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Again, My Manifesto for N00bs That Came About from My Own Experience

thinkthrice's picture

and COUNTLESS others on this forum as well as elsewhere:   (it is written as SM dealing with biodad, his kids from a previously enjoyed BM but feel free to apply it to your situation, if different)

 

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them?  Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "you're the adult here" or  "my children don't like you?"  This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either.  He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

 

Comments

Created's picture

9 out of 12.... argh!!

 

But the thing is that she frames herself (and i partly believe) that She is a really good mum. That she just loves her son... so attentive, so patient with him etc... while instinctively i have alarm bells going off, anyone from the outside would just tell me I'm nuts to think she isn't a wonderful parent.....

thinkthrice's picture

The entire Girhippo community believe that the Girhippo is an

All American-Soccer Mom-Corn Fed-Girl Next Door-Church Going-Super Mom-Who Rose From The Ashes Of Divorce like a Phoenix  (TM)

 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

i love this, could have done with this years ago. 

Kes's picture

What an excellent list!  Not really applicable to me, since the SDs no longer darken my door on a regular basis, but in times gone by, I could have ticked quite a few of those on the list.  My DH had a massive debt left over from NPD BM's lavish spending and inability to budget, which did worry me, but he paid it off within 2 yrs of meeting me, and within 6 mths I had persuaded him to get rid of the joint bank a/c which he still held with NPD BM, despite the fact that they were separated!  

Thisisnotus's picture

wow. speechless. 10 out of 12 here. 1 and 2 do NOT apply and I can tell you right now that if they were included I would be getting a divorce. No way in HELL. But the ONLY....the ONLY reason that 1 and 2 don't apply to me is b/c these kids are 12 and 16.....if I meant DH 6 or so  years ago....you can bet your ass that 1 and 2 would be included for me.

 

strugglingSM's picture

When I met DH, 10 of these applied. Now, I think only #7 applies. It took a lot of effort on both of our parts, though and the effort continues...