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How much of this skid BS can one person take, honestly

TrueNorth77's picture

Last Thursday SD14 called the cops on DH. Haven't heard a peep since, which has been quite blissful. Except, we are still dealing with SS's college BS, and it has gotten to the point of absolute ridiculousness. 

We are not rich. DH and I did not save or make good choices early in life. Only within the past 4-5 years did we really get it together and are comfortable. SS is paying for college. We support him going Out of State, but ONLY at a reasonable amount, and that amount was made clear. His top 2 choices were equal in cost (even though 1 offered him a $12K/year scholarship), or so we thought, so he had a choice- his choice ended up being almost $20K/year more than we thought/than the other school. It is no longer an option and had that cost been known 2mos ago, it would have been off the table. DH wanted to make it work with SS applying for more scholarships, but it's just not a good decision, and if something happened to SS, we would be stuck with that debt, and frankly screwed. We told SS it probably wasn't going to happen for the past week. DH told SS it's off the table Mon night, and SS should choose his 2nd choice. We would even fly him there over Memorial Day wknd so he could tour it. SS REFUSED, and said he would NOT go to that School- it's "gross", and "small" and he will NOT go there so he won't be going to college. 

DH messaged me and told me not to book anything- Airbnb, rental car- he's done. SS is being pouty and unreasonable and he's done helping him, SS can figure it out himself. DH is SO mad. He said I can try talking to him but he's just being absolutely unreasonable.

So yesterday I talked to SS- asked him his thoughts. I remained remarkably calm and the words "temper tantrum" didn't even come out of my mouth! Blum 3 I honestly thought I crushed it. But SS is absolutely entitled, ridiculous, illogical, and ungrateful. He's like, "all you have to do is cosign". When asked if he thinks it's fair that we would have to take on all his debt if something happened, he said no. But kept on with his pitch to go to this school. I told him he could transfer out of this other school after 2yrs- it really only matters where you graduate from- he doesn't want to. We said once he sees the college we bet he will like it much more- he says he KNOWS he won't. 

Today he said again "you guys just have to cosign", and that "it makes him mad when we say he should just go to this school in FL for 2 yrs, because it's 2yrs of HIS life and it's honestly insensitive of us". I said well you don't have to go, you can join the army and they will pay for your school, or you can get a job and an apt (DH already told him if he doesn't go to school then he's getting a FT job and finding an apt), or you can pick a different college. But you need to decide NOW, because the deadline has already passed, they are just allowing you a few extra days. SS went on and on about how he thinks he should be able to choose this school because he filled out essays. I said, the answer IS NO- WE ARE NOT COSIGNING, so trying to bully us into changing our minds isn't going to work. I told him that I was very nice about it the other day when we talked, and I do feel bad that he doesn't get to go to this college the first 2 years after all, but he needs to hear this- his attitude is very entitled and ungrateful. 100% of his class are going to schools that cost less than this school- what makes him think that HE should go to the most expensive school? And that we should sign for it? Everyone else can go to less expensive schools except for SS? And that HE deserves a new laptop and can't use my previous top of the line work laptop that I just got to purchase for $100, but SS refuses to use because "why do I have to use the secondhand laptop"? We would have given it to him for FREE! But instead he wants a NEW laptop with the cheap components that can't do 1/8th of what my laptop can do. So DH told him he needed to buy his own. I said, my hope for you is to be a nice, grateful, kind child- but you are showing entitlement and ungratefuleness. He's like, um..well, I disagree with that, I just think I did work for this and it should be my decisions. 

I'm so done with this kid. I filled DH in and he's like, I'm so F'ing irritated with him, I'm done. He's going to be out of time to choose another school and he is ridiculous, he won't even LOOK at his 2nd choice school! I said nothing we say is getting through now, he will be making his own mistakes- but I'm done. DH agreed. DH said "I failed". I think DH tried, but he also didn't call SS out on his previous entitled behavior and enabled it. If SS doesn't make the deadline for another school, he can join the military or get a FT job and move the F out, or Crazy can cosign his loan at this $$$$ school, but those are his choices. He is illogical. 


PetSpoiler's picture

Some teens are very illogical and he does sound entitled.  If he wants to go to this expensive school so badly, then he can figure it out.  If my father and stepmother were willing to at least help me pay for college I'd be happy to go to a less expensive school if it meant I'd get to go somewhere to get my degree.  Sometimes you gotta let them fall flat on their face.  

CLove's picture

The entitlement is disgusting to me.

But Im in a sour mood right now.

Is looking like SD17almost18inafeweeks isnt going to graduate high school INDEPENDANT STUDY....

These freaking Skids!

TrueNorth77's picture

HOW. I swear, I do not know why people do this. This being kids in general, even step-parenting. There is zero joy. Not one single ounce. Speaking of sour moods...

Winterglow's picture

Stop talking to him. You've given your conditions and the buck stops there. You are under no obligation to pay for his studies, especially not the dream ones. You've made your offer mow draw the line - it's that or nothing and he has 10 days to decide.

TrueNorth77's picture

He has til maybe tomorrow, or Fri. I told DH I'm done. SS started this convo and it was all about this college and the loans through the college and the parents signing for the loans. I'm like, um, yeah we are not doing that.... He thinks if he stands his ground we will change our mind. To be fair, DH has given in to him almost every single time in past. I wonder why he thinks that now....

CajunMom's picture

A complete sentence. I love that you called him out on the bullying. And clearly explained you would be reponsible if he doesn't pay. He's so worried about his life?? Then fund your life, kid. SMH


hereiam's picture

He's like, um..well, I disagree with that, I just think I did work for this and it should be my decisions. 

Haha! Sure, it's his decision... when he can pay for it. Until then, it's a joint decision and he is going to have to compromise if he wants financial help.

What an ass.

TrueNorth77's picture

Right? And if by "work" for this, he means haphazardly threw together an essay, hit 1 button to submit for a bunch of scholarships at once that the school provided (it's like a mass submittal) and then did ZERO else, even AFTER we told him he needed to apply for scholarships like it was his job, didn't look for 1 single other scholarship and couldn't even be bothered to apply for the $1K scholarship at DH's job that he was a shoo-in to get...then yes SS, you did "work for this". He hasn't even taken the placement testing for this school and he's had 2 months to do it. I asked him about that yesterday and he said "well dad told me I wasn't going there yesterday so I figured it was a waste of time to take the tests". I said, you have had 2 MONTHS to take them, nice try. I said you have half days from school every day all this year and didn't ask for hours at work on those days, instead you sleep all day, you took off work the day after prom when you could have asked for the later shift, even though you know there is a huge financial gap to bridge to make this school affordable. You could be working to make $ to pay for it, but you aren't doing ANYTHING. He doesn't care. 

It's quite unreal. His decision!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterdays's picture

All these choices he can make on his own with his own money. That's how that works as far as choices. We don't have a choice to spend other people's money with reckless abandon. If someone helps us with money we should be appreciative and it's on their terms. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Exactly. And really, DH will help him minimally, mostly with books and trip costs- but SS is footing the bill. But we are NOT cosigning this gigantic student loan that is not affordable to SS after he graduates, and put him in such a hard spot, or us if something happens to him. It's insane. At first DH was considering it and I knew it would cause conflict with us because I do not agree and it affects me also. Luckily, he talked to other parents (parents of one of SS's classmates/friends who told his friend NO to an expensive school and told DH to tell SS no also), coworkers who DH says are smarter than DH, and many other people, and every single person told DH HELL no, do NOT do this. DH changed his tune really quickly. We had so many people tell us to absolutely not do this. Thankfully we are fully aligned now. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Well Mr. SS can have EXACTLY what he wants if he can pay for it. He can't get what he wants on somebody else's dime. He needs to learn that lesson NOW!! Thank you for saying no. His future co-workers, bosses, neighbors, roommates and partners will hopefully benefit from him experiencing the reality of "no."

I hope you will institute a "burning platform" approaching a la Rags if he decides to do nothing but lay around in protest.

I promise you that he will be much better off receiving this reality check.

TrueNorth77's picture

Totally agree. He will be thanking us when he is has $90K less in student loans when he graduates and can afford to do things he actually wants with his champagne tastes. Especially when half his reason for going are the hot girls he saw they posted on their instagram when they post their newly admitted students. He definitely is in the wrong house if he thinks laying around pouting is going to fly here. 

Cover1W's picture

Oh my, agree with everything said here.

"SS, The terms were clear. We can contribute $ amount, period. If you choose a more expensive school, we cannot give more. Here's some of your options (scholarship, loans, work study, etc.) YOU can look into. End of discussion."

I only wish my DH had done this but no, his precious gets what she wants. Private school most likely (because of course she can't talk with him about it, I'm still assuming it's the one she's choosing).

My parents would have withdrawn my college funds if I had acted like SS too. I had a choice of 6 state schools, period, and it was discussed which of the 6 I'd apply to and which I accepted. 


TrueNorth77's picture

And here's the thing- he screwed himself by being lazy. Had he applied for scholarships like it was his job MONTHS ago like we told him repeatedly to do, we may have been more likely to be willing to cosign a loan here (he is footing this bill- DH will pay for books). But he didn't, which in itself is a huge red flag. He didn't even apply for DH's work scholarship! We had to tell him 8 TIMES. He let his grades drop. Didn't pick up hours at work when the increased tuition became a huge concern- in fact he took off. NOW, he has started frantically applying for scholarships everywhere, but the thing is, it's too late- School #2's acceptance date was May 1st. He needs to commit NOW, or he won't be able to. And then he's out of options. DH thinks he is trying to wait us out- like if he waits we will change our mind- but no. And There's no way he's getting enough scholarships to cover this huge gap at this college. And we aren't cosigning a loan for the insane amount it is. He was lazy, didn't do what he was told or put in the effort required, and now he will face the consequences. We told him he's free to go if he can get the loans on his own without us cosigning, or if Crazy will cosign- but in no world did we ever agree or WOULD we ever agree to cosign loans for this ridiculously expensive out of state school just because he saw the instagram and now thinks it's amazing. DH said he will cosign for the other school because once  you apply the scholarships it would be quite reasonable for an OOS school, and I am ok with that also given his major. 

MorningMia's picture

I'm glad you and DH are on the same page. Stay strong! Both of my skids made major mistakes (with their mother's support) when it came to college. DH wasn't consulted. And no one was in the position to pay for out of state private schools x2. While DH pitched in, he did not contribute much nor did he co-sign loans. Both skids are now, several years later, in ridiculous debt and chronically complaining about it. Bad decisions = bad results. 

Felicity0224's picture

I'm curious if he is pressuring his mother to cosign too? Or does he think that only DH should be on the hook for his education?

TrueNorth77's picture

I actually suspect he didn't even ask her. Or if he did, she said no immediately and he didn't follow up. So the pressuring is aimed exclusively at DH (and me). Only DH gets pressured, as DH is somehow expected to fund SS in everything with no help from Crazy. 

Harry's picture

The bank doesn't.  That why they want you to co-sign and be responsible for that loan.   Then SS 14 calked the cops?   That kid would not be in my home anymore.  Just make sure DH doesn't co-sign. Or else you will be owing that loan.

TrueNorth77's picture

Not SS17. But yeah they are both shit shows right now. DH will cosign a MUCH less loan for this reasonable college in FL if needed. That SS should be able to afford the payments on even if he washes out of college. SS would not have been able to afford the paymetns at the other college if he washed out. 

Yesterdays's picture

Sorry if this was mentioned but does he have a part-time job to contribute to ANY of the cost? 

TrueNorth77's picture

He does have a P/T job right now, but he just got a "new" (used) car that he is supposed to pay off this summer before he leaves for school. He will be working while he's at college, but he still has to find a job there and he's been told he needs to pay his own extra expenses while there and put $ towards his college tuition also. He can't just blow it all on whatever he wants. Do I think he will put $ towards tuition? No. To be clear, SS is paying for college himself- we are not. But he also needs to be able to pay his loans once he graduates, or doesn't graduate as the case very well may be. DH's entire family doesn't think he will make it...because he's lazy, doesn't study or apply himself...he has shown moments where he has gotten good grades and taken initiative, but DH also has to be on him like a cheap suit. He won't be there in college to nag him. SS has to do this on his own. I really hope he matures and does it. The good thing about the school he is now going to (last night he accepted his fate and will be going to the second choice school) is that it's not a party school, the students are all smart and take it seriously, so hopefully they rub off on him. 

CastleJJ's picture

Regardless of any student loan SS takes out, if you are financially responsible in any way, take out a life insurance policy on SS, making you the beneficiaries. My parents took one out on me, at the advice of their financial advisor, so if God forbid anything happened to me while I was in school, my parents could pay off the student loan debt they cosigned on and it would be wiped clean. It sounds morbid but you have to think ahead. 

Rags's picture

It is his decision. He can go to school wherever he wants. He just has to pay for it without a cosign from you or  his dad.

Pretty simple.

So many kids get wrapped around the axle on where they go to school when the nut of it is that the school they go to just needs to be accredited by one of the accrediting bodies recognized by the US DOE.  Beyond that, all that is left are the intangibles.

My 11yr undergrad journey was long and varied. I attended a combo Jr high, HS, and JC for HS. So I graduated with more than half of my Freshman year of college completed. I was accepted to Princeton on early acceptance but knew I was entirely unwilling to perform at that level. I attended my parent's University for my first two years and accrued about half of the semester hours I should have in that time frame. I transferred to a trade school for a year to get a cert in data processing. My GPA was top of my class and confirmed with the Dean of the tradeschool that I could skip the last 6wks of the program and still graduate. So, I started at a University in the Fall of that year.  I attended as a commuter student for 2 years then transferred to our local CC for a couple of years until my divorce.  I then sold my share of my company to my partners moved back to the State where my first university was located and attended a non competitive entry fully accredited for profit University where I completed my BS.

I have been a 6 figure earner for more than half of the 30 years since finishing my BS.  A number of my class mates have done as well or better than I have.   I graduated with $10K in loans which I paid off in less than a year of graduation.  My parents refused to sign my FASFA forms for their income to be considered for financial aid so no grants, no secured loans, just supplemental private school loans. 

My point is, the goal is aneducation and graduation from an accredited school.  What label is on the diploma other than "Bachelor/Master/Doctor of" is secondary to getting the sheepskin.

My model is not for everyone.  But, it has been effective for me and many others.

Kids need to understand that the resume can get you the interview, the interview can get you the job, at that point it is on you to deliver to the employers needs.  A degree is only part of a resume.  Many recruiting departments do not look for where a degree is from, they look only at whether or not you have one.  Having one, regardless of what accredited institution it is from, is far more advantageous than not having one.

I will say, schools with highly developed global networks of graduates are a huge long term career advantage. The one that I have seen most prominantly represented all over the world where I have worked, is Texas A&M.  Aggies are extremely broadly integrated into global industry and if you wear the ring, you pretty much get the job when there is an Aggie in the hiring decision matrix.

If I rewound to HS graduation, in hindsight, I would likely have rolled the dice and gone to Princeton.  Or, applied to A&M and become an Aggie.  I have no regrets, but... knowing what I know now.......

On the parent guiding an incoming freshman and providing support for that effort front. I would give the kid a short list of schools and a short list of degrees chosse from. Pick one of each and that is what I will pay for. Do something else.... good luck kid.  My duty is to prepare that kid for life. My duty is not to fund a boondoggle of self discovery.  Since more than half of my 11yr undergrad career was just that boondoggle, I learned my lesson and would not fund anything but a focused path for my own spawn.  I paid for the middle 7 of my 11yrs in undergrad. I am eternally grateful to my parents for trusting that I would finally get it done and for subsidizing the last two years of engineering school.

I have learned that life is what happens when you are dreaming.  Fortunately mine has been one of somewhat meandering adventure and notable success.  So far anyway.

Next, I want to retire and then go find the Lost Dutchman Mine, or the Holy Grail, or........ Maybe knock out a Ph.D and teach at a tribal University somewhere in the beautiful low population regions of the Universe.