Detaching - Email contact?
I am trying very hard to detach from my 46 year-old SD. She is an alcoholic, currently not drinking, but not in recovery either. To say that she is toxic is an understatement, and if I'm feeling more kindly, I'd simply say that she is mentally unwell. After our most recent blow-up, she has sent a number of vile, disgusting rants via Email. We're talking really vile .. and I'm not a nun! My husband and I share Email, and so of course, I read them. If I was better at detaching, I wouldn't, but I'm struggling there. How truly, do you detach/disengage, particularly in the age of Email? I would block her from our Email address, but DH says "just don't read them". She would never pick up the phone and say these things since we wouldn't listen, but Email gives her a format for her hate. Her father is extremely passive, and after being a part of this dysfunctional family for fourteen years, none of this is a surprise. Still ... I cannot sit down at my computer each morning and wonder what will be coming next from her. This girl (she is hardly an adult) has come close to ruining my marriage and this has to stop. I know that detachment is more mental/emotional than anything else, but the Email thing has me stumped. Please share your thoughts and experiences. Thank you.
Well, I agree with the "just
Well, I agree with the "just don't read them." It will take discipline, but you can do it.
If it would be easier, perhaps you set a rule in your email that routes them to a specific folder that your husband can check.
You'll still have to resist the urge to check the folder and read them.
Of course, I was referring to
Of course, I was referring to disengaging for myself only. He has his own struggles with her and can continue to hope they will go away or, perhaps one day, address them.
My SD has been blocked from
My SD has been blocked from my e-mail for years now - it is great! after some of the things I had to read, so I highly recommend it
Females mothering instincts
Females mothering instincts get in the way in times like these. I think a seperate email account is your best solution and obviously put a block on her email as soon as you open it as eventually SD may discover your address.
You can't save everyone.
Just re the separate account.
Just re the separate account. If it is important to you, DH and general family to have a joint email account (and I can see a good purpose to it), then set up a fresh joint account and leave SD on the old one. Gradually inform all your other correspondents that you have moved, and gradually remove your attention from the old account accordingly. Leave DH checking that one occasionally for the pair of you. This way
she does not get wind that anyone has made any adjustments, fuelling her power games, and (b) you do not drive a wedge between your DH and you in other areas. It would be a shame if you hived off onto your new sole account, a bit like the SM leaving the house or hiding elsewhere in the house when the SD visits (I've done that and although I've been ok with it, I can see it does not set the right tone). Equally it would be a shame if the message were sent out to SD that she and DH now have a private little account just for them. Leave her not knowing there has been any change and just thinking she is one of many general correspondents that communicate with the both of you in an un-intimate fashion.
Oh and (c), leaves you able to read, if you wish to, anything that DH has emailed to SD. Thus he would not be tempted to go off into a secretive little mode himself.
Hugs to you! You're in a
Hugs to you! You're in a tough spot!
Anytime someone has a person in their life who is dealing with addiction issues, I always recommend finding a local al-anon group. It may not be for you, but there are people there who have found good coping strategies... and it's live, in person, non-judgmental support.
They call it detachment rather than disengaging... but they share lots of strategies for the same kind of thing.
Above all, be true to yourself, take care of yourself, and nurture your marriage.
The thing that brings all of us together on this site is that we love someone and have a situation that is a threat to our relationship....
Keep nurturing your marriage, but to do that, you must nurture yourself!
Thanks so much. There is a
Thanks so much. There is a meeting tomorrow night that I'll plan to attend. I actually went years ago to try and understand/manage another situation. I know that it will help.
I blocked my SD about 2 years
I blocked my SD about 2 years ago when she started a serious problem between DH and I through the email. He read the email which said she was saying this to "cause me pain" so he was aware of her viciousness though he still put me through the mill about it.
Anyway, I have since gotten my own email and blocked her from it. Peace at least on that front. She sent a bunch of nasty emails back then and was stupid enough to also send them to her father. I recall responding to one telling her that what she was doing was inappropriate and that she should concider what she was doing, but that just reved her up.
Just today we responded to
Just today we responded to one of her vicious rants with an ultimatum that if she EVER sent anything like that again, she would be permanently blocked. Dad signed it, so she hopefully will "get it" that he's on board. It's too soon for me to feel some sense of relief and calm, but hopefully that will come. Right now I'm trying to just get her and her actions out of my mind. The girl's life is a train wreck, but at 46, she needs to take control and stop with the blame game. Again, thanks all.
shen8068. If you're going to
shen8068. If you're going to post garbage, at least check your spelling and grammar.