You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about this.  Because, as you point out, even if your finances are separate, you are not immune from financial decisions and obligations that he takes on becasue it reduces the amount of money he will have available long term.

I would tell him that your line in the sand.. he will NOT cosign for any loans.  If he wants to say he will pay X/year out right.. that is fine.. if you can agree on that amount.

I also hope that this specialized field actually makes good money.. because his son will be saddled with the debt for many years.  Clearly they need to get the FAFSA stuff done asap so that they know what they are working with.  

His son may need to hear the reality.. son.. we don't have that kind of money.. unless you have some rich relative we don't know about.. we don't see how you will pay the bills.  

When I was younger.. I got accepted to an out of state college.. and an in state college.. my parents said I could go to whichever I wanted.. but if I went in state I would have more resources available.. I went in state.

First, with my bio kids (with my former husband completely on board). Our kids were EXPECTED to do well in high school. In fact, when they got to their Freshman year, I reminded them, this was their fresh start...that colleges only look at high school transcripts, we could not afford to pay full tuition so they needed GOOD grades. The bar was set to what we knew they COULD attain and we refused to lower it. Bad grades? Consequences. Both graduated with excellent scores and several scholarship offers. My daughter opted for the "big school" here...quickly realized she could get her degree at our local school (a nationally recognized department in her degree choice) at a better level and much better price. Between her scholarship monies, Pell grants and my company's contribution ($1K every semester for a 3.0 + average), my investment was $1600. My son had a full scholarship to our local university but chose military service (now out and completed all studies in his career). Our plan worked well for our kids.

To DHs kids: Not one has a full college degree or any trade degree. The one kid that attempted college when I came on the scene dropped out as I suspected he would. DH had to "loan" him money to start. I was not on board for that but when the kid dropped out, I demanded DH collect OUR money back. I also suggested DH tell him, any more attempts to go to university would be on his dime. If he did well, we'd reimburse some of the expenses (if not all). Of course, that never happened.

That's the tactic I'd use if I were your DH. Your SS's comments are filled with red flags. If he's hell bent on attending that high dollar school, then let him get the funding. If he's successful, reimburse but I would not be throwing my money to anything that has a high risk of loss. To note...many kids in our area go to community college for their "basic" classes, then head to the more expensive university for the specific classes. Another option. And NEVER co-sign those student loans. You must pay them back or they will destroy your SS's credit and then your DHs credit. And that will impact YOU.

College, no matter where he goes, is going to bury him. Maybe ... maybe... he could be successful if he started off at a community college and saw how things went but I predict (unless he massively changes his ways) that he will wash out his first semester. A lot of students even if they do decent in HS find that college is much much harder

Time for SS to be told.  No more games. There will be no cosigning, if he chooses to go to his school of choice he will have to figure out how to pay for it. Show him which schools that  you and his daddy will contribute to.  Show him clearly that the amount you will pay for is now $20K less since he chose to not take the college credit classes in HS that would have been no out of pocket cost.  He can graduate with $20K more debt than he otherwise would have graduated with.  Still, regardless of which school he goes to, no cosigning. Not one Cent.

Lazy kids do not get a choice, they pay for it themselves, and .... when they start crying, tell them that tears won't solve their problem.

We thought my SS was lazy. As it turned out, he was very self aware, did not apply for schools because he knew he was not ready to focus.  After months of us riding  him like a cheap pony about getting applications submitted he finally sat us down and gave us clarity. So, we continued to ride him like a cheap pony to step into early adulthood.  He chose not to take the mom and dad full meal deal college ride scholarship so... he had to step out. That took the form of the military which is now paying for his college.  He is moving slower on that than his mom and I would like, but... he is moving.  He has completed his ASCS and is plucking away at the remaining classes to complete his BSCS.

SD20 decided on a PRIVATE out of state college, aka with housing the costs are above $85K per year. She did get a "scholarship" - aka bribe money so they choose the school then the school knows they get the housing and the other half of the tuition. I read about private schools doing this. DH refused to pay anything because he has zero relationship with OSD. Who knows where the $$ came from (oh, wait - the college and retirement fund DH had and BM was awarded 100% of at divorce and also wealthy grandfather!?).

SD18 is looking also now at a PRIVATE out of state expensive school. DH committed to BM, I think, around $2K per month. I have no idea about the deal or logistics because he refuses to discuss it with me. I did tell him he better not also foot a bill for a "single" room if YSD requests one.

Basically I've been against out of state private schools from the get go. We have excellent in state schools and an exchange program with a neighboring state that also has excellent schools. But no, not good enough for SDs. DH talks out of both sides of his mouth, criticizing people who choose "ivy league" schools because "it makes no difference" but oh, with his kids, "they deserve the best school choice they can get." I called him on this several times but was shut out.

I will not pay anything for their schooling. DH knows I won't cover him if he's low on funds. I am working on my own retirement plan without him at this point. He knows I'll be furious if he takes out any private loans for college b/c as a joint assets state I could be on the hook. Although we still have separate accounts/money management but for true joint house costs. It's so frustrating to have zero say even though it WILL effect us!

I am so thankful this is one thing DH and I always agreed on was college educations:

Bio/Step gets a full ride with scholarships, congratulations go enjoy your 4-year college.

No plans, no clue what you want to do, great then you can attend a JC and tuition will be split between us and them, books as well.

Don’t want to go to college, join the military or get a full-time job.

Many moons ago, I had an exBF that got caught in some SERIOUS college debt. The college he was going to was "out of state" for him. He took a semster off and withdrew because of health/family issues one year. Also decided to get his master's so that was an additional 2 years. 

He signed off on all the loans himself (mother was deceased) and his dad did not. 

After graduation he realized he had more then $125,000 of debt. He deferred payments until his first "adult" job but eventually missed payments and was marked delinquint. His credit score PLUMMETED. He could not purchase a car a few years later and no one would give him a loan. It hit his renter credit too somehow. 

Thank GOD we never mingled finances otherwise it would have been a disaster. 

DO NOT CO SIGN anything! That debt will be tied to your husband forever and it will affect you BOTH getting loans in the future (vehicles, new house, etc.) Tell him this horror story if you wish. I would offer to help fill out the FAFSA, but that is IT. 

No Co-signing!!

A kid who REALLY wants to go to college for more than the party and girl scene or status will WORK hard to make that dream happen.

This kid is lazy and will FAIL, and your husband will have to PAY, which means you'll have to go without to cover that debt.

No. No. No.

And it's more than just tuition and room/board. There are a lot of other various expenses and your sloth of a step child is not preparing.

My two older kids did really well in school, but they had to be pushed. From an early age, they were taught that only As and Bs are allowed. Cs have to be hard won which meant the only acceptable C was one where they did all they could to get extra help or extra credit. This led the older two to qualify for a generous scholarship from their dad's employer AND other scholarships from their schools. Both did well in school and my daughter has a mechanical engineering degree from a university with a good reputation. My DS33 has two degrees from state colleges and is currently working on his master's degree.

We prepared our kids for college, but encouraged them to go the trade route, as well. Whatever they wanted.

We were lucky to never take out college loans as all 3 kids had college funds from their grandparents. But, that didn't stop us, their parents, from requiring them to get good grades and take college serious. Both of the older two had jobs the summers between college years to earn spending money.

Please sit your husband down and tell him that this is NOT his decision to make unilaterally.

If your SS were mine, I would expect him to demonstrate good scholastic effort in high school and then community college before I would ever consider helping him go to a 50K a year university.

What we've done with both SDs is tell them, "we will pay for you to live in a dorm, we will pay for a meal plan, and we will pay for half your tuition. Everything else is on you. We will not co-sign for loans. If you decide to move off campus, that's on you too." OSD lost her shit when she tried to push for one of us to co-sign for her to move into an apartment after her freshman year and we refused. She ended up staying in the dorm another year, and is moving off campus next semester, at her own expense. Just in time for us because YSD is starting college next semester, so this will make it a little less painful for us financially.

To her credit, I was very skeptical that she would be able to figure out how to cover everything we weren't covering, because BM won't contribute a dime, and up to that point, OSD had basically no work ethic and also was not a very good student. But somehow she turned it around and has been working full time, is VP of her sorority, and is making all As. If you'd asked me two years ago to predict where she would be, I would have 100% said that she would've dropped out and ended up in debt. Hopefully your SS has a similar turnaround, but in the meantime I would absolutely go with your instincts and refuse to co-sign for anything. 

There are exter expenses at college.  Books and exter $1,000. Now you rent a computer book, on line.   Bringing us to a laptop computer.  Some colleges want max books. $2,000.  Exter activity fees ?  College insists on medical coverage , must prove, or pay for.  Special sheets. Dome size. Blankets  ect.  Refrigerator. Microwave,  
 

Transportation,  thanksgiving, Christmas, mid year break, Easter, spring break,  end of term.  All kids travel on the same days.  Airline fairs go crazy,  Airlines know kids have to pay or take the bus.   Or DH will have to take time off to play Mr. Uber,

depending on how far this college is.  Plan for someone to drive him up for the first time, overnight stay, shopping,  book store has most things needed.  So it for thing co-signing a lone is going to be the end of it,  NO.  State schools have the same expenses but the cost is more like $25,000 a year 

Your SS didn't do his due diligence to reduce costs for his education therefore your dh should not lift a finger to help him. Once the kid graduates, he works full-time and also does the necessary to raise his grades and to earn the credits to maximise all grants, etc. Review his progress every month and adapt requirements accordingly. 

Sure, help with college.  Just make sure that the degree they pursue is more than a receipt when they are done.  Far too many never even get a receipt because they never complete any degree. Just as many get a degree that is useless and little more than a receipt for the classes they took.

33% of college students drop out and never complete a degree.

50%+ of college graduates are working in fields that do not require a degree.

52% are still unemployed a year after completing their degree.

My point is, a parent has to be a good steward of their own money and a good steward of forming the future of their spawn or StepSpawn.  Just getting a degree is not a viable goal if that degree has no income upside opportunity affiliated with it.

It took me many years to realize this key learning.  I was 20 Semester hours from a BA in economics when I changed majors to engineering.  The best move I ever made in my college career.  I do not love engineering. I do love what I do. Mostly, I love doing the things my career allows me to do in my non work life.

My mom was at the salon getting her hair done for my brother's and my graduation from Engineering school.  She was there with a number of moms prepping for graduations of their kids and other moms whose kids had already graduated.  No one had kids who had offers prior to graduation. A number of the mom's had top tier University graduate kids who were waiting tables a year+ after graduating.  The common denominator was that those kids all had basically non marketable degrees and had not learned that the degree without action and connection was not contributory to their success. 

My brother and I each had multiple offers prior to graduation and had accepted great roles before we graduated.  We did not go to a tip tier University. We did get Engineering degrees.  Neither of us were honors grads, we were solid middle of our class.  Only one of our classmates had more offers prior to graduation than my brother and I had.  We each had 5.  3 or those were from the same 3 companies. We each had 2 offers that the other did not get.  One classmate, a guy that was basically a ghost the whole 3 years of engineering school, had 6 offers.

When the group of moms at the salon asked my mom about my brother and I, she shared that we had both accepted offers already with a solid company.

An interesting event near the end of our degree was when we had a 1 semester  hour class on job search strategies taught by the director of grad placement for the university.  She split the class into 4 groups.  3.8 - 4.0 GPA in one corner. 3.0 - 3.8 in another courner.  2.75-3.0 in a third cornner, and 2.75 and below in the 4th corner.  She then said, "Everyone on the lowest half of the room will have more offers than those in the higher GPA half of the room."  Of course the high half of the room all took exception, commented on their academic performance, and how the were the best engineers in the class. They was right.  The instructor then said "That is why the lower half GPA graduates will have jobs first and have more offers. They understand that opportunity is built with human connection and not standing.  That was all true. Our Valedictorian was the last one in our class to get an offer.

He was brilliant. However, he knew he was good and he let everyone know it. Including the companies he interviewed with.  He ended up as a design engineer working for an inventor whose company was set up in his garage at his house. Probably the most fun job or anyone in our class. Just not much pay and not a lot of growth opportunity.

Shortly after graduation we both were working for a hopping technology company doing some great stuff.  That company hired 32 of my graduating class of 37.  We were working with MIT and engineering graduates from some of the top engineering  schools on the planet.  While they did make more than we did, their school label certainly had value, within a few years we were leading groups that consisted of our fellow former new hire engineers.  My brother, Mr COO, is incredibly successful. I did very well myself.  Of our class of 37 (the school typically graduates abourt 150 engineers a year) my brother is by far the most successful. I am top 10%.  Neither of us was anywhere near the top of our graduating class.

I will restate what I said above, with an additional caveat.  My point is, a parent has to be a good steward of their own money and a good steward of forming the future of their spawn or StepSpawn.  Just getting a degree is not a viable goal if that degree has no income upside opportunity affiliated with it.  

The degree is not the end, it is merely the start of a career. Those who miss the point that a degree demonstrates that you can set and accomplish a goal, and are at least supposed to have the basic ability to analyze and solve problems, are ill equiped to continually optimize their quality of life or their career.

IMHO of course.

I am all in on a degree education. But.... it has to be stewarded with access to a career in mind.

Full disclosure, if I could make solid 6 figures just going to school, that would be my career dream.  Alas, I have not yet found that opportunity.  Instead, I work.