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Trotting out "The List" for Some of the Newbies Who Have Recently Discovered This Forum

thinkthrice's picture

here it is; my collection of "common themes" that kept cropping up early in the relationship:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

Comments

Glassslipper's picture

Yes to #11, I found this forum because I couldn't figure out who the wife was in my home for the first 5 YEARS!
DH and I could talk and plan and make decisions and out household and family was great but then BM would try to call the shots in my home, and tell SD who was 5 how it was going to be in our home!
Sucked

notsobad's picture

Most of these are about how your man parents or doesn't. Pay attention because he's not going to change. This is how he thinks it's best to treat his children. If you open his eyes to how he's not helping his children grow into responsible adults don't expect him to change. The fact is he'll just get angry at you for pointing out his faults.

The one point I think is different is #12. Sometimes you just don't like certain kids. It could be because they are manipulative but it might just be that you don't like them.
I've been watching my nieces son and he's a good kid but I just don't like him. I love his mother to bits, we've always been close and I want to love her son but I just don't like him.
I'm nice to him and treat him well but I understand when the SMs on here say they can't stand their skids. Even the way he walks reminds me of his idiot father.

notasm3's picture

I've known the son of a friend of mine since he was 3 or 4 years old. He's now pushing 50. I have never liked him - but his mother never knew that. She is still talking about the special bond that he and I had because I went out of my way to be nice to him for her sake. Smile

notsobad's picture

Yup, exactly.
I love my niece and so I hope she never ever knows that I don't really like her son.
Luckily I don't have to see him EOW and it's easier to pretend.

I have hugh respect for the SMs who have to pretend on a regular basis.

Confused.com's picture

Very good list, I wish I'd read this at the start when I met OH. We had nearly all of these issues. Managed to fix 70% of them but it nearly broke us. Thank god for this site. I'll always be grateful for the day ( in desperation ) I Googled 'I hate my step kids'! It brought me to this brilliant site!

One question, what does #6 mean? They do get hyper at times, what's the meaning behind it?

thinkthrice's picture

#6 means ill behaved child not taught the proper impulse control iow self restraint. The stuff that USED to be taught to naturally selfish toddlers by the parents.

still learning's picture

Does your man have a 30 yr old unemployed, pothead, adult son living in the basement?

thinkthrice's picture

Would have had I not come along. I had to deal with all 12 and then some. Chef was wracked with GUILT. In the early years when I would post here, the other posters crowned him Guilty Dad of the CENTURY.

Combined with MOTY Church lady perma victim PASinator adult toddler BM it was HELL on wheels.

I have no doubt that YSS will wind up living in the Gir's basement well into his 30s if he isnt in prison.

BTW OSS got thrown out of his druggie second cousin's BM's house for:

drumroll please

Chooming too much pot at her house. And shes a druggie herself!

hereiam's picture

BM was, actually, our biggest issue. It didn't come between us, though, just caused a lot of stress. Luckily, we are done with her.

oneoffour's picture

I would add a #13: Has minimal involvement in his chid/rens schooling be it homework or Parent Teacher Conferences. Does not have desires or dreams or plans for his child/ren after high school. Namely graduating HS is an option.

SourGrapes's picture

At the start, 6 of those 12 things were true for us. Now we are down to 2, which are SD lays all over SO whenever she gets the chance, and that she's always asking us to do things for her that she really can do for herself. Annoying, yes. Hopefully she'll outgrow them with time. *fingers crossed*

Considering Cohabitation's picture

Saying to run if even one of these items is true seems a bit excessive to me. When I met my DH, I was dealing with three of the items on this list. We are down to one now (laying down with her when she goes to sleep) although it's a work in progress and only happens about 1/2 the time by now. I think it may be unrealistic to expect NONE of these issues. Luckily some are more easily overcome than others.