You are here

Having Two Moms is way to hard for me..

bonusmom929's picture

So both of us grew us in split homes and well we both turned out great and successful. One thing my mom always told us was you will never use that divorce as a crutch it didn't hurt you it helped you. As I've seen kids use it as a crutch their whole lives and well they don't seem to turn out so well. . So to make a long story short.. My SD has lived with us full time 295 days a year in FL, she sees her mom when it fits in her life with her new man (home wrecker) and his kids. Which is about one weekend a month for about 30 hours MAX and she always brings her back early. I have always been treated as a mom by my SD and been respected as an adult. I have been told by family and even her family Ive done more for that child than her mother ever has and ever will. Now we announced we are getting married and the SD LOVED IT she was thrilled bonus mom this, I am so happy to have you blah blah.. She went to stay with her Mother who post and post of how wonderful of a mother she is and she is her ONLY mom crap filled little babes head. Now SD is home and is extremely disrespectful, doesn't want anything to do with me, won't get our nails done like we used to, and is only concerned about herself and keeping her dad away from me.. with the constant Its too hard for me to have two moms...

We have tried talking to her.. We have tried EVERYTHING it seems like that we can without crossing the line of bad mouthing. WHAT CAN WE DOOOOO?

mommadukes2015's picture

Ride it out, give her her space, let her know that its okay she's sorting through this right noe and just wait. BM will shoot herself in the foot.

Sometimes the best response to stuff like this is no response at all. Your SD will see BM's true colors in time.

Aniki's picture

Keep being yourself. If SD doesn't want to go with you to get her nails done, go alone. If she doesn't want to hang out with you, do your own thing.

BM is probably playing the I'M THE MOM card and guilting SD about treating you like/calling you Mom. It doesn't matter to BM that you have been awesome to her daughter... likely, BM is jealous that you're marrying her exh and has ramped up her crazy.

Like mommadukes said, give her space and ride it out. Don't change who YOU are. Show SD that you are stable and consistent and still there for her. Smile

Java_Junkie's picture

Just my opinion from the Tough Love Dad:

Tell her, "I'm sorry you feel this way, though I am not sure what I can say at this point. I hope that one day, you'll remember the times we've shared and how well we've gotten along, and that you'll want to come back to that. Until then, I see you need some space and an opportunity to do some other things - and there's no way I'd want you to feel the regrets if you didn't get to do those things."
...and give her space and encouragement - but no mani/pedi days, etc. "Oh, that's wonderful your mom took you to Disneyland!" or "Wow, that meal at Ruth's Chris must have been AWESOME!" Biomom will likely lose steam and things will "get real" - and SD will come back to Earth. Might take a while, but reality is gravity for our emotions, and it keeps us well-grounded (or at least respectful of the consequences of taking to fake wings like Icarus).

BethAnne's picture

I would tell sd that she does not have two moms and that she has one mom and one step mom and that is ok. The roles and relationships are different and that is ok. You are there to support Dad and his parenting and really enjoy that you and sd get on so well. I would tell her that sometimes it is hard (even for adults) to have to share people and things that they love very much but that is their problem to deal with. Then explain that love though is expansive and does not have to be shared. As you see it sd does not have to share her love between you two or pick a side because there is always more love and she has extra love in her life because she has a stepmom as well as a biomom.

I might also get your husband to have a word with his ex about putting undue pressure onto their daughter and try to explain to bm that having more people in sd life who love her and care about her is a good thing not a bad thing. Let him reassure her that she is and always will be sds mom and no one can take that away from her.

bonusmom929's picture

Ex is one of those people who you just can't fix stupid. He has tried talking to her she told SD that "things were going to change and she isn't going to like it" than threaten us to take custody.. But told SD first .. Its all a game and for once she isn't winning and hates it so is bringing the daughter into it .

I think I am going to take advice and just step back we have a big SD/ SM trip planned to NYC and Im not taking her because of her acts. Ill support her and take care of her but nothing extra hopefully she will realize soon.. breaks my heart..

Ispofacto's picture

I was going to tell you to get the book "I Don't Want To Choose" by Amy Baker, but it is no longer in print. Wtf.

Love is a zero sum game to people with mental problems. BM thinks if SD loves you there won't be enough love for her. Tell SD that there is always enough love for everyone, and she doesn't have to feel guilty about loving anyone. Tell her love is a game where everyone wins.

Rags's picture

Quit talking to this PASed out kid and start dictating t her. Kids don't get a say. They do what they are told. Period.

So, you and your FDH set the standards of behavior for your home and enforce those standards with age appropriate consequences for all kids in the home.

SD does what she is told when she is told or she suffers the consequences of her choices.

Pretty simple.