How would you handle telling the kids the "real" facts about a deceased parent
I am both a bm and a step parent. The situation involves my bio child but could end up happening with any child. bf of my bio kids passed away around 6 years ago. Prior to that the children had visitation with him every other weekend for around a 9 month period of time and prior to that he had supervised visits with a third party present and for about a 1 1/2 years the oldest child did not visit him at all after an altercation between the two in which law enforcement was involved. The oldest child was taken to therapy for a period just over 6 month where we attempted to get bf to participate in therapy with her, but he refused to attend with her.
My question after knowing this is that I was taken off guard very much surprised by my second oldest who just turned 18 years old when she got a tatoo representing her deceased bf on her back. she was in the 3-4th grade when the relation ship between us finally ended and she has very little memory of time that we were together, which was very abusive. Her memories of the time that she did spend with her father is very full of fantasy, of what she "whishes" things were like with him. In her discussion last evening she wont even admit the painful things that she knows that he did to not just me but them.
She refuses to acknowledge any of the painful events that took place and in her defense I have not told the kids about all of the things that happened. I know feel that I am forced to disclose events that really will be painful for them to learn about and of course bf's family will refute.
Was I wrong for feeling completely disrespected by my kid? and since I have children that are ages 12 and 10 what should I be telling them. I was hopeful to not have to say anything but I refuse to be treated like a door mat for a man that even attempted in court to give up rights, claimed that the kids were not his and requested proof for all four of the kids and who did not take his court ordered periods of visitation with the kids (MUch less all of the abuse issues).
Help.
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Why would you want to tell
Why would you want to tell them the truth? I mean why would you want them to know their father didn't wantthem & wanted to sign his rights away or never wanted to see them or didn't believe they were his kids? What is the point in that?! I'm sorry he abused you and them, but why tarnih whatever memory they have of him? If they ASK you what he was like and why things ended or start remembering things about him, THEN talk to them. But even then I would just keep it as he was abusive & refused to get help so we split up or our safety. Unfortunately he passed away shortly after that. No need to even tell them about their father's rejection because they'll take that with them and could hurt them in the long run. I just don't see the point now in 'telling the truth'.
I would never tell them all
I would never tell them all that. In their heart they may already know and this is more grieving, for what could have been.
I am not sure what you could gain from saying this? and am confused as to why you would want to do this.
My DH would love to tell his
My DH would love to tell his kid the truth about Uberskank (BM). But I have had to caution him all the time. It would serve no good purpose and the child would end up resenting you for saying something negative about their other parent.
Your daughter apparently idolizes her father at this stage in her life. Even though her view may not be realistic, she needs to feel she was important to him in the here and now. I would leave it alone. Saying anything could backfire on you and your relationship with your daughter.
I don't think I would tell
I don't think I would tell unless withholding information would cause harm to the child or someone else.
I would share any official
I would share any official records of your XHs actions. Once your daughter sees the proof tell her that if and when she is ready to hear the rest of the truth that you will be there to talk to her about it.
Tell her that it is Okay to love her deceased dad but that it is important that she know the truth about her deceased dad.
My son's (SS) SpermIdiot is a complete waste of skin entitlement non accountability piece of shit. My son knows it. We have never said this to him, but he is smart, observant and over the years has formed a fairly complete and accurate perspective on his "father".
He has access to the Custody/Visitation/Support drawers (yes, drawerS) in our file cabinet. If he comes home from visitation with a load of bull shit from the SpermClan, we put him through the bull shit filter drawers in the filing cabinet and show him the truth.
As you indicated is the case with your XILs, the SpermClan lead by SpermGrandMa are always attempting to play the smoke and mirrors game with my son (SS) and the three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs by two other mothers in order to skew the reality of how big of a scum bag looser their SpermIdiot is. It is my job to keep my son grounded in, fact, truth and reality.
I don't speak of the SpermIdiot when discussing the situation with my son as I do when venting on S-Talk but I do give him the facts with which to form his own opinion of dickhead.
Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. Stick with the facts when discussing your XW with your BD.
IMHO of course.
She is hurting people by her
She is hurting people by her actions. All of her other relatives are very hurt by her actions to represent a man that was not protective of her and whos actions often harmed the kids.
She knows many of the what I consider to be superficial things like him cancelling his $50 thousand dollars of life insurance per kid just before he passed away, refusing to provid insurance coverage as court ordered by scratching out information on the card to invalidate them - forcing me to spend money to take him to court so that I could get health coverage for the kids (I had full coverage but it would not cover because it was not primary, blogged about this before), and she knows about the basic abuse and his drug use but still she disrespects me and the man who has done every thing for her.
Her "stories" which is what they are about how the time that she spent with him are what she is telling the younger children about. She has completely blocked out me along with other's having to physically force her to see this man, I have a scar she left on my arm to prove it!. The younger kids have a family and a man that they know as their dad who has done what a real father does for a child that they love. He is their stepfather and you see no evidence of that when you look at how he treats the kids.
We are having to defend ourselves currently in court because of lies and documents that were given to my current husband's ex wife from my bio kids father (bio daughter's father I am talking about) before he died. The man is dead and I am still having to fight to get him to leave me and my family alone. I found out that I don't even have legal rights to several of these documents that the ex has and she is passing them around as if they are truth! The judge ruled in my case that these be sealed because of the intruths and possibilities of harm that his statements could do.
I dont know how much one is supposed to put up with. I had no desire to harm my kids or to tell them the truth but with her telling the kids things that are not true and representing him in a manner that disrespects me I am feeling that I have no choice but to defend my self and my actions. She wants to know why I made the decisions that I did and that will come with a hard pill for her to swallow.
I spoke to several of her father's close friends last night and they feel that because of her resent actions that it is time that she learned about what and who he was from me before someone else tells her who and what he was.
I cant believe that I tried to hide this all for so many years and I am basically being forced to tell the kids. I don't want them finding out from someone else that thinks that they know the facts or from a relative (we all have them in our family) who just can't keep their mouths shut. The kids have already been told by the other family that I am not telling the truth and that all I was doing was attempting to alienate them from their father. Funny how I always followed the court order and got my kids into therapy but I was the bad guy! guess I suck at alienating them from their father when the first thing she does is get a tat that represents him. (I really dont believe that if she knew the facts that she would have done this) but the other family has already found out and they couldn't wait to throw it in my face by saying "see the kids dad did love them, and they loved him". alcoholics love booze also - does not mean that it does them any good!
sorry guys venting. cant things once to easy or at least just "normal". I don't know one other divorced family that continues to get attacked the way that our family has had to endure.