You are here

Why can't I give up?

Toastergirl's picture

Submitted by Toastergirl on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 6:33pm

why do I do this to myself? Why do I do things to make her happy when she will be temporarily happy and then forget, or not at all and compare it to her moms? Why am I a glutton for punishment? I always am bewildered because when I was her age, I was grateful for anything and everything I got. And now I wonder- why do I keep comparing her to me? It's the SAME pattern: SD and I get close, I get so excited and happy, then SD does something that snaps me back to reality. We do something for SD, she then puts it down and ridicules it, yet is unwilling to do it herself. It's the "somebody else will do it for me" mentality and "But my parents are divorced so I deserve this" that makes my eye twitch.

Why do I keep putting myself through this? Why do I buy her or do nice things only to have her cast them aside or complain? Why didn't I just use money for my DD, and write my names on the gifts DH bought?
It's a cycle: I try; I fail, I get hurt. I then push SD farther away emotionally to protect myself, just to try again. I promise myself I'm done with her, then keep going back.

It if were a relationship, it would be messed up.
If it were a relationship, My friends and family would be pleading with me to leave.
WHY do I try so hard?
What's so freaking wrong with me that I want to please a Nine year old and make her happy so badly? Why do I think I can save her?

SIL and MIL gave me an intervention last night. SIL has been disengaged for two years. She's a teacher, and finds SDs behavior abhorrent. She sees how DH fails to parent her. She says it will be a daily struggle for me. I will WANT to try. They told me I am more than welcome to stay with them whenever SDs foot is in the house. They said they have a spare bedroom always available. They love sd and DH, but told me I CANNOT fix them. They don't want me dragged in the middle of this custody battle. Everything they said made absolute sense.

But i can't bring myself to quit. I can't give up on someone I see struggling,

Why?

Comments

Toastergirl's picture

Submitted by Toastergirl on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 7:17pm

Exactly. I spend more time thinking about SD than DD.

I wish I was a selfish person.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 7:49pm

What's amazing is that your MiL and SIL see things clearly and offer you refuge! Do you understand how rare that is?
With that kind of support system in place I would feel invincible! You are VERY lucky but seem focused on what you don't have rather on what you do. Those two women are taking you under their wing. They are sane! Hallelujah!

Toastergirl's picture

Submitted by Toastergirl on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 8:15pm

SIL was a stepmom for a decade. BMs weren't in the picture. She raised the two SS's as her own, while her husband barely lifted a finger.

She divorced him because he didn't do jack, and moved out here.

SIL is a teacher for inner city school kids. She is a strict disciplinarian. SD is hardly ever disciplined.
Two years ago, she was over at the house watching SD while DH (not my DH then) mowed the lawn. SD (age 7 then) wanted to go outside. SIL said no, your father is mowing the lawn and has headphones on so he can't hear you if something bad happens to you.
SD hates the word "no". She started screaming, ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. SIL told her to open the door or else she would break it down. SD did, but threw a fit between the wall and the toilet, bawling and told her she hoped she would die.

When SIL went and got DH, she expected DH to spank her. Instead he said, "that wasn't nice of you, SD. Apologize and you can come outside to play, as long as you have headphones on too."

That was the straw that broke the camels back.. There was a ton of other events leading up to this. But that was the main event. She buys Christmas presents and birthday presents but that's it. Sees her on holdays but nothing more. SD would run around the restaurant, and DH would let her. She stopped going out to eat with them.

She is my SM hero.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 8:07pm

Here is something to think about. Legally you are DHs wife. That is all you are required to be. Legally his wife. There isn't any legal recognition or authority for a stepparent with stepchildren than there is for a postman and the stepchildren. Actually the postie probably has some federal regulation he can pull out of his hat if they open someone elses mail and he witnesses it.

You probably t is also a reflection on you that this child lives with you and goes out with you and because she is in your home strangers probably have the expectation that all your good manners and behaviours and ethics are somehow acquired by osmosis by this child,

I was you. I wanted my ssons to have good table manners and behaviour when we were out. Nothing profoundly fancy but to know you hold a door for adults and not barge your way through first.. Wait for everyone to get their meals before eating your dinner. Simple things I know DH does ... but his sons? Nope.

So I pulled back. I painfully disengaged from them. I would not eat out with them. I ate alone rather than have to view their concrete mixer mouths ploughing through spaghetti... again. Some things DH never noticed and some he did. He questioned me and I told him they are his boys, I am not even related to them so he is on his own with them. And I started doing other things like knitting and crochet and sewing and crafts. I can only say Michaels saved my sanity.

I didn't buy them gifts, I didn't cook for them. I stopped having expectations of them. And that was the key. I still cared but I had no expectationsa of them because I was never in public with them and I gave up caring. When DH would get upset with grades and things he would vent at me and I would say "I am sorry. but I am sure you will work something out with them."

And I think pulling back and having nothing to do with them made them appreciate me more. I had my line in the sand and if they crossed it, I would let them know about it dispassionately as I could.

Just withdraw. Eventually it will be forever.

Toastergirl's picture

Submitted by Toastergirl on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 8:26pm

No, you are absolutely right.

To her, I am just another adult she can manipulate.

Any adult who does not to what she asks (SIL, teacher) is "mean".

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 8:29pm

Then be 'mean'. Be the 'mean' one. Does her opinion of you really matter at this stage? Stand your ground and be the 'mean' one.

peacemaker's picture

Submitted by peacemaker on Thu, 01/22/2015 - 8:18pm

When I finally accepted that these were not my children...They are a product of the first marriage...their issues are not mine..I did not create them..I did not contribute to how messed up these people really are...They are not my first priority...my children are...They already have parents....

Then when they turned into adults I learned...I am not responsible for another person choices...nor the pain they experience...I am only responsible for the decisions I make for my own family...that's it.....It was hared to let go, but after a while...It is now so freeing......I wish I would have disengaged 27 years ago...