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When is it time to throw in the towel?

unbelieveable's picture

I treat the fsd's fairly. I try to do things with them like play-doh, reading, coloring, painting nails...

I try NOT to show favortism but fsd5 and I really get along well. She doesn't remember me not being around. She always sits on my lap...she always wants to play - she rarely gives me a problem unless she is tired (like most kids do and they get grumpy). She is just a very simple little girl so of course I tend to lean toward her.

With fsd7 there is always more bad than good. She lies about ridiculous things. She is very manipulative, jealous, and "strangely" affectionate toward fh- to the point where he will stand up and kind of very non-chalantly walk away...When we do get along she tries to get information out of me? At first I thought - oh she just misses her dad. I tried to explain to her that with the way we work - we really don't see eachother as often as we would like to. Then I realized something - she is smart...very smart. She knows what she is doing and her mother is putting her up to it - even though she has a boyfriend. Her mother teaches her to talk back to here dad and call him names. She is smarter than that but her mommy can do no wrong. Anyway, she waits until we are doing something fun - like painting or something...then all of a sudden she will start arguing with me over if something is green or purple...or over what 50 + 50 is...I know she is trying to get attention - but - I am already giving her my full blown attention...Then I thought - well...maybe she feels guilty...like her mom would be mad if she knew we were having a good-time? I don't know...but this morning did it for me...

the fsds have a horrible dental history. they eat candy all week and go to bed without brushing or brush unsupervised at their mothers all the time. They have a million cavities. here, we give them sugar-free everything. They eat popcorn or veggies with dip for snacks and we make them brush their teeth three times a day. Well, I thought I would be nice this weekend and get donuts for breakfast...(suuuggaarr!) So..

They eat their donuts. They brush their teeth...an hour later - they are hungry again and they each have another donut. Then they had some kool-aid...(we ran out of sugar-free so I had to suffer and give then regular)...well...fsd7 was watching me put on my makeups when she discovered some gummy worms...she asked if she could have some and I said, "No, you don't need anymore sugar before lunch." She got into her "tantrum" stance - lunged forward - and I put my arm around her and caught her before she could run out the door...I crouched down to her level...and my exact words were (tell me if they were harsh, be honest):

"Babe, you had donuts for breakfast and Kool-Aid. I think you had enough sweets for the morning. You don't need candy - I know it tastes good but you have to stop eating so much candy - you need to learn to take care of your new teeth - this is the set you will have for the rest of your life...you don't want to be toothless...now let's go brush your teeth and then you don't have to brush until bedtime." Then I let her go - she went into the bathroom and I heard her "running footsteps..." She ran straight for her grandmother's bedroom...and slammed the door. I waited a few minutes - (usually I would run after her and put her straight into time out for being crazy) I walked into the bedroom and fh was there...she was beat red and bawling! He asked what happened...she wouldn't tell him. So I told him...she doesn't need anymore candy. He was enraged she would even argue with me about it. She knows better than to try to fight a losing battle like that...

It's just that these things happen constantly...I don't get it. I am tired of trying with her. But I am afraid that if disengage with her and just keep doing things with her little sis...she will be even nastier with her. I just don't understand how many times I have to tell her that if she would not be so mean and hurtful with me then I would really enjoy spending time with her...GRRRRR! Is it time to throw in the towel? I've been at this for 3 years with her and I don't think I will ever get along with her - not when she's 7 - and not when she is 17.

Comments

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

We've had diet issues with ss. He only wants to eat bread, candy and pop. Like you, dh and I are on the same page with nutrition, limited sweets and more veg and protien than bread. He used to throw fits about the limits a lot. I started to not deal with that part. Dh set a rule that the only thing ss can eat/drink without permission was water. Everything else he had to ask. Also he must ask dh. Ss will still ask me even when dh is home, and I just tell him to go ask dh. If dh is not home, I say wait until dh gets home, unless he is asking for something healthy. The only bad part is that MIL watches ss after school and she lets him eat whatever he wants. Once, we were there for a birthday dinner, and MIL yelled for SS to come into the kitchen. I followed to see what the problem was. The can of frosting she was going to use was almost gone. Turns out SS had been eating if as an after school snack. MIL said that she was not upset that he ate it all, but that he did not tell her she needed more. HOW stupid to let a child eat frosting on a spoon as a snack!! SS also has a problem brushing teeth. In the past, I've used disclosure tablets ( available at the drug store). It makes it fun because their teeth turn red and then they get to brush it off.

unbelieveable's picture

Those tablets are an amazing idea. We tried that new kids mouthwash that turns the dirty spots on their teeth blue - but it does not really work all that well...

The tablets I am definitely going to try! Thank you! I will get some for the house and some to take out to their mothers! I feel like I am always sending "new" dental items out there with them so she gets a hint...I sent out special Flouride Toothpaste and dental floss things that look like crayons too...Grr!

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

Also, as far as the arguing during fun time, it may seem difficult, but if she starts to argue about something as ridiculous as green/ purple etc., maybe try to say "I think it's purple, but I don't want to argue, it's your move." and if she continues, just ignore any statement that pertains to the arguement and try to re-enguage her in the game, gritting your teeth as you smile through it. As soon as she sees that she can't enguage you in these arguements, one of two things will happen, either she will try more hurtful personal attacks, or she will give up. If it is bm behind these things as a puppetmaster, sd will not know what to do and will stop. But if sd iis motivated on her own, or just by influence of bm, she may try to make it worse.

Hope this helps. This approach should also limit negative effects on sd5 and also should not create any animosity between the two.

jojo68's picture

My BF daughter is allowed to eat whatever she wants when she wants. I've never seen anything like it. I can't believe that this girl's teeth haven't rotted out of her head. She eats candy all throughout the day. She rarely eats a meal with us because she doesn't like "regular" food. If she does eat what we have for a meal she takes a huge portion and eats only a few bites and says she doesn't like it. She is underweight for her age as a result of her eating habits. My bf and I have been together for two years and this child hasn't grown in this time. At nine and half...she still wears a loose 6 in pants. I have expressed my concerns to my bf and he doesn't seem to see a problem. He just thinks she takes after his side of the family and is skinny. I don't agree.
In your case and my case both we are fighting a losing a battle if the BM and BF are not on board with seeing a problem.

unbelieveable's picture

my fh and I are on board - we just think maybe BM just doesn't care? Or she really just thinks they were born with the toothbrushing skill? I'm not sure...I came to the conclusion though that if she doesn't care...why should I? They aren't my kids - and well - we only have them once a week...making it harder to prevent issues.