We Know About GUBMs...What About GEBDs?
Hey Stalkers -
So, it's been a while. My DH finally got paid for some work and immediately forked over about half of it to me to pay me back (not even close, yet...but it's a start) and to pay the property taxes on our car. That was a bit of a relief. We really got into it after he took his son on a trip to Atlanta last kid weekend (so, two weekends ago since we're wrapping up another one today) without really consulting me...on my dime. Just, assuming that would be fine by me.
Which kind of brings me to my point. We know that we have Golden Uterus Bio Moms (GUBMs) out there, but is there a term for the dads? I know Disney Dad, but that doesn't quite encapsulate the kind of behavior I'm thinking of from my DH...he's certainly spoiled his kids materially since the divorce, but other than a couple small incidents, he's been pretty good about discipline. BUT...my DH has a huge chip on his shoulder about his kids (They're never "considered" enough by anyone, apparently. He has said that my family fails to "consider" them in our holiday plans, for example...when we ask for weeks or even months when he'll have the kids over the holidays and never get a straight answer. Then, my mom plans something and my husband whines to me that it's clear that "nobody cares that we have kids" or wants to "consider us" in their plans. It's maddening.) To be fair, he also says similar things about his own extended family...so he's not just picking on my family.
He's gotten A LOT better about this over the years, after a lot of pushback, and simple stating of the facts, from me. But there's still this overarching sense that his kids are somehow "owed" a lot more "consideration" than I think most children in well-adjusted, intact families get. Most recent example, this morning. I am usually off on Mondays, but I got called into work for an 8:30 meeting. We were thinking about going to get a dog at the local shelter today. We have dropped by a couple times to look at dogs in the past two weeks, and we've been warming to the idea (we lost our much-loved pup unexpectedly in January and have taken a while to get to this point). So when I tell him he says: "What about the dog? I guess we're not going then?" I say: "We can go when I come home from work at 4:00." Him (whining): "What about SD16?! I guess she's just going to have to sit around all day waiting?" Me: "And...so?" Him (curt): "Nevermind. I don't want to get a dog."
So, a few things here. 1.) The animal shelter is open from 1-7. It's not like it opens at 9 and she's literally "sitting around all day." 2.) I don't think a teen "waiting around" to go look at dogs for an extra 3 hours on the last day of her summer break trumps my need to make a living. 3.) I am not sure why SD16 has to go with us to pick out the dog in the first place. It will be our dog, I will be the one taking care of it...and in two years when SD is off at college, she will see this dog even less. To me, this feels like a me and DH thing. If he wants SD16 to go...great. Fine. But it has to be on our schedule, right?
Anyway, now my DH is upset and not talking to me much. I guess because I didn't "consider" his daughter's needs enough when I said I'd go in for this meeting. "What about the kids!" seems to be a near-constant refrain at my house. Does anyone else have a DH who thinks the entire world should revolve...not around his kids' NEEDS but around their whims, desires...convenience? Who uses the fact that they "have kids" as a giant trump card in life to get their way? I know we have GUBMs...should we have GEBDs - Golden Ejaculate Bio Dads?
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"what about sd16?" - um, not
"what about sd16?" - um, not her effing dog, dh, get over yourself.
you need to make a meme and text it to him every. single. time he pulls this bullcrap. just so he has a literal reminder every time he's being a tittybaby about "the kiiiids".
Think of the Children!!!
Think of the Children!!!
I have gone through a very
I have gone through a very small period of that - but he got over it VERY quickly. It honestly sounds like he is placing the kids before your relationship/marriage at times. I can understand wanting the kids to be included in your family functions - but with steps, that is not always possible. Especially if you cant even nail down when they may or may not even be there! He seriously needs to get over that - you are the one he needs to worry about, you are the one who is going to be there when the skids are eventually launched.
Is the SD16 a mini-wife?
Btw, all kids just "sit around" during summer vacation - unless they have a job, that's what kids do.
This is good to hear.
This is good to hear. Sometimes I feel like I must be going crazy, because DH acts like this kind of behavior is entirely normal.
Other examples include:
1.) When I used to pick up SD16 from Middle School and High School, she would text me within five minutes of school getting out: "You coming?" It irked me so much...but not as much as the fact that DH would text me within seconds of her text, often while I was reading the text from SD: "Did you forget about SD? On your way?" Now, mind you: 1.) Usually these pick-ups were agreed upon by DH via email with BM, and I got dragged into the pick-up last minute because he had a meeting. And, 2.) In order to be there to pick up by five-after, I would have to actually get to the school 20-30 minutes before school lets out in order to get a good spot in car line. I preferred to leave the house right as school was ending, or even five minutes after, in order to avoid sitting in car line for 30-40 minutes. I don't know...I guess as the oldest of 6 with two parents who started a business together, I learned pretty quickly that their time was more valuable than mine. They told me so directly, in fact. I'm not here for you the second the bell rings? You go to a lovely private school with benches and picnic tables out front. Read a book, talk to friends, get started on homework. One of us is on the way, and you can wait 10-15 minutes for us to show up, if necessary. But in DH / COD world, it's beck-and-call time for the kids...it's better for me to sit in car line for 40 minutes than for SD to have to wait 10 minutes for a pick-up.
2.) The many, many times DH (and BM) have dropped everything to take one of the kids something they forgot...for school, camp, extracurricular activities, etc. BM used to drop by a couple times every kid weekend because kids would text her, separately, about stuff they "forgot." So she'd swing by to bring something for SS, and an hour later, come back again to bring something for OSD. It's like...do you have NO life outside your kids? I put a stop to that...if you forgot it, you do without for the weekend. Guess what, skids instantly became more responsible. Same thing with the school drop-offs when DH tried to drag me into it. Asked me to drive to BMs house (15 minutes away) to get SS's school ID, drive back our way to his school (20 minutes from BM's house), and then home (5 minutes)...a total of 40 minutes of driving...probably at least an hour "errand" when you add in the time it would take for me to dig through SS's pigsty of a room, find the I.D., and then park and walk it into the school. I said NO. DH couldn't do it because he was in a meeting...tried to guilt me into it: "It's the third time he's forgotten this week...he'l get detention and have to miss German club if he doesn't get it!" Me: "Aren't natural consequences a beautiful thing?" Upshot...DH also quit jumping every time SS forgot something after this incident, and now he is less forgetful. Amazing how that works.
Anyway...I'm just venting now because I'm at work and have a ton to do...and I'm in a pissy mood about the dog thing. I'm childless, too...but even if I wasn't, I am 100% sure that I wouldn't treat my kids this way. Honestly, the morning we first talked about getting a dog, SS and SD were dropping by on their way to a camp that they work at for the summer. We had LITERALLY just agreed that it may be a good thing to think about getting a dog when SD bursts through the door and says: "I'm so excited about the dog!" So, either 1.) DH texted SD about the dog before/while we were talking and had come to a conclusion, or 2.) He texted her the second the "yeah...OK" came out of my mouth. Seriously...it's like I can't have anything that's mine.
"it's like I can't have
"it's like I can't have anything that's mine." i totally get this!!! every single object that enters our house has to be used and claimed first by kaos. EVERYTHING. i've stored stuff in my trunk for MONTHS just to keep his grubby hands off them. the last particular item i lost it on dh, not in an anger way just an emotional way. dh got up in his face and made it VERY clear that "if it is not KAOS', if it was not purchased specifically for KAOS, YOU NEEDS TO KEEP YOUR F*CKING HANDS OFF OF IT."
boom. oh and he has since repeated himself a few times just as a precaution/reminder. *swoons*
PS, i love your response about ss' ID and natural consequences. awesome!
Thankfully my skids are
Thankfully my skids are actually really good about not messing with my actual stuff. But metaphorically I certainly feel like there's very little that I can have to myself. Like I can't even enjoy or think about the idea of replacing my last dog that I lost for five minutes without it becoming a DH-SD thing. (and he WAS mine. SD and the whole family really fell in love with him, but I brought him into the relationship.)
Lately, though, my SS has been all over the computer in my office. When I first got it, I put profiles on for all the skids in case they had a quick homework need every other weekend. No biggie. But SS has graduated high school and is trying to start up a video production business. He actually is good and has two clients...but he has no gear yet. So he just started using my computer 2-3 days a week without asking while I'm gone at work. Infuriating. I tried not caring for the first week since I'm not home anyway...but the problem is he uploads videos for his clients, which my computer is not built for. So I'll get home at night and some video is 26% loaded...and I can't do anything on my desktop. Last week, I asked DH to talk to SS about using my computer. DH said that he thought it was a family computer...um, no. It's MY computer that I have graciously allowed the skids to use on occasion. So I told him that and...that even if it was a "family" computer it wouldn't be cool for one member of the family to completely monopolize it 3-4 days out of the week. Grrrrr.
Last night, SS was on my computer in my office when I walked in and told me he was "just clearing off all his files." Cool. This morning I woke up and had to turn in a time sheet for one of my clients. Went to login and there it is, open to SS's profile, uploading a video, which is at 17% after uploading all night. Oh well. I have to get paid. Closed it out and did what I needed to do...and obviously DH and I are going to have to talk again tonight...
Ah...it could be that I
Ah...it could be that I haven't explained it well enough with my examples, but I do think it's parallel, actually. Because of the trump card thing...maybe this is something that childless stepmoms are more sensitive to, but it does often feel like he thinks he's entitled to more respect / consideration / allowances in life because he's A DAD! I mean, I'm kind of torn most of the time. I think it's really good that he takes pride in his role as a father and, for the most part, he is a good dad. And I know that he's insecure about the influence he's able to have / the role he's able to play as an NCP. So I get all that and empathize. But it's stuff like getting first dibs on plans EVERY holiday, or trying to make unilateral financial decisions because he's A DAD and I just couldn't possibly understand...he has to be allowed to FATHER his children.
As someone who is childless not by choice, I find this talk insensitive (which we've talked about and he is working on), and I sometimes think he uses "the kids" as an excuse to do / not do exactly what he wants.
PPBD.....platinum penis
PPBD.....platinum penis birth dad... when ever my SO started to act like a GUBM I would tell him he had a platinum penis.
Lol. Yes! I love this acronym
Lol. Yes! I love this acronym the best. Can't decide if it sounds more like a sandwich at a hipster cafe or a rare venereal disease.
Thank you for this long and
Thank you for this long and thoughtful response. Sounds like we think the same and were raised the same. You're so much like my mom I want to kiss you
Of course, I am cherry-picking some annoying things and habits from 6+ years of marriage. On the plus side, my DH really is a hard worker and this money thing is a temporary slump, I hope. It seems to be. He's also good about making skids pitch in and do chores. He's the antithesis of lazy and does A TON around the house (I was about to say he "helps me out" around the house, but that would imply housework is my job by default, which it is not.) I wouldn't put up with a lazy slob or someone who didn't work.
But...you are right that he's entitled. His parents are incredibly wealthy, and I think that sometimes, he doesn't even begin to comprehend how entitled he is. This entitlement mostly seems to show up in the sense that he acts like it's his God-given right to pursue his dreams / passion...and without facing the ramifications of that choice. I.E. "Because of my choice, I'm broke right now, so this thing I want will have to wait." Often, the thing he wants is connected to the kids in some way...and that's when the "but it's for the kids!!!" language shows up. He has to be free to BE A DAD, after all. I'm trying to make him see that you can't have it both ways. You can't be the fascinating, bohemian artist with the cool job AND spoil your kids. That's unrealistic. He's getting better, honestly...but it was so bad at the beginning of our marriage that the dog thing was a trigger this morning.
Seriously, you've given me a lot to think about...thank you!
PS - I quit doing pick-ups
PS - I quit doing pick-ups because I wasn't going to agree to be there waiting on her...
Skids drive now. But I ducked out and said never again partway through her freshman year.
He's doing a great job at
He's doing a great job at turning his kids into the entitled brats that society so loves.
Yes, I agree for the most
Yes, I agree for the most part. His kids are nice, polite, charming...hard workers for the most part with the occasional bout of laziness that all teenagers have. But then, in some ways that are hard to even fully describe...they are breathtakingly entitled.
So...mixed bags like everyone, I guess. But if there's one thing I can't stand it's ingratitude