is it dysfunctional?
Question for everyone:
My husband of five years, and partner for eight, is out for supper in another city with his two bio kids and their maternal grandparents - his ex wife's parents, prior to driving them to the airport.
His marriage ended ten years ago, and the ex-wife remarried. There was minimal contact between my husband and his ex in-laws during those ten years, and everyone moved on in their lives.
The ex wife has been deceased for 18 months after succumbing to her gross alcoholism. Since she died, my husband and the maternal grandparents, and the siblings of the ex-wife, spend a day together around significant holidays during the year. His persona shifts when around them, and he's gleeful that they have nothing to do with the widowed husband of their deceased daughter (who is also an alcoholic, and likely contributed to her issues).
My husband almost preens himself with having the "one-up" on (widowed husband) and gleefully seeks out the attention given to him by the ex in-laws.
Incidentally, my husband has zero contact with my parents. I visit them/see them alone.
Am I wrong to be....I don'know.... Bothered (!?) by this? He got pissed when I told him how it made me feel last Christmas so I stay silent now.
Is this type of relationship normal after the death of a child/ex-wife?
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His reply was something to
His reply was something to the effect of I have no reason to be angry/hurt by him spending time with them. When I pointed out that his whole demeanour shifts around them, he didn't believe me/said I was making it up because *I* didn't like *them* (I've met them 2x before and socialized quite well with them).
I think he becomes this whole other person because he was involved with the ex-wife as a teenager, and got her pregnant at the age of 16. He dropped out of school, did drugs and alcohol, etc These people are very educated so I think Husband turns himself inside out to show he's not the kid he was 20+ years ago. Husband never had a father growing up and he likens the FIL to be that figure to him.
It's almost like you read the
It's almost like you read the words in my thoughts that I kept unsaid!
You're right: he does
You're right: he does gloat. He has laughed that the parents-in-law have nothing to do with widowed SIL now. Your statement is spot on
With his son being 11, BM's
With his son being 11, BM's parents and extended family are really dependent on your husband to have a relationship with the minor child. With BM deceased lunch with SS's grandparents doesn't seem inappropriate. But of course, you too, if you desire, should be included.
I really don't see what the connection about lunch with SS's grandparents has with your husband's lack of relationship with your family? Why has DH never accompanied you and joined visits with your family?
I think you're more bothered
I think you're more bothered that he doesn't have a relationship with your parents and the fact that he goes out of his way for his Ex's parents magnifies it. Why doesn't he like your parents? I think if he got along with your parents you wouldn't be bothered he does all of this for his kids's other grandparents. Don't keep quiet, ask him why he doesn't like your parents; if he has a valid reason then you need to work on acceptance and stop comparing one couple to the other as the two are completely different.
*small correction, Sue I said
*small correction, Sue
I said they spend time together around significant holidays (meaning: Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, as well as birthdays and during the Summer, and anniversary of the death)
Minute correction on your otherwise astute observations
oh such a tangled web I've
oh such a tangled web I've woven..
It's never easy giving a snapshot of something, and provide enough insight to give a balanced spectrum in order to have fair evaluation. Editing back history to several paragraphs is momentous.
In my previous blogs I'd identified the "marital dark years" of verbal/emotional abuse I experienced. After the pinnacle of me taking a separation, our marriage did change through counselling and personal work. There is still much more work ahead of us.
***thats not the focus, however***
(Some of you asked why my parents may not have a relationship with my husband; this is why. Parents protecting their young even though the young is 45)
Am I jealous?
Further background: My husband has empathetically ((ahem)) "discouraged" me spending time with my son's paternal family, including their dad/my ex (we've been split for 12 years and only in the last two years have become amicable).
I'm not jealous; I'm incredulous at the hypocrisy, I guess. It's the proverbial "what's good for the goose" saying: HE can spend time with the deceased wife's parents but it's NOT ok for the shoe on the other foot.
(Rhetorical questions)... Do my children also not deserve to have as much camaraderie, family bond, friendship, and love? Because my ex is alive while his is dead should make a difference?
Husband's jealousy is very much alive (he's jealous of my ex).
Mine is more utter indignation.
In retrospect, perhaps the title of my initial post should have been Indignation, instead of Is It Dysfunctional?
pffft so it's fine for DH to
pffft so it's fine for DH to have relations with his Ex's family.... well then you have relations with your Ex's family, if DH does not like it laugh and ask him how is it different....?
I am not bothered at all that my SO has nothing to do with my parents, int he 12 years together he might have chatted with them maybe 7 times ... I prefer it that way, cause if he makes me mad I can go to my parents and they support me...