I understand your moms point of view but really,12 years,it's time to let it go and put the big girl panties on.you sound more mature about the situation than your mom does that's for sure.it's so nice you have a good relationship with your sm.maybe before the shower the two of you can have a day together like a mini-shower?
i hate to say this but shame on your mom for making things so much harder than they have to be.i could understand this behavior if the wounds were still fresh but 12 years is a long time.even if she's still hurt,she needs to learn the value of being a bigger person so she can show everyone what a classy woman she can be.

SteppingUp - just put yourself in your SM's shoes - oh wait you are - now I am not trying to be mean here but we all here complain post after post about how we are treated as second class citizens and how no one acknowledges us but then when we have a chance to step up to the plate we don't.

Cheating is horrible and yes it hurts the hell out of the person it happened to - but obviously your SM is making your father happy and I have a feeling that before this woman came along your parent's marriage was not that great.

Now if it was me - I would tell my mother that SM is coming - that her remark about SM knowing her place was an insult to you and ask her if she thinks you should also know your place. I would also tell my mother that if any of her friends go up to your SM during the Baby shower and utter even one word that you will go postal and you can get away with that because you are pregnant and the hormones are flowing.

When you look back on the pictures from this day with your child and you know that SM will still be a big part of your life what are you going to tell your child - that their Grandma did not come to the party because as other Grandma says "good thing she knows her place" What example will that be to your child. This vicious and nasty cycle has to stop and you should be the one to stop it - it has been 12 years - your father is not going to leave your SM and your mother needs to quite frankly get the hell over herself. Time to grow up she is about to become a Grandma - how can you blend your families if you are not willing to let your SM come. You really like her and there is nothing wrong with that - nothing at all - invite her promise her that nothing will be said to her - you guarantee it and tell mommy that if she can't behave then she can leave. This is about you not your mother - your mother needs to start realizing that the world does not revolve around her and that the Baby shower is for the actual person having the baby.

Sorry I am not trying to be harsh I just don't know when the cycle stops when the BS stops - you can stop it though if you want - just be strong and if not for you then for your child - because I guarantee if you let this go and slight your SM - your mother will make sure that your child never sees her as more than your SM and as you know more than anyone of your family or friends how important a SM can be - hope this helps and am praying for you!

I have the exact same scenario. Dad has been remarried 15 years. Mom has never even dated. My SM is a nice lady. She doesn't go to any of the family functions. My mom would flip out. Now my Dad also doesn't go because he resents my mom for how she PAS'd my sisters.

My opinion here is leave well enough alone. Your SM understands the dynamics of the situation, you should to.

It does suck though that everyone can't be grown ups.

I have the same situation in my future. My Son's Eagle ceremony. Everyone will be invited and I swear my mom and my sisters, better learn to deal with my SM coming. I will not put up with the animosity. He is everyone's grandchild...

i was just thinking about this,when is this thing of treating sm like she's an evil troll hiding under the stairs going to end??
so because mom can't grow the heck up and move on, that means sm won't be able to attend the birth of the baby either?she won't be able to attend anything for the baby if mom is going to be there?!that is SO WRONG!!
I vote for rocking the boat and putting mom in HER place.part of being a mother is putting your personal issues aside to let your children shine in their big life moments with ALL the people who love them present to see them celebrate.

I agree with the others who said that you should have your SM with you if she is a part of your life.

Cheating hurts.

My mother went through the same thing as yours, and they were married for 27 years! My SM makes my father happy and frankly, I do NOT like my SM but that is for other reasons having to do with HER and I, not my parents.

My mother is strong enough and mature enough to let go. She knows my father is happier with my SM which is proof of how much my mother really loved him. She also knows that she and my father lasted as long as they did only because they were both stubborn.

Bottom line: do what makes YOU happy and relate that to SM and your mother. If they truly love you, they SHOULD understand.

Dear Mom,

I love you so much and am so happy you are coming to my baby shower. I know you are very hurt for how your marriage ended and still have trouble accepting SM. Over the past twelve years I have gotten to know SM and I am able to move past the divorce and realize how happy she makes dad and that makes me happy. I’m sorry if this makes you sad. I am really excited for my baby shower and would like to have all the people who are in my life and are going to be in my child’s life present. I know you would prefer that SM is not there but she is involved in my life now and I would like her there. With this new baby there are going to be many events that I would like you and dad both at (baptism, birthday parties, school functions) and I would never expect SM not to come with dad to these events. I do not want to have to pick between you and dad and I don’t think I should have to. Please do not put me in the middle. I have personally asked SM to come to my baby shower. It is a very special day for me and I want you both there. Everyone knows you are my mom and I am really looking forward to sharing the day with you. I am writing to ask that you please understand that I am not picking her over you as it is not a choice who is my mom. I am also asking you (and any of your friends) to please be polite and civil to SM because any outbursts or drama will only ruin the shower for me. I would never ask you to be friends with SM but going forward I do not want my baby to have to miss time with Grandma or Grandpa because you are upset if SM is there. You are a wonderful person and I know you can do this and it would mean so much to me.

Love,
SteppingUp

My father left my mother for her friend from work. They were the kind of co-workers who'd barbecue together on the weekends, one big happy family - until my dad moved out, and next thing we know he's living with mom's friend "Barb." That lasted about 5 years and they were engaged but never married. They split, and my dad bought a house near all us 4 kids. We were happy he was nearby, helping him decorate for his first Christmas in his new place. Then suddenly he announced he was getting married, and we'd never guess who he was marrying. It wasn't "Barb" - it was "Carol" - another friend of the family, from earlier on. Carol and her husband and family went to church with my family each week, and we often had Sunday dinner together. The two families were quite close until Carol and her family moved away and dropped out of sight. We had visited them once, and stayed with them in their house, and then they just kind of mysteriously disappeared. Until my father's announcement.

You can imagine my mother's reaction. Her ex finally breaks with her coworker, then marries another of her past close friends, who surfaces from nowhere.

It's been almost 30 years since my parents split up. They had been married 17 years. My dad and stepmother have been married 20 years. My mother has been with her boyfriend (they don't want to marry) for over 25 years.

They still hate each other's guts.

But they BEHAVE at milestone events. Because that's what adults do.

Stand up for your SM. Be as kind as you can with your mother, but what she's doing is selfish and wrong.

My mom isn't the "bigger person" in my own family history. Both my parents take the occasional jab at one another and look down on each other. But they behave for the sake of their kids and grandkids. We're sensitive to it and don't force them together.

Your mom needs to learn how to let go and focus on the future.

L

I just attended a baby shower and it was a beautiful, loving event. There was no drama even though I personally have not so great feelings towards several who attended.

I think your mom is just wanting to control every future situation and play the victim (sorry if harsh), and it would be a loving move on your part to say, Mom, come on. I am inviting SM and if you or any of your friends are rude to her, you will be asked to leave and excused from any future events.

I think kissing your mom's *ss on this will only allow it to continue. It is strange we had the same message for BM, when she was still bitching 12 years after their divorce.!!

We had the same situation at our wedding.

Dh parents were divorced for 25 years , dh mother didn't want his stepmom to come. Dh father had an affair and then left his wife. When we got married, dh mother was remarried for 20+ years and had 3 more adult children. Yet she couldn't let it go. Dh really wanted his Sm to be at our wedding, but she also said it won't be a problem she would stay at home. Dh tried to talk to his mother, tried to explain to her,that it wasn't about her or his stepmother, but his mother didn't care. I think it was the most selfish thing she ever did. She made a really big deal about it, called everybody and we got phone call's from people about it for a long time, in the end we said ,we are not going to have a wedding, we are just going to get married at the courthouse, at this point we really didn't care anymore, we just wanted to get married, we didn't invite anybody since his family made a big deal about it and they didn't want to come (in solidarity for his mother) ,I decided it wouldn't be fair to only have my family there, so we really just had our 2 friends there to sign the documents. Now his mother feels really stupid about it and she apologised for it, but I will never forget it.

Now we are planning a big reception, but I want to wait a little longer and save up more money to really do it big lol.

But I can tell you it was so stress full, I am happy we didn't had a big wedding, it would have been tainted, you know.

Try to talk to your mother again, tell her that this day is not about her , it is about you, and that you really want your sm to be there and it isn't right for her to make you choose between her and your sm.

First off, your mom is making something that should be all about you all about her. Your SM isn't.

Secondly, I'm sure your mom is a nice person, but do you have any idea why your dad left her? Put the other woman aside for a second, and ask her why your dad, who was, to use an analogy, well fed at home, was eating at the buffet. Your dad was wrong for having an affair. I can guarantee your mom was not blameless in the failure of their marriage, though, and it's pretty convenient to have somebody else to blame, but at some point your mom is going to need to accept her own responsibility.

At the risk of completely disagreeing, Is it wrong for a wife and mom to hold a grudge against the woman who had an affair with her husband who eventually married her?

I haven't read the back story here- nor do I know how many "other women" or "cheated on women" are on here- but to me it isn't unreasonable that a person who gave herself to another person would be forever devastated that her "partner" cheated and then moved in with and married some other woman. I would, as a daughter, be horrified and I don't think I'd ever get over it. Had my father made this choice (barring extenuating circumstances) I'd really forever bar his new partner from any event my mother was invited to- no matter what.

I am a stepmother and I took this role on with a man who split from his wife before I was a blip on the screen. If I had anything to do with their separation and/or divorce, I would NOT be inserting myself into my stepkids lives no matter how much they love/d me. I wouldn't have made that choice. As a cheating person (and I include your father here) they would not be allowed at my baby shower.

It is YOUR day, not your mother's.

You need to ask her to be a big girl FOR YOUR SAKE for the day. If she can't, then tell her she is not welcome.