Aaaaaaand she’s back
BM crawled out of her hole to ask DH for photos of SD that she can use for “the party”. DH posted them off, received thanks, end of communication. It would be great if it really ends with that but sooner or later I know BM will resurface again with more passive aggressive crazy, then act like DH is being unreasonable if he ignores a reasonable request straight after. Just to refresh, the last contact from BM can be summed up as “how much money do you want to give me so SD can have the special birthday that she deserves, no way are you to show up and by the way fk you”. Is it ok then to expect your ex to send you copies of the photos he took if you asked nicely? Those photos are the only memories he has of the daughter that no longer exists thanks to her.
I’ve asked DH to tell SD next time he sees her that if any requests come from BM in the future they’ll just be denied no matter how reasonable. If it comes from SD then they’ll be at least considered. Also told him to make it clear that the reason behind it is due to BM’s behaviour. DH has never said a single negative thing about BM to SD and while I agree that’s the correct thing to do when the child is a minor, the truth needs to come out when they’re adults. Teeny tiny steps for DH but he needs to remove the gatekeeper. I wish I was more forceful and stood my ground years ago.
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If family want old photos of
If family want old photos of my kids I print them from my phone and keep the original. Or attach a picture to an e mail or something and give them the responsibility to print them (sorry I don’t know if I got the correct interpretation of your comment).
I am very sorry you have a rude bio mum to deal with though.
They're digital files. Pre
They're digital files. Pre smartphone era he was the one that always carried a camera. She never bothered. Now she realises that she doesn't have the photos for SD's slide reel. How funny would it have been if DH filtered through them all and only sent the ones where he and SD were in it.
DH should have ignored her
DH should have ignored her request and any others that come from her. Asking for pictures was not a "reasonable" request, it was just more fun for BM - rubbing DH's nose in the fact that he's not invited to the party.
He really should've. But then
He really should've. But then he'll feel super guilty that in some small way he's wrecking the party and SD will hold it against him. Usual guilt bullshit. At least if he tells SD upfront next time then SD will have fair warning that no more of BM will be tolerated. She's never been told that before. Just sits back while her mum does the heavy lifting then collects the rewards.
Yeah, he's gotta let that go.
Yeah, he's gotta let that go. SD doesn't give two hoots if there are pictures of her at her birthday party - and BM knows he will feel guilty, so he's just playing her game with her.
He can also reply: "If SD wants pictures from me, have her give me a call." And then IGNORE. He has to find his spine with an ex like this.
Similar situation
Very similar situation here. BM will send DH a big long tirade about something and then a few days later ask him for a favor. If he says no, she sends him a long rant about how he never does anything for her and she always "accomodates" him.
My favorite was when DH had to miss a weekend because he had been admitted to the hospital unexpectedly. BM then tried to turn it around and say he owed her and needed to take a week off of work, so he could drive SSs to school while she and her DH went on vacation. He told her that he couldn't do that and pay child support, so unless she wanted to give up her child support for that month, there was no way he could help her. Of course, she didn't want to give up her child support, so she just told him how he was a terrible person because she "accommodated" him while he was hospitalized. She demanded he pay her $1100 for that weekend due to supposed missed plans (which she didn't have and he didn't even reply to that email) and then after all that, both Skids went to stay with their friends for the weekend, so they didn't even stay with BM.
She's been quiet now, but she's moved to having SSs demand things from DH. For example, this weekend, one asked if DH was going to pay for him to go to college. The kids aren't even in high school yet and *spoiler alert* this kid is not going to college.
Whenever she's quiet, I always wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and she's going to send him another multi-page email raging at how she has to do everything and DH does nothing...how DH is a terrible, neglectful father...and on and on and on. Punctuated by pleading emails that DH be her friend...not sure what planet she lives on, but if someone regularly told me I was a terrible person, I wouldn't be rushing to be their friend.
The raging followed by
The raging followed by pleading to be friends sounds like BM from the early days. Once after a rage she sent an email asking DH "what must I say/do to save our relationship?". Seriously? We weren't married at that point but he had clearly moved on and how do you answer with "act like a sane person" in a way that won't result in another meltdown?!
Why isn't BM blocked?
Why isn't BM blocked?
Because my DH in his
Because my DH in his foolishness believed that if he continued to "do the right thing" by BM eventually he would be "worthy" to be allowed back in SD's life. And it took years for him to accept that it's an unrealistic and unhealthy dynamic. I'm glad I've found StepTalk but I wish I had stumbled across this site years earlier. This site gave me the tools to fight and break free from living with that toxicity. We're close to the end of the BM saga and while she's not completely gone yet I can finally see the end in sight.
Glad it's almost over for you
Glad it's almost over for you!