TGIT - Monday was a bust
Yesterday when DH and SS return after school pickup, I notice SS asking DH to unlock his tablet over and over without a breath in between while DH is on the phone with a customer (DH has a flexible job and can work from home as needed). I ignore the situation due to my nacho mentality and leave DH to handle it. Eventually DH snips at him and tells him that he's on the phone, has to find something else to do for now and not to interrupt him while he's on the phone. SS proceeds to watch TV for a while but comes to see if I would unlock his tablet. I ask, do you have homework? He said um.... yes. I ask, Did you do your homework.... he replies no. I ask, Is your bed made and your room tidy? He pauses again (I am more strict so he knows I check) and replies that he didn't. So I told him that I wouldn't be inclined to unlock his device until his responsibilities were met for the day. It's easier that way. Getting him off the device to do them is difficult and causes outbursts.
As soon as DH finishes his phone call, SS likes to easedrop so he busted out of his room to ask about unlocking the tablet again. I chimed in to ask if he finished his responsibilities. He said well.... no. I said, okay, you need to do that first.. like I mentioned earlier. DH gets too distracted with his tasks and internal thoughts to figure out what's going on so blindly agrees to what I say, but clueless. SS knows DH is a space case and uses it to his advantage in times like.
Eventually SS completes his tasks and DH goes to unlock the tablet... only to find out that he forgot the password. It's usually unlocked on SS account but when it is shut down, it automatically opens to DHs account. After many tries, it locks DH out for 1 hour before he can try it again. DH comes to me asking if I knew his password... nope. SS has his mini outburst, fixated on the time DH can try to enter his password again. I tell SS to figure out another activity to pass the time, if he doesn't he will drive us all mad.
DH has another phone call he takes. SS requested to go outside to play in the snow. I don't usually have a problem with it because we have a hedged in back yard so I can stay inside with the little kids, but it was getting dark at that point so I said no. Once again, outburst for that.
I turned on a movie for DD3 to wind down before dinner in the playroom. DH is off of the phone so sits in the room with DD and DS. SS notices the little kids gaining the smallest attention from DH and runs into the room to watch a movie he wasn't interested in 5 minutes before. DH receives an important phone call and takes it in our bedroom with the door closed.
DS1 was getting fussy so I picked him up and brought him to the kitchen with me. I heard a yell from the playroom so I took a few steps over to see what SS and DD were doing. The kids were playing with hockey mini sticks passing a plastic ball back and forth from under a foam arch we have. It was mellow play, but you could tell DD was distracted by the movie she wanted to watch. SS tries to get DD to entertain him when he's bored, so my assumption was that DD didn't really want to play, but just agreed because SS kept bothering her play with him.
What happens next.. I can't make it up. SS passed the ball to DD from under the arch. DD, still distracted, sitting not paying attention, stands up and picks up the ball while watching her movie. SS waits a couple seconds before crawling under the arch, stands up, says something closely to DD that I could not hear and aggressively shoves her with his arm/shoulder. Meanwhile DD is still watching TV, completely unaware of why the heck that just happened. DD was unharmed, but I'll tell you I lost my mind. I sent SS immediately to his room and yelled for DH to handle his child. DH was in the other room during this time so I explain what I witnessed.
DH goes into SS room to discuss the situation. SS starts yelling and crying "how come SHE gets to do what SHE does and I get in trouble?!" DH is confused and asks what did DD do? SS rambles inaudible words and then says you know, WHAT SHE DID! I DONT KNOW!!! DH sternly tells SS what he did was unacceptable regardless of what DD may have or may not have done. DH tells SS his devices are gone for the night. I tell DH I don't want him playing with the little kids for the remainder of the day. What I witnessed was completely unprovoked, scary, explosive behavior.
DH had to grab something for dinner quickly, but said he was telling SS he is to remain in his room for how he acted. When DH returns SS busts out of his room again, all bubbly "daddy, you're home! I missed you soooo much!" DH was gone for 10 minutes. DH snaps and tells SS to go back into his room, everything isn't fine and he should think about the severity of his actions. When SS was told to apologize, he did but it was his tone that spoke volumes. It was the typical "I'm doing this because you're forcing me to, but I'm not sorry".
I made DH go back in later to discuss with SS the reason why he shoved his sister. I needed to know what he justified as a reason to try to hurt his sister. While SS gets into the shower, I ask DH what SS told him. DH explains to me that SS claims that DD wasn't being fair while playing and didn't let him have a turn. So that's why he thought the proper response is violence??? The worst part is if no one saw it in real time, who would know what actually happened!? His version of what happened vs reality is severely distorted.
The rest of the night I avoided SS completely. I'm dreading after school already today. This isn't the first time SS has been aggressive during unprovoked situations. If you ever read any of my previous vent posts, you might remember when SS punched DH in the face last year in front of the hockey team/parents due to a miscommunication.
I told DH that when it comes down to it, I will always put my bio kids first for their well being. SS choices and behaviors will not significantly affect my kids lives. SS has zero control over his own emotions and dies on the hill over his delusional POV. I firmly discussed his therapy again. BM is bipolar so it wouldn't surprise me if SS is as well. And yes, she's rarely around. She's a FaceTime mom 99% of the year.
I'll be snuggling my babies for the remainder of our peaceful day... until hell breaks loose again at 2:30pm.
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Comments
How old?
How old is your SS? I'm assuming you have him all the time? He sounds like a handful.
SS will be 8 in April. Yes,
SS will be 8 in April. Yes, we have him full time. BM moved to MO once her and DH split, we live in NYS. BM has reasonable visitation, which is typically once a year for a 1 - 8 week stay. Whichever she feels like doing.
A thought
My 3 SKs were boisterous, too, not as bad as your SS but bad enough. YSS was particularly active. He was a natural athlete so we put him in year-round sports, which he loved. That seemed to drain some of the energy tho it requires lots of driving and you sound like you're already pretty busy. Plus, it gave him good attention rather than attention for being disruptive. Just a thought.
We have him participating in
We have him participating in youth hockey which takes up 3-4 days a week depending on game schedules. The season is quiet long, runs from October to March and requires lots of travel. Could participate in a spring sport, but can't commit to summer sports due to BM. DD is starting to participate in extracurricular stuff as well so we do not want to designate all free time to SS. We need to find ways to keep his energy and outbursts at bay or channel it differently while we are at home and out doing other activities as a family.
I wouldn't allow him to play with the
Younger ones. Other than nanny cams watching him 24/7. I'm sure if I had "ours" kids with Chef, his ferals would have teased and tortured them acting as a gang.
I agree
We have cameras but none of them have a playback feature unless we subscribe to them. Something that needs to be done for our most used common rooms. If you have suggestions for a camera that will play back footage without paying for a monthly subscription let me know.
Eufy!
I have Eufy solar cams on a hotspot at my vacant rentals and I recently purchased the Eufy doorbell with home base 2 which is working well...you can see the playback, no subscription required.
You are the full-time home. You enforce standards. Period. Dot!
Never allowing him on the device solves the screen brain problem. End of issue. We purged video games from our home in 6th grade. End of related drama.
Like so many, you are a figure out the cause person. When it is behavior related I don't waste my time on the why. IMHO what matters is the what. The what is nearly immediately identifiable, while the why may never be disernable. Then putting the age appropriate consequences in place to deliver such an intolerable existence of misery that they do not repeat that behavior. Keep it stupid simple.
I do question the quality of decision that puts an unstable. violent, and volatile little monster in a sport that gives him a weapon and promotes aggression. Better to put him in cross country where all he does is run himself into an exhaustion coma.
I would also seriously consider getting him medicated. You have to protect your LOs and this kid is a clear, present, and constant danger to them in your home. Particularly with a disconnected daddy. Though I do applaud that you and your DH are on the same page regarding follow through regarding this kid's crap behavior.
Like you, I was the full time CSP married to the full time CP. Also like you, we never lived nearer than 1200 miles from SpermLand and the SpermIdiot. As is your case with the BM. Visitation was 7wks a year. Also nearly identical to your visitation situation. A key learning that we had is that the standards of behavior and standards of performance in our home were enforced from the second we picked him up from the airport following SpermClan visitation until he was walking down the Jetway to fly to SpermLand for the next visitation. Our visitation schedule was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. Also like your situation, visitation was intermittent and there were a number of periods of a year or more that no visitation was taken by the blended family opposition.
My bride and I met when SS-32 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. Unlike your family, SS is an only in our marriage. He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas. He was the only one in the physical custody of the BM. The three younger half sibs were physically controlled and raised by the SpermGrandHag while SpermGrandHag paid CS to the BM's on the condition she kept the kids. My bride had none of that crap and battled the Hag to retain custody of SS starting when SS was less than 1yo. Our son is a man of honor, integrity, and character is his life as a viable adult, in his profession, and in his community. The three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas include #2 who is on the dole, #3 who is in prison as a convicted armed felon, and #4 who is not far behind #3.
I completely support the advice to get 24/7 full camera coverage of your home. There can never be a time when this kid is not fully monitored. Except when he is in his room or the toilet. Other than that, every twitch he makes, anything he ever does, or says has to be recorded and reviewable.
The emotional outburst you recounted in your OP above is clear justification for this. He attacked your LO then tried to deflect with daddy about getting in trouble and the LO not getting in trouble for some made up delusional manipulative bullshit that the STB7yo pulled out of his ass.
Investing in the why is exhausting. There really is no why for many if not most of these situations and incidents. Focusing on the what, and applying behavior modifying misery is a far more effective use of your time and efforts. Pain is the ultimate teaching mechanism. So, bring the pain and teach SS what the boundaries are and what choosing to violate those boundaries returns.
Pain being misery inducing consequences and not abusive torture of course.
One thing that was exceptionally effective with my SS was sentences. Tens of thousands of them all in perfect handwriting, perfect punctuation, written at a notable pace. The sentence would focus his mind on a particular inappropriate choice. When he was not at school or the family was not engaged in a out of the house activity, he was in an isolated location writing sentences. If he was misbehaving when he was supposed to be behaving, or screwing around when he was supposed to be working, he was writing sentences.
This does a few things. It focuses the kid on the infraction, it builds incredible hand writing, spelling, and grammar skills, and it gives everyone else in the household/family a break from the miscreant kid.
Take care of you, take care of your LOs, and give this SKid the structure he needs to function within the household and family in ways that are not disruptive and dangerous for LOs.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
bipolar is the gift that keeps on giving.
If BM was bipolar , good chance SS, is bipolar. BUT he's young bipolar normally shows itself in the teens years. Face facts. SS is not normal m you are not going to get normal reactions from him'
He ne needs major therapy. He needs to be on drugs, to care him down. I dint know how you do it thing way things are now. I know DH has to work, he has to have a clear mind when he's on important phones calls. So he can't properly take care of SS.
'Something has to give. Can you check to see if you can get a aid. College student. For 3 hours a day. For after school to after dinner.
He must be medicated or he's going to hurt one of your bio kids. Your bio kids needs there fathers attention too.
P.S. He needs a full psychological screening. By a person with a M.D after there name. Unfortunately if SS is bipolar he most likely has other mental disorders also. Unfortunately this kid must be drugged up for everybody including his own benefit. Thinking this kid will never live a normal life. Never live on his own.
'you must seriously think about your own and bio kids life. devoting all your time and energy into SS for no results. Giving up on your bios life .