Not sure how to continue with relationship
I am new here and hoping to get some advice. DH (60 yrs old) & I have been married for 3-1/2 years now. His son was 22 when we met, still living at home, no job, no responsbilities, no life. Doesn't drive, didn't go to college, didn't get his first job until 26 and thats a part time job hanging clothes up at a store. He claims he's got anxiety, depression, etc... He litteraly lives in his room, he eats in there, sleeps all day, except when he has to go to work, and then comes out 10 minutes before he's due in to shower and get a ride from my DH or his mom, since he still doens't drive at 27 years old. He has even URINATED in bottles in his room and hide the bottles because he's too lazy to come out to use the bathroom. He doesn't clean anything and has to always be told to do his wash, clean his room and not keep food and dishes in there. He has no respect for me or his father.
When I moved in 4 years ago, I laid down my rules for no eating in the bedroom, no leaving dishes in there, keeping room cleaned, come sit at the table to eat, clean up after yourself. All of this has pretty much been ignored. I've argued with DH over this for 4 years now. DH says that his kid has gotten better. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best), he's still at a 3. He comes out of room only to get food and that's usually when I have left the house. He's afraid of me. No one is allowed in his room. His father talks to him through the bedroom door, or when they are driving home from work, which is a 3 minute drive.
I absolutly dislike this kid with all of my being! I can not stand living in the same house with him any longer. I've told my DS this, told him he needs to move out to his own place and they will have a better relationship between them. SS mother is a piece of crap, and doesn't do anything to help out, she doesn't even have her own place to live, so that's out of question.
DH knows that I am at my wits end and when I try to bring it up to see where he's at with moving out, DH gets mad at me. I've suggested for his kid to move into a place that isn't too expensive, and DH can help out for a few months, until kid gets a better job. Maybe that will be incentive for kid. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate coming home, I hate being in this house with kid, I am so frustrated and depressed over this. I want to just leave, but I don't want to end my marriage. We are good together, he just sucks as a parent.
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Nothing about this is normal.
Nothing about this is normal. Has the manbaby been evaluated for physical and mental health issues? What is his Dad doing to HELP this poor man? Or is he going to live like this forever, and what happens when your DH can no longer take care of him?
Having Manbaby evaluated by medical professionals would be my first stop. If your DH won't even do THAT, then you can be sure nothing will change. The parents have given up on their child. And it's so sad.
You can't fix it, but you can draw boundaries around your own life.
I agree, nothing is normal
I agree, nothing is normal and I've told husband this. He has been evaluated by medicare doctors and is supposed to take medicine for his depression/anxiety, but he doesn't take it all the time. Yes, I have to draw boundries at this point, because I am tired of living this way. thank you for listening!
I'm not a medical
I'm not a medical professional, but I would be worried that this goes beyond depression, anxiety, bad habits, and laziness. One of my boundaries would be that DH accompany SS to a psychiatrist for evaluation.
There is quirky "not normal" and there is seriously disturbed "not normal." I fear your SS falls into the latter category.
"DH, I continue to be seriously concerned about SS. Nothing you've tried to do to help him has had an effect, and I worry that nothing will ever change. I really need for you to take more forceful steps, and that includes a psychological evaluation. If you won't do that, then I won't live here. This is just beyond my capacity to handle and I won't spend my years living like this."
I would lose my sanity being
I would lose my sanity being in that situation. You need to talk to your DH about this no matter what, this poor guy need help asap, his behavior is not normal and I can't believe his parents are ignoring that. This situation will not change if your DH doesn't do anything about it, and is not your responsability to take control over this, draw your line. For the other hand I think your DH is being selfish with you exposing you to this umconfortable situation, I know is his son but he needs to open his eyes otherwise this guy will be 40 and living with you in the same situation.
If this is your hill to die
If this is your hill to die on (and it would be mine, for sure), you can let your husband know that you're not willing to live with his son, and either the son leaves or you do. And then follow through if the son is not gone within the month.
I would insist with DH his
I would insist with DH his son go for counseling. Nothing about this is normal. Who is going to take care of SS if something happens to DH.
He needs to get his kid to launch.
You're not good together if
You're not good together if your DH's response to a legitimate complaint about a messy, gross, freeloading roommate is to get mad at YOU. That tells you that your comfort isn't a priority to him, and his son's comfort (as well as his own) trump yours.
Move out. You've tried talking reasonably. You've offered other solutions. Your DH dismisses them with anger. That's not a good partner, and this isn't a good marriage. A marriage is only as good as its worst moments, and your worst moments are met with anger and disrespect.
Sad for your SS that your DH
Sad for your SS that your DH won't do anything to push him to address his mental health issues and become a functional adult.
Peeing in bottles isn't about laziness, it's about significant mental health issues, possibly psychosis. As is the hiding in his room, refusing to let anyone in, and being afraid of you.
Your DH is "loving" his son to death. SS is most likely at high risk of suicide. I couldn't stay and watch him neglect his son under the guise of love.
Your husband and his wife
Your husband and his wife have failed thier child. Why on earth has he allowed his kid to go so long without the help and consistent guidelines the "man" needs to develop into an independent adult?
This is borderline neglect to allow his child to live like this. And.. NO.. there is no amount of you laying down rules that will work. His father needs to WANT the changes.. needs to WANT better for his son. But, he seems content to allow him to just rot away in his room.
Maybe SS needs to change doctors? Maybe he needs to be enrolled in some courses to help with his self sufficiency? I would be point blank asking my husband what he thinks his son's life is goint to look like in 5, 10, 20 years. How will he manage when dad and mom are gone.
At this point, it's clear that your husband has no interest in a change.. so the only option you may have is to make a change for yourself and leave this situation.
I don't think there is any
I don't think there is any coming back from your SS's behavior. I am kind of curious if he has been evaluated for any disabilities. Could he have Autism? The behavior you are describing could easily be my SS if DH and I weren't on him like white on rice. It is no excuse for his behavior, under any circumstances, but there might be help for you if he does have something.
You have put up with this much longer than I would. I would lay it out for your DH if I was in your shoes. SS has 30 days to get out of the house. Period. If he does not vacate, you will.