DH has two families
Has anybody else experienced the hurt that you feel your DH lives a double life with two families. I know that nothing will change the fact that his kids are part of his life but when he goes behind your back to visit adult daughter and grand skid and doesn't share it with you to deliberately withhold I feel it is lying. It is not him visiting it is withholding the truth. When I found out and asked him he blew up and told me he doesn't have to tell me- what is it I don't get- I thought relationships are built on honesty and sharing your life together and what happens in your day. He turned it around and threatened to leave to the point of packing his bags.. I told him if he walked out the door, he would never be allowed back. DH thought twice about it and stayed- this was all because he was found out and confronted about being deceitful.
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That's awful! FDH does a
That's awful! FDH does a pretty good job of making me feel important in his life. I know I am lucky that he is that way, but I don't think I could live with the lying.
It is very hurtful, it just
It is very hurtful, it just creates a air of dishonesty. I feel I've put up the emotional wall again because of past hurts and thought we were getting on so well lately until I found out he was being deceitful. He has been living a lie. He probably thought he was being clever going behind my back and not sharing that part of his life with me.
Did you ask him why he didn't
Did you ask him why he didn't tell you? Maybe make it clear what your boundaries are. For example: I don't mind you seeing your daughter and grandchild. BEcause she doesn't like me it would not be sensible for me to go with you. I get that. All I need is to know when you are going there, when you plan on getting back and how your grandchild is is.
One reason you can give him is what would happen if he was in an accident and wnet off the side of the road and noo one knew where he could be and if he was late or not.
If he still was obstructive it would make me rethink my position. Either the walls go back up and you make the best of the situation or you make other choices. I don't envy you.
Your husband told you he
Your husband told you he doesn't have to tell you anything... and he blew up at you when you asked him why he was sneaking around. Okay, so it is him and his kids in one corner and then you in the other. That will not change. If he has the audacity to yell at you for asking him to be honest, and you even said he likely felt clever for going behind your back... well, it sounds like he has little respect for you.
Why do you want him to stay? So you can have more disrespect heaped upon you? Don't you think you deserve more?
The reason is he created a no
The reason is he created a no win situation. We had been separated for some time. Before I moved back in, I stated firm boundaries that his skids were to ring before they came around as in the past they could turn up at any time. He agreed that was fair and is basic courtesy. The relationship with them has always been rocky but I always spoke civilly to keep the peace , many times I could have put them in their place but chose not to but not any more, I'm tired of their deep seated resentment. Anyway he told one of the adult daughters that if they were to come around they were to ring and if they had a problem with me not to come around at all and they were to ring me-WTF - we had a fight over this and I told him they won't ring me after you to told them that, hence they haven't called me but he goes behind my back and excludes me- it is so hurtful- he can go live his double life but this life with me will slowly crumble and he won't have any happiness.
I don't keep tabs on his
I don't keep tabs on his every move during the day, but I thought when you are part of a personal intimate relationship you share your life with your partner. He could have come home and said I saw Adult skid and grandchild and I would have asked how they were but no DH just further isolates me from that part of his life, if it was reversed DH would feel resentment as well. It's not DH going to see them but withholding it from me and the damm reaction because i questioned him about it. I told him if you continue to go behind my back for years to come and we don't share parts of our life , what is the point of being together if you don't share important aspects of your life together, visiting his daughter and grand-daughter should be shared, as it creates that family and this family, and we wonder why second wife's never feels they a complete family when you have a DH who treats his children first before any other relationship , well I hope he understands the way his skids are they won't be around in his old age when he is to old to visit , he would have put things in place years previously not to visit DH at home-because I'm around-fool him.
It sounds like he feels that
It sounds like he feels that he is between a rock and a hard place. He wants to be a part of his kids lives and doesn't want to start issues with you.
I think its very hard to balance a relationship with children and spouse when there are issues between the two.
I don't agree with secrets. So I would suggest that you start with building communication skills. He needs to know that he isn't in trouble for seeing his kids and that he isn't hurting you.
Having two families,is difficult. My skids really don't want anything to do with my dd and I. Dh and I talk about them, but at 15 and 21 I no longer go out of my way to make things equal.
But I encourage my DH to be a part of his children's lives....and I use his kid time as my down time.
Thank-you for your advice,
Thank-you for your advice, it's the secretative behavior which is the issue not DH seeing his kids. I know I can never change that but if DH believes he can go behind my back and get away with it what else does he do and not tell me, doing that is not nourishing a loving trusting relationship. It does feel to me he is living two separate lives. What makes me angry is that DH never set clear boundaries with them years previously with the way they treated me, if he actually fathered them and not wanting to be their friend we wouldn't be having this issue now. My daughter has said she would never ever get involved with a man who has kids to another woman because she has seen the trauma and hurt it has caused her mum and herself. It is a very difficult road to travel, I would have chosen a different road if I knew how many hills there were to climb and the destination is not so rewarding. Blended famalies suck big time.
I don't know the custodial
I don't know the custodial circumstances in your situation.
My dh was eowe, true non custodial parent. There is no parenting that can be done 4 days a month. Skids didn't necessarily treat me bad, but I think it was clear they had no respect for either of us.
I always try to put myself in the situation. How would I react, what would I want.
My guess is he sees you ticked off for him seeing his kids. Not keeping it from you.
I don't know the custodial
I don't know the custodial circumstances in your situation.
My dh was eowe, true non custodial parent. There is no parenting that can be done 4 days a month. Skids didn't necessarily treat me bad, but I think it was clear they had no respect for either of us.
I always try to put myself in the situation. How would I react, what would I want.
My guess is he sees you ticked off for him seeing his kids. Not keeping it from you.
Happiness is staring him
Happiness is staring him right in the face but he has no fcuking idea how to hang on to it, DHhas always done stuff without thinking of how others will feel. Tried counseling before so I don't think it will change anything with his way of thinking when it comes to the skids.