My SD is 13 and has a personality disorder. She is manipulative and demonstrates conditional love for both her BM and for me. As long as we don't expect anything of her then we're fine, the minute she's corrected she hates us.

Four years ago she asked wanted me to be her mom, because BM also has a personality disorder and is totally cold to her or angry toward her. I stepped up, all the while encouraging a positive relationship for her with BM. BM tore me down and trashed my existence to SD, going as far now as to convince her that DH is controlled by me. The only good thing is that SD is hanging on to loving him even if she's mad at him. SD blames me for all of her insecurities and unhappiness in life. Last week, when DH decided she could not stay at her friend's house (who's SF is a registered sex offender) and took her to BM's (where she was supposed to be anyway) SD went to her room and destroyed several gifts I had given her (smashed a glass unicorn and jewelry box) as well as tore me out of the wallet wedding pic of DH and myself (left him in it) and tore up every wallet pic containing with SD and me together. She didn't tear up the ones with me and Anna, or a family pic, but did tear up our family wedding portrait (these were all SD's copies.)

This was on the heels of confiding in me last month that she was cutting herself to relieve stress because she trusted me to tell over BM or DH. Then she told BM (because we told her she had to due to SD saying she only cut herself at BM's house) and told a gloating BM that I'm the reason she cuts herself because she hates me.

She told DH last weekend when he wouldn't let her stay at her friends that "You've CHANGED since meeting HER. Even Mom thinks so."

BM refers to me as "Her" too.

I cannot stand living in a home with a person (we have full custody of SD) who seethes anger and hatred toward me. If anyone has changed it's me, I'm now 30 pounds over weight, my face is constantly broken out, and I am absolutely miserable with little joy past 3 o'clock every day when she gets out of school. The last time I had such a dysfunctional relationship all I had to do was leave my marriage (note sarcastic making light of situation.)

Now what do I do?

I understand your feelings. I love a SD who hates me now almost as much as BM does. Who threw away gifts I put a lot of thought into, who tore up my image over and over again. I feel ill now, because it's 2:29 and SD will be home at 3:15. It has affected my sons (though since I threw in the towel on SD's ungrateful self-centered treatment of me, my sons are much happier.)

So...no advice. I love my DH so much. I can't stand the thought of leaving. It breaks my heart. But it does enter my mind sometimes as the only way to preserve my own sanity.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Please tell your DH that. If he will not stand up to a 16 year old, there is no way your marriage can survive! It is his duty to teach her she does not rule the universe and has no place in his adult relationships, especially his marriage! She will survive being told this and having it be in effect.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

He needs to decide what he is going to do. I am sure you love him but what the h*ll is he thinking. Its like you went back to dating, after being married?

By the way, my SD16 hates me too, but she lives with her mom and we are not speaking at the moment which is very painful, or either a relief, I can't decide.

When you can, maybe give us more info on what you want out of this, what DH says, do you see him and 'date', etc. I am hoping he is not too happy with this arrangement, if he is maybe you should make it where it is not too convenient for him to have it all, you know, a spouse that lives in a different house? that is just a dream to many, ha ha, I know that is not funny, just want you to have a laugh maybe.

Why should your share your money when you are spending almost twice as much? not to be too personal, you don't have to answer these specific things, just more of how in the world he justifies this and what you will do if he cannot resolve this somehow? Just something to think about, just in case, you know? I really hope he gives this up soon, it is 'just CRAZY' and not doing right by you!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

I'll just give you an overview. Dh and I married January 05. By the holidays 05 DH started telling me he was "uncomfortable". I could not figure out what was going on. His discomfort made me uncomfortable in my own home. On Valentines Day I was so stressed and he was so depressed I mentioned to him I would go away for a couple of days to let us think. I had been gone two hours and got an awful sinking feeling. I returned home to find he had completely moved out! I called his cell to ask him what the hell was going on and he answered "isn't that what you wanted?" Come to find out he had taken everything to his exes house. I drove out there and spoke to him. Days later he returned stating that he needed to come back home. I was an emotional wreck. Then two more times over the next year he moved in and out, the last time getting his own place. All the while there was not much communication from my DH about exactly what was happening. I knew a few details but not many. He was jerking me and my kids around.

Come to find out, he was feeling guilty about his kids. SS was getting in trouble(drugs and alcohol in the home)a lot at his BM's. BM had no discipline did not correct him. She has a lot of problems too IMO. My DH thought if he could have his thumb on his kids he could fix everything. Well, the whole thing backfired on DH. His son was an adult and DH soon found his son did not want to spend that much time with him. If DH was at the exes, SS would leave and go with his friends.

Cut to the chase, I gave him an ultimatum. Me or your kids and ex. I was sick of this situation as it had gone on for more than a year. I even went out and spoke to all of them as a group - DH was already there. I think they were a little shocked, they were not expecting me. Yes, the skids and ex had their problems, but what I heard after speaking to them all was that they did not really want his interference. I let them know exactly how ridiculous I thought the whole situation was and that I was not used to that kind of drama. I told his ex we do not live in a polygamist society and I did not approve of this BS. I knew nothing was going on with his ex but it made me sick. So I decided then and there he could stay there with them. I left. A few minutes later he was back home begging me to let him stay. He had his arms full of clothes and was on his hands and knees apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I told him the ONLY way was that he would immediately call to get counseling and he would go on meds for his guilt and OCD(whole other story). He did both. A little over a year later he is doing well and realizes where he belongs. He is still on the meds (very low dose)which help greatly. He doesn't freak out anymore when a situation arises and realizes his kids are grown and have their own lives. BM is hardly ever a problem.

If I were you, I would demand he get counseling or give him an ultimatum. That is no way for you to have to live!!

Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."