Wow, what a hot topic this turned out to be. I just decided to start a new post in response to the 54 comments. If you need to be reminded of anything:
My Stepmom isn't coming to my baby shower...and I want her to. What to do?

Before I add on, I’d like to say that besides a few minor incidents of disagreement this is honestly the BEST advice I’ve ever received on this forum.

I heard both sides. You all explained yourselves so well in what you were trying to get across. I truly, truly, truly appreciate ALL of the advice – especially because I am completely in the middle of the situation and honestly do see both sides. However, because some of you don't know the WHOLE story some things got misconstrued.

The one piece that I do not agree with was that I was being disrespectful to my mother. If I were truly not respecting my mother’s feelings at all I never would have posted the blog to begin with. But there are years of history here and I in fact am VERY close to my mom. We talk every day. I share everything with her and she talks to me about her feelings about my dad and SM and anything else that comes up. If there is ONE person who she can hear the good AND the bad from, it is ME. And she has said so herself. She has thanked me in the past for being “incredibly harsh” with her.

I’d like to also clarify that in being incredibly harsh with her, part of that was telling her how much faith that both me and my sister have that she CAN AND WILL find someone that will make her happy, but that she needs to get out and do things to meet people. She loves to sing – join the church chorus, then! She loves to read – join a book club then! She loves animals – volunteer!! I've also flat out asked her why she would WANT to be with my dad still...that they never did anything together, that he likes to drink and be social and she doesn't, that he cheated on her (more than once)...why would she sign up for more years of hurt? *Sigh* I told her that the two people who know her relationship with my dad from a first-hand experience is me and my sister. And if WE are so open to the changes and can see that they weren’t “perfect” for each other, there has got to be something bigger and better out there for her.

I want to add a little more background about my mom. My mom has been in counseling for years. She has never been diagnosed with anything further than depression, however she’s a mixed bag of other issues. She lives in delusion. She is deluded about how people perceive her (she won’t even go up for communion at church for fear that people are looking at her and criticizing her), she often says things that are inappropriate or make people uncomfortable (playfully teasing my cousin about not having kids when she knows that my cousin has been trying for years). She is complicated in a way that is unexplainable – because she would never intentionally hurt ANYONE. She always means the best. And in a public place, she would absolutely NEVER say anything to my SM. She would NEVER cause a scene. And neither would my SM. They are both honestly very docile and overly polite.

My mom grew up in an alcoholic family and it affected her deeply. However, she references this history in her life all the time and I’ve come to learn that she plays the victim with it. (Please don’t attack me for saying that, I would never even say that out loud to her, I am only voicing it here because it is something I recognize as unhealthy and that I’ve always just lived with). She continues to use this affair as her method of playing the victim and her excuse to not move on with her life and do things that she enjoys. She says things like, "If your dad never left me, I'd still be working at the OB and enjoy my job and have more money..." (She has had a hard time with jobs over the past 8 years and has moved towns 5 times and changes apartments at least once a year).

Beyond all of that complexity, my mother is an extremely simple woman. If she could find a guy who loved her “enough”, had a truck and a mustache, and who doesn’t drink, she’d find her ideal mate. I’m not kidding, these are her delusions of what her “perfect” man would be. Mind you, the only thing on that list that my dad has is the truck.

Although my parents were married for 21 years, I look back and can’t remember a single moment or memory of love between them. It wasn't a "bad" relationship. It just merely existed. My dad likes to have a drink at night, likes to go out and be social. I found out since my adulthood that my dad cheated on my mom a few times, and every time they went to counseling afterwards. Each time they went to counseling it was determined that my mom needed more individual counseling to deal with her issues of coming from an alcoholic family. My dad quit drinking for 11 years for my mom, although both my sister and I are not sure he was an "alcoholic" -- we now realize that my mom thinks that if you have more than one drink in a sitting you are an alcoholic. Shortly after he started to drink again is when he met my SM. My parents separated for almost a year before it came out that he was with someone else.

So maybe I’m being selfish here, but this is what I want and feel is realistic to expect out of this whole situation:

1. That my mom can let go of the control this has over her. I know she will always look at SM as the “other woman” or the “homewrecker” and they will never be friends. But with a grandchild coming into the picture, things need to lighten up for his sake. Also, I live 8+ hours away from all of them and it would be so nice not to have to separate EVERYTHING that we do when we can come to visit. In the future there may be times where we will need to all be in the same place (ahem, my son’s birth, AND my wedding next fall, my son’s birthdays/holidays/events) that I wish it wouldn’t have to be such a build-up of all of this emotion before the event.

2. That others in my mom's family/friends circle would move on and realize that SM is a part of MY life now and not the sole “cause” of the divorce anyway.

3. That my SM would not have to worry about being attacked by the friends/family of my mom.

4. That my mom and SM could attend a function with over 50 people there for 3 hours, in order to celebrate something that they now both share (my son).

My resolution: I'm just going to see how the weekend plays out. I wouldn't mind letting my mom know that it is hurtful to me that someone in her life would not realize that SM is part of my life (and my son's) now. If nothing else, I want my mom to see that in some families it is totally normal for the SM and BM to be in the same place. I would like to talk to her about opening up a new chapter in our family's life (my son is the first grandchild) and that I wish everyone would be able to move forward and do what's best.
I also plan to thank my SM for being so understanding and to let her know that I would never want anyone to say anything rude to her again.

Thank you all for the advice, second opinions, alternate ideas, and sharing your own stories. *Hugs to all of you!*

I will surely be writing a blog come Monday to let you all know how it went!