed time.
Remind him to sign her up for activities (he missed the deadline on softball, she is lucky to be on a team at all.)
Etc, Etc. You get the point. It is liberating. I feel so free!

I know that the disengaging is more DH's fault than hers, if he would have let me be a true partner with him and would have talked to me about things and if he would have stepped up to the plate and parented her, there really would be no problem. But she is turning into a selfish, self centered, entitled, lazy, spoiled brat. Even HE complains about her. Just last week he was complaining that she thinks the world revolves around her and doesn't know that No means No. Next time he does, I'm going to say, "Don't answer this question, but just think about it: As her parent, what are YOU going to DO about it?" The funny thing is that between DH, BM and me, I'm the only one that only has to ask her once to do something. I'm the only one that she won't back talk to because she knows I shut it down. I'm the only one that can temper consequences and discipline with loving kindness at the same time. I'm the only one that backs up my threats with actually following through. But oh well, not my kid not my problem, right?

I guess my problem is that I really do care about this girl, and I feel disconnected/detached from her. We did have a pretty good relationship, she used to talk to me about stuff. Be excited to see me. Wanted to do stuff with me. Would talk to me about her day at school. Now, when she gets home from school she doesn't even say hello. She just goes to her room and closes the door. I know some of this is age related, heading into the teen years. I miss the fun times with her, but now I just don't even want to be around her. And even DH has noticed that I isolate myself in the house when she is here or I disappear somewhere else. He can see that I want nothing to do with her and is upset by it. How do you disengage without detaching? Is it something that just comes in time?