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BM realizes she has no $$ to book flights.

tigerlily's picture

Once again, BM never ceases to amaze me. I don't even know how our household is going to survive the impending drama that I'm sure is going to further unfold. I think I'm going to be staying at work as long as possible to avoid it.

BM informed DH late last week that she doesn't have the money to book flights for kids to go visit her over Christmas. She realizes this about a week and a half before they fly out...she was planning on a flight for next Tuesday, 12/20! Then has the AUDACITY to ask DH to pay for round trip tickets and she will pay him back (yeah right - see below). DH can't afford it so he said "no." BM embarks on her usual campaign of constant texts because she doesn't understand the word "no". Then of course, she transitions to having the kids campaign on her behalf - since she has passed along that wonderful trait of hers to them - they too don't understand the word "no". Of course, we are to blame. BM could get a paper cut and talk to the kids about it and all three of them would find a way to make it our fault. It's okay mom can't afford it, but if we can't afford it - they hate us.

I'm forcing myself to disengage, but its tough. I could nearly max out my credit card to help, but there is no way in flipping hell this time. I've learned my lesson. DH and I keep separate accounts (I'm the primary breadwinner in our home).

SS15 birthday was yesterday. He spent it on the phone with his mom while he and his sister (SD17) were busy looking online for their mom to try and get tickets. Then we learn that she is thinking of trying to get them on a greyhound bus instead. Half way across the country. It would take a day and a half to get there.

Then SS15 begins asking DH that's what he wants for Christmas and to give his Christmas $ to BM. I feel bad for the kid. DH explained that the round trip tickets are more than what we can afford (at this point over $1000 round trip), let alone more than what we are spending on Christmas gifts for them ($100-$150). SS gets pissy and tells DH that if he gets to his mom's that he is not coming back. I feel horrible for them, but this is not our responsibility.

Nevermind that we cannot book a return flight until we know they are going and THAT is already getting more expensive than it was due to having to wait.

BM posts on facebook that her "wonderful son even asked dad to make it his Christmas present, but the answer was of course no."

Apparently WE GROW A MONEY TREE in our backyard.

Let's recap the "fantastic-ness" of our situation:

1) BM chose to move half way across the country and lost custody.
2) We are already doing a favor by helping purchase return flights. She should be responsible for all transportation since she moved and created the distance. There is no visitation or transportation in their order (seriously. Part of the reason she lost custody is because she REFUSES to follow a court order).

3) Return flight last Christmas? They missed it. We had to pay an extra $800 to fly them home. Her response? "Oh well." No joke. Hasn't offered to help pay any of that back. It was MY credit card that bailed her out. We either paid it or the kids would be with her indefinitely (her words)...nevermind about that thing called SCHOOL and attending it.

4) Fairly recently, accused me of "abusing" SS15 (and tells him that I am abusing him) because I took his cell phone away FOR A DAY (DH gave it back after a day) when he refused to do his dishes that he promised to do before cooking for himself, and then I discovered that he had me listed as "the bitch" in his contacts.

5) BM is the rudest, most ungrateful, laziest person and blames us for all of her problems. She treats us like shit, talks to DH in a way that makes my blood BOIL, then turns around and expects us to bail her out?

6) Has been unemployed for approximately 5 years until recently. Pays $20/MONTH in child support to us. She was behind until fairly recently. She had coached the kids to not let us know that she was working again, but SS17 had let it slip recently. I cover their health insurance at a hefty penny. So apparently she is capable of WORKING.

All the while, I work full time, and a SECOND job part time to maintain our household. DH works 60 hours a week.

Am I in the twilight zone? What planet does this lady live on?? Am I missing something obvious here?

Great. Now we are going to have two even MORE SO unhappy, disrespectful kids in our home on Christmas. I feel bad for them. I'm willing to try and help to make it a somewhat nice Christmas for them since they can't be with their mom.

However - that won't work, because they will give us attitude and blame us the entire time while being disrespectful, tell us how much they hate us, and that this is our fault. They will spend the entire time facebooking, texting, and talking to mom about how terrible we are because SHE CAN'T PLAN ahead and take care of HER responsibilities.

I'm praying for a miracle that she will find someone in her life...some of the family she moved to be closer to will help her book the flight. She said she was moving to be closer to "family" she said, but it was really for yet another boyfriend who she has now broke up with...I'm guessing he was footing the bill for the previous two years for flights....or whomever has helped her in the past has also learned the same lesson that we have....that she takes advantage of people and their kindness.


Ommy's picture

In MHO your FDH needs to have a sit down talk with the kids. at 15 and 17 they are more then old enough to realize that in life there are reactions to the choices that they make. Every single December 25th there is a Christmas, it hasnt changed the date hasnt moved, it isnt all of the sudden, BM knows this she knows when Christmas is and she know how to play her kids. She could have been saving and planing for months but made the choice not to. Just like she made the choice to move across country instead of staying close to her kids. I dont think you should feel bad at all. BM did this. If they make the choice to act out against you and your Husband then they should have punishments, i.e no internet (take care of Facebook). Your Skids are old enough to know that it is BM's responsibility to provide for her kids too.

oneoffour's picture

For SS15:
I am sorry your mother moved across the country. That is her choice.
I am sorry your mother cannot afford the tickets. Sadly neither can we. Maybe we should all buy lottery tickets.
If we had moved I wouldn't expect your mother to pay for you to see your Dad.
I think you need to remember a cell phone is not a right but a privilege. It can be disconnected with one phone call if you abuse that privilege. Like putting a nasty name in your address book.
Maybe your Mum could come to see you here. Then she is only paying for one ticket and a hotel room. I can find a good deal for her.

Agknowledge their sadness and frustration. Offer a solution. Of course their mother won't come to see them. You know this. But it is physically possible for her to get on a plane or bus and come and see them. The thing is ... will she? And then the ball is in her court. She will find some reason she cannot come and that needs to be passed on to the kids. They only go bat for her because their father 'has someone' whereas their mother doesn't.

We face this all the time. DH has a heart condition but he has me. Their mother is as healthy as an ox but is unattached. So it is OK for them to ditch helping their father out as planned and run off and help their liddle widdle mother who 'has no one'. It makes me sick!

giveitago's picture

I'd be telling them they can cut grass or babysit or walk dogs to earn some money...ingrate little phukkers!
I heard it said one day that your own happiness is the best revenge on these people...carry on as you would usually do and ignore them. If I were you I'd talk with DH and you and him have a wonderful Christmas day and totally ignore all the barbs and dirty looks. Having your own fun is going to iether piss them off or make them want to join in...iether way you do NOT let this spoil your holidays!! y' hear me? Good.

planningMyEscape's picture

:jawdrop: BM sounds like a real piece of work. How dare she expect YOU to pay for tickets when she was the one who chose to move?! You are a steparent anyway-you have NO financial obligation to those kids whatsoever. Wow. Then she uses FB to try and make their dad sound like the bad guy because he won't spend a ridiculous amount of money on them to go see her?

skylarksms's picture

Don't you just love the manipulations of these PEWs and their ways of playing the perpetual victim??

the_stepmonster's picture

Wow. If I was friends with her on FB I would have written "Why don't you make their visit to see you YOUR gift to them???" This is insane. I agree with PP who said that they are beyond old enough to understand what is going on. If they want to forgo their gifts let them. They will end up with a total of $300 bones. Lets see how far they get with that. I can't believe this is somehow you and your DH's fault. He needs to tell them their mother had ALL YEAR to save up for their flights. He needs to explain to them that he is more than willing to pay for the return flights since he planned and budgeted for that amount but that she needs to stick with her side of the agreement.

tigerlily's picture

DH is getting more texts now saying "you can be the hero in this situation". Oh spare me the drama - she pulls this kind of crap all the time. I shared with him some of your comments and suggestions. Of course, she blasted down the option of coming here to visit them for a variety of excuses (mainly that it cuts into 'her time with the kids and shortens it').

But the latest and I KNEW this was coming - she is now asking for SD17 money from savings. SD has earned that $$ from a part time job over the past year and is her ONLY savings for college.

DH said no, but he hasn't dealt with SD17 who I'm sure mom has convinced that this is a good idea. So there will be more drama. BM will never repay that money.

What kind of PARENT asks their 17 year old child, about ready to go live on their own and go to college to do something like that?

DH also learned, that BM only has $200 to put toward ANYTHING (flight or greyhound). So that means all along, she NEVER had enough to purchase two tickets. One ticket alone has never been under about $160, so she's known all along she couldn't get two tickets, but waits until late last week to bring it up or try and deal with the problem?

I'm so frustrated with all of this and am letting DH deal with it, but I'm just venting here and to get other perspectives. Thanks so much for the suggestions.

Delilah's picture

Tigerlily - I would sympathetic towards the an extent.

I agree its not their fault their BM is so irresponsible, lazy, uncaring, bitchy and a moocher BUT neither is it yours and tbh I think DH needs to put a stop to this attitude. I appreciate the skids are going to take it out on your guys to a degree, but in all honesty it comes to a point and I will not put up with attitude and the fact they have forgotten that you put yourself in debt last year so they could see their mom. That just smacks slightly of ungraciousness and rudeness.

I think they need reminding of this fact and a reality check - including telling them what you have listed on your blog regarding BM's actions i.e. moving, being responsible for paying, lack of working, lying, you guys bailing her out, her attitude towards you both when you have done so....I would be LIVID and make it clear that actually if they want to go on the greyhound then they can knock themselves out. Let them go and do this. Shit at least you wont have to see their sulking faces over xmas and thats the outcome of BM's laziness.

The thing is, you guys need to put a stop to this now because BM is going to pull the same stunt every frigging time. You cant change her, no matter how much you want to, and your skids needs to understand you are not responsible. If they continue to play the blame game, even after straight shooting with them (which I think they are old enough for and esp since they are behaving as they are imo) then they can carry on but you dont want to hear about it - if you do punishments will be put in place and if they want to sulk then they can go to their rooms.

Its time to change how you and DH manage this I think.

alwaysanxious's picture

Some people have absolutely no pride. I would never ask a man (either who rejected me or who I rejected) to give me money.