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BM and SS's plan is for us to pay the first two college payments

WokeUpABug's picture

Then in October they will "figure out" how to get the rest of the money. DH is just sick because he doesn't want to be the bad guy but no matter what he will be.

If he withholds his money until SS shows an ability to pay the rest SS won't start college because he has no ability to pay the rest - and his dad has this money sitting in an account why wouldn't he pay it now so SS could have a little time to get the rest of the funds together? Because from May until now he's gotten so much accomplished (sarcasm).

DH admits that in October SS and BM will have done nothing to get loans (BM can't get a loan due to bankruptcy) and that he will then "have no choice" but to cosign or be the bad guy.

I told him, well I guess you will be the bad guy then because over my dead body are you consigning for loans. Really. There is even a line in our prenup that neither of us can take on new debt without the others permission. He then said he couldn't wait until he got money (we are expecting a nice bonus at the end of the year). I said no way are you giving SS more than the already generous amount we promised. We have major debts, an underfunded retirement, and a lot of better uses for that money,

DH is so upset I feel bad for him. He wanted his first child going to college to be a happy thing and instead due to BM it's all turned to shit. I told him if he's going to be the bad guy either way he may as well own it and be a dick now. I said why allow SS and BM to gamble with your money? Pay 1/4 of the amount you promised at each of the four payments. Don't make the next payment until you see they've paid their share of the last one. He said he couldn't do that because of course they never would. Well how in gods name is he going to go to college for four years?

And of course the other three are all safely ensconced in private school thanks to BM. SMH.

Comments

SM with BM from hell's picture

Maybe SS can go to community college and DH can use his portion to pay for that. At least at the end of 2 years he will have an AA degree and the cost of going to a 4 year college will be less. Also the 2 years will give BM time from her bankruptcy discharge and she may be able to consign on a loan for SS.

ETA... I know it's not ideal but it's better than doing nothing.

DaizyDuke's picture

This is EXACTLY how GBM/BM1 work. They make all kinds of promises all.the.time to SD17 and then when the time rolls around for them to actually buck up the bucks it's always some excuse! Ya know a $1200 cable bill because the weirdo Uncle who lives with GBM ran up the bill buying porn. Or GBM gambled all their money away at the Racino, or poor, poor BM needed the money to buy things for her other daughters, or to pay her rent or be evicted and on and on. It's ALWAYS something. Then SD17 comes crying to DH and he feels like a jerk if he says no, but of course this was their intentions all along. It's maddening!

I agree with Sally, DH needs to tell SS, THIS is the amount you are getting from us. It can not change, because THIS is all we have. So you'll need to figure it out like millions of college kids do every year. Get a job, get student loans etc. He'll survive, I promise!

WokeUpABug's picture

Yup, I agree. BMs plan ALL along. Either she and SS can come up with the money or they can't. The situation isn't magically going to change in two months. That's why I'm encouraging DH to force them to deal with it now.

robin333's picture

Good for you for reminding DH that he won't be cosigning any loans! He may feel like the bad guy but he is not. He has upheld his part. I bet BM is expecting him to "cover " in October as I do not think she will have the money.

WokeUpABug's picture

Thanks! it really sucks how these guys always come out the bad guy no matter what. And BM gets to not pay for her kids college and come away looking like the poor mother that just wants the best for her son.

robin333's picture

It does suck! Your DH did not make this mess, he has kept his word. I hate how things get twisted to make it appear that it's his fault. He has nothing to feel guilty about.

And BM can take her MOTY act and shove it. STFU and keep your freaking word BM!

notarelative's picture

Has SS even contacted the financial aid office at the college?
Has he inquired about a work study job?
If the answer is no, I say no to the money.
If the answer is yes, I would expect SS to show his father the paperwork he received and to give permission for them to talk to dad so he can be sure that he is getting the correct information.

SS can ask to defer his admission and start second semester when the financials are worked out.

Or SS may have to take a semester off and start out at community college.

Neither deferring or community college are awful options. Paying your half when BM won't is an awful option.

WokeUpABug's picture

He can't get aid. BM makes six figures. He already applied and was rejected. BM just spends it all.

I agree about deferring but DH is worried it will embarrass SS. We are upper middle class and all of his private school are going to college. It's a shame BM is such a mess up that every damn thing has to suck.

WalkOnBy's picture

Wait, what? She makes six figures and can't figure out how to pay for college for her kid???

Regardless of her income, he can get a Federal Subsidized and a Federal Unsubsidized loan. For freshman year, he can borrow $5500. All he has (had maybe, at this point) to do is file a FAFSA. He won't get any grants because of her income, but he can and should get these loans. They are not need-based.

I am a big fan of kids having skin in the college game. My kids have loans, and it's kinda fun to watch them agonize over their spending habits now that they money isn't mine or their dad's }:)

robin333's picture

I'm a big believer in kids "having skin in the game ". Makes them accountable and usually more appreciative.

hereiam's picture

This is really a no brainer, give up no funds until SS and BM have their share. There's no law that says he has to start college this semester and there is certainly nothing wrong with doing the first 2 years at a community college.

It doesn't sound as if SS is all that motivated to go to college.

I agree that your DH is going to be the bad guy no matter what, unless he funds the whole damn college experience, so better to be the bad guy with some money in the bank instead of just throwing it away.

WokeUpABug's picture

But then SS couldn't move in on time to live with his FRIENDS. And his super important club sport starts in the fall. Which I'm pretty sure is his number 1 interest in college.

notsobad's picture

It sounds like it's DH who wants SS to go to college. Does SS even want to go?

If he isn't serious about school it won't matter who pays, he won't pass all his courses and the money will be wasted.
Having the money in place would show he's serious about it. Perhaps DH could look at it that way and explain it to him that way. Put the onus on him to prove he really wants an education.

"If you are not willing to learn no one can help you. If you are determined to learn no one can stop you"

TheAccidentalSM's picture

This is a con. BM gets your DH to pay the first couple of installments with the promise that she'll find the money for her share soon. Come October, the story will be "Oops, couldn't find the money" and if your DH doesn't pay up it will be his fault that SS gets booted out of school. She plans to guilt him into paying the whole amount.

Much beter to be the bad guy now

kathc's picture

Exactly.

And your DH is a fucking moron if he thinks he will have to cosign for loans. NO. SS can get student loans ON HIS OWN with no cosigner. DO NOT LET BM lie about this. She's full of it.

WokeUpABug's picture

I've tried looking online and can't find a single private loan without a co signer. Federal loans don't need cosigners but SS already has those.

kathc's picture

Wait, he already HAS federal student loans? Then how the hell do they have "no money" for school? That money is going to go to the school to pay his tuition! How high IS the tuition?

WalkOnBy's picture

Yeah, this. If your SS already has federal subsidized and unsubsidized loans, that's $5500 that will apply directly to his tuition. They will disburse to his student account and will be applied against the balance.

Half the first semester and half the second semester. I am thinking now that BM is totally setting up your DH.

Danger, danger Will Robinson!!

WokeUpABug's picture

$38,000 per year. $32,500 after the federal loans. See earlier blogs. We offered SS18 the same Amy regardless of where he went. He could have gone instate for $10,000 cheaper.

WalkOnBy's picture

Ah, so the issue isn't that BM's precious poopsie CAN'T go to college, it's that PP can't afford the college he chose.

Then, I guess he'd better choose more wisely.

Stick to your guns, Bug. He gets whatever amount your DH and you agreed to give him. Anything beyond that is not your problem.

WalkOnBy's picture

probably not the same loans. Sallie Mae is not the Federally funded subsidized and unsubsidized program. Their interest rate is much higher than the federal loans.

Also, my kids both attend state universities. Instate tuition alone at one is almost 22K and tuition at the other one is 18K. It is CRAZY how much the cost of a college education has increased in the last 20 years.

Jsmom's picture

He will only get so much in loans. If you put anything down and they don't pay, he gets kicked out and the money is gone. I would say no and register him for community college. This is a joke.

I am telling you there is not much out there in Federal loans. Whose house filed the FAFSA? All of this is leading up to him taking out private loans and needing a co-signer. DON"T do it. I would be cautious of my husband if he may sign it without telling me.

My son has a scholarship that pays his tuition. I pay everything else and that is still 7K a semester. I guarantee if he loses that loan, his butt is moving back home and finishing when he can afford it.

AllySkoo's picture

Agree with EVERYONE above. There are LOTS of options.

I want to give you a slight twist on "being the bad guy" though. It sounds like your DH is already approaching this with a "I'm so sorry, I know I failed" attitude. (Not that he's saying exactly that, but that he feels like other people think he failed.)

FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

You see my tagline, about allowing the other side to dictate the terms of the conversation? It applies right here, right now, to your DH. Tell your DH that in no way should he accept "blame" or "guilt" here. But more than that, he MUST put forward his OWN opinion and his OWN attitude as being the "correct" one. So in any conversation with SS (he needn't have a conversation with BM at all), he is NOT to be apologetic or guilty or say "I'm sorry". He is to remember that he is gifting someone with money - that's a place of generosity and love, NOT guilt.

"So, son, what have you done about paying for the rest of the college bill?"
"Well, if you pay the first two payments, Mom and I will find the rest later."
"You'll 'find the rest'? Are you looking in seat cushions? Tell me when you're serious about going to college and we can revisit the subject."

Your DH has to adjust his *attitude* here. He MUST decide that he does NOT deserve to feel guilty or accept any blame and everything flows from that. It will be a lot harder for SS and BM to "make him the bad guy" if he can honestly believe he ISN'T the bad guy, you know?

WokeUpABug's picture

This is amazing it is exactly what I told DH earlier today. I asked him why he was being so defeatist and guilty. I told him he had come through on his end of the bargain, and since he was the only one with money right now, he holds all the cards.

Honestly he is so used to the courts siding against him, skids siding against him, etcetera that he is just guilty from the get go. I think the only thing he should have to feel guilty over is choosing such a moron for his kids mom!

Last In Line's picture

Forget the October thing--as others have said, the other payments won't be made and SS will get dropped.

I'd make the agreement that DH will pay for fall, and she will pay for spring. Period. That way at least one semester is paid for. If she can't/won't, then SS is going to have to come up with a plan to cover that semester another way. Go to work? Get a loan? Whatever it takes.

notsobad's picture

You know if he does this for SS, it's going to happen for the rest of the kids too. Is he prepared to pay for all 4 of them?

No matter how this shakes out he's going to be the bad guy. He just needs to decide how much money he wants to lose in the process.

As everyone here has said, be the bad guy now. It really sounds like it's unavoidable. Take the abuse now and he won't be expected to shell out good money after bad in the future.

Jsmom's picture

Did he get 5500 for the year or the semester... curiously we could only get 3750 for the semester. Absolutely pathetic.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

I have never understood why parents feel they should pay for their child(rens) college education, unless they have the means to do so.

IMHO, young adults will get waaaay more out of the college experience/education if they know they are ultimately responsible for making sure the bill is paid.

There has been significant news about parents retirement accounts being underfunded due to taking on their children's debt (home loans, college, etc., etc.) And for what? Are these same children going to let "mom and/or dad" move in when they run out of funds in their golden years?

DarkStar's picture

This situation is my big fear also.

SD17 is a senior in high school this year. BM and SO have not planned or saved one penny for any of the kids' continued education. I have said MANY times that my money will NOT go to subsidize the parents' failure to plan for their kids' futures.
And SD17 is about the laziest person on earth. She won't file for aid or loans unless SO gets on her...and then it will be all last minute