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Now that SKID is visiting again, I am irritated because:

What_now's picture

Now that SKID (SD9) is visiting again, I am irritated because:

• I’ll have to ask for privacy every morning when I want to get dressed in my own bedroom (she comes and crawls into bed with DH in the morning – which is fine if she could recognize when it’s time to leave the room again – I could smack DH for making me ask every morning – then he doesn’t feel like getting up or telling her to leave so he tells her to turn her head the other way!!!). I need to say more about this: Am I strange for not wanting to undress in front of her? I don’t think so, but even though DH hasn’t said so in so many words, he obviously thinks I’m just being difficult.

• I will have to wash my hair and BD2’s with lice shampoo while she’s around, because she visits with a head full of head lice every time.

• My BD2 will hate me for a while because I’ll be cautious and comb her hair with a fine tooth comb – she has curly, frizzy hair (unlike SDs very straight hair).

• I’ll have to remove my shower gel and shampoo from the shower every night if I don’t want her to use it all (and then lie to me about it!).

• I’ll have to make sure that I shower at night (she showers in the morning) if I want any hot water.

• If I do shower in the morning (after her – in cold water), I’ll have to contend with a drenched bathroom and mat.

• DH won’t do certain things around the house that he normally does, because he’s visiting with SD9.

• DH will do certain things around the house that he doesn’t normally do (and doesn’t need to do), because it has entertainment value for SD9.

• DH will be buying her sweets and presents from every shop that they visit.

• She’ll be imitating BD2 in the way that she speaks – very irritating having a 9 year old calling daddy in a two year old voice and repeating all the little endearing phrases that BD2 says.

• I’ll have to hide the snacks I buy for BD2 for pre-school or otherwise will have to put up with finding none available when I need it (cereal bars, dried fruit, nuts etc.).

• I’ll have to hide my sweets and chocolates (which I only eat once a week – her dad buys her these things all the time) if I actually want to have any to eat.

And those are just the few things that I could think up at first go – feel free to add some (I certainly will – as part of my own personal venting exercise).

Oh, I thought of a nickname for SD9 – it’s PEBT – I won’t tell you what it stands for because it has to do with physical features and I feel a bit like a rat for being nasty (she can’t help what she looks like after all). Anyway, I don’t feel bad enough not to use the name, so I’m obviously just an old wicked stepmother cow, but whatever. I pronounce it with a silent b, like debt!


Plex's picture

Oh boy....This sounds exactly like SD11 when she was 9. These are just a few points I see made that I want to touch on and commiserate with you on:

The food issue stemmed from her mother completely restricting food in their house. She comes here and went hog wild. I had to hide food too. I set out portions for her and when they were gone, she was done for the day. This has since seemed to rectify itself in 2 years...hang in there.

Shower products....yup. Been there, done that too. I gave her trial sizes while she was here and that was all she had, nothing of mine or DD's.

The shower thing..yes. Perhaps discussing with her how you shower in your home would help?

Lice--now, there is something I would NOT tolerate. Your DH needs to take care of that before she stepped in your home. That should not be something you should have to contend with. Im scratching sitting here typing this. No way, no how! YUCK YUCK YUCK

Buying items--yes, this used to be a problem in our home w/ the grandparents. SD would get all sorts of stuff while DD would get nothing. After I made DH speak to them about it, it came out that they were trying to buy the attention they could not give to her--guilt.

Over-all, this is your home, and YOU are in charge. kids need guidance. Don't be afraid to say something in a calm low tone. Don't be afraid to say something about the undressing thing...your home, your room, your privacy. Id tell my DH he can go pound rocks if he didnt like my saying something.

oceangirl3's picture

OMG! This is my SD10 and 1/2 to a tee. It is soooo scary. I feel you though. I do hope it gets better and I feel, like you evil, for asking the very basic of things of SD. There are zero boundaries and it is really sad. I have so much built up resentment because of it. My boyfriend has yet to face reality.

Jsmom's picture

I had to hide my chocolate. From all the kids. I just now keep a stash of stuff I like in my nightstand. I got tired of it being gone when I had a craving. Honestly as for the bedroom, no kids belong in your room. That is private space for a husband and wife. Why is she even in the room???

mom2five's picture

The undressing thing should not be an issue. "Get out...I'm getting dressed". Really, that's not difficult to say. And by not saying, you are allowing her to cause you to feel resentment.

Cleaning up the bathroom..."SD, I'm not stepping onto a wet mat again. Hang your towel close to the shower. Turn off the water. And dry off while you are still standing in the shower".

Daddy's like to buy their little girls stuff. If they don't see them all the time, they tend to go overboard. I would let that one go.

The lice thing. Check her head before she walks in the door. If she has lice, she goes back home. That's not unfair. If you end up getting lice in your house, you have to deal with all the washing and spraying nonsense. No way would would I accept that. Kids get lice. There is nothing her mother can do about that. Even the cleanest kids end up with lice. But that doesn't mean she should contaminate your house. That's why they send kids home from school if they find lice. It's a nightmare to get rid of if they start spreading.

Give her a time limit on the shower. "SD, you have 10 minutes to take your shower". Give her a two minute warning at minute 8. Then walk in and turn off the water.

Buy her her own shower gel and shampoo. Keep yours in a basket under the sink.

I wouldn't hide the chocolate. Just tell her it's your special treat and she can't have it. If she touches it, there is an immediate and logical consequence.

I guess my point is the same as the earlier poster. Your house...Your rules. You can't expect her to follow rules that don't exist or are not enforced.

buttercookie's picture

I agree with all of this. I was hiding stuff and trying to get privacy from SS without standing up for myself and I grew resentful and SS learned who was boss here. I didn't reclaim my home until I stopped acting like I was a guest and worrying about his feelings.

mom2five's picture

I'm not sure where that tendency comes from. But I remember doing that as well early in my marriage. It was almost like I was afraid to offend the kids. I got over it quickly by asking myself what I would say to my biological kids in the same situation.

If there is a kid in my room (and there wouldn't be unless he was sick or had a nightmare or something), I wouldn't hesitate to say..."Out! I'm getting dressed". Hell, I have a favorite chair in our family room. I kick the kids out of it all the time.

poisonivy's picture

"I didn't reclaim my home until I stopped acting like I was a guest and worrying about his feelings."

Very well put, Buttercookie. I was the same way at first. Then I noticed that Skids were NOT walking on eggshells around me, and I asked myself why I WAS??????? It was a matter og getting mentally past those eggshell issues. MY house, MY rules...and that goes for all kids, pets, and any visitors!

hismineandours's picture

next time she's in your bedroom-I'd strip it all off and walk around nekkid! my guess is your sh would then decide some boundaries are a good idea