Pregnant SD wants to move in & says its temporary
I'm new to this blog. When I saw it I immediately made an account!! Please Help!!! My husband and I just recently married . The very next week we started moving into a new home. We are barely unpacked and his 23 year old SD wanted to move in "temporarily" for 6 weeks while she is out on maternity leave. She has a soon to be 4 year old little girl whom I love dearly, but does have a little mean streak. She never hardly has her as she likes to go out. She is either with us, the SD mother, her dad or her great grandmother. Her boyfriend and her was living with her mother then they moved into his parents home, where he has 3 other brothers living. She became pregnant and is expecting any day now. The SD works makes good money and the BF works as well. My husband did not come to me and sit down and talk this out or ask how I felt. I am currently disabled. I do a little set down do a little, etc. I like my privacy and there are days my anxiety is bad. This is due to being sick seeing so many drs and not being able to be the person I used to be. I was told on a Friday that they wanted to come wash clothes as their washer at his mothers was broken. I said ok. Little did I know I would be doing the laundry while SD proceeded to my shower and got ready and her and BF left for the night! They came back late and stayed that night in our bed, which I offered due to her being pregnant I didnt want her sleeping on the sofa. The next morning they got up and left said they were going looking for a bed for her moms house for her. I was told that she would be going in between our home and her mothers home during this 6 weeks of maternity leave. Later that afternoon my husband advised me he was to go pick up the bedroom suit and take it to his ex wifes home for SD. Then later on I am advised she(SD) demanded it was coming to our house!! And so it did. Along with every baby item they owned. Ok...I'm very overwhelmed at this point, but she is his daughter and my skid and my sgrandkids. I try hard to accomodate but SD wants me to move my bedroom so she and BF can have mine and my husbands already set up room!! She also wants my husband room he planned for his guy room for a nursery/ 4 yr old sgrandkid room and my craft room (that I have always dreamed of having) for a closet. This is the BFof the SD parents first grandchild and his mother is going to babysit while they work. The BF parents are not liking the moving games they are playing, rather SD is playing, and they told them both "You both either stay here and you are not playing musical houses, or you can both move out permanately. So now SD crying she is homeless!? But yet her mother has asked them all to move in with her. (forgive me for this long blog, just want the whole story out so everyone can understand) So as a couple days go by she gets a chip on her shoulder( really always been there) shes doesnt say thank you takes her issues out on me and her dad smarting off. He just walks away and I tell him look my kids don't talk to me that way and shes not! SD is messy clothes everywhere doesnt clean walks around like she owns the house. By the end of last week I was really really unhappy with her presence. And then I got a chip on my shoulder(that is a nice word) It was causing stress in my marriage my home my everyday life. Here I'm not even unpacked in my own home and I feel as though I'm being invaded and yes...I was PISSED to say the least! Last day....I was having a private conversation in our bed room with my husband...SD chimed in her two cents worth in a very nasty way...I asked was my husband going to let her talk to me that way he blamed it all on me said I never wanted her here and I started it. She then proceeded to throw all her clothes out of her room into my living room and proceeded to yell I'm moving out cause I hate it here cuz my dad's f*****g b***h wife dont want me here!!! Slamming doors acting crazy. YES I WENT OFF AND RETALIATED BECAUSE MY HUSBAND TOOK SD SIDE BLAMING IT ALL ON ME!! She moved out and he said our marriage was over. He now says he wants to work it out but has made me out to EVERYBODY friends coworkers whom I used to work with at same place, her mother....My husband & SD told everyone I talked about her mother like a dog because I told her she got what she wanted...her dad and mom back together so she can live with them and sponge off them and have built in babysitters. From what my husbands family tells me she has always been loose and mouthy and very disrespectful to EVERYONE. My husbands mom babysits her soon to be 4 year old and has from birth for free so SD could work and she stood up and cussed her and called her names wishing her to die and go to hell all because her grandmother was still putting pull ups on the little girl who wasnt quite potty trained and grandma is 79 now. My daughter is expecting in December drs say that based on her ultrasounds they think the baby will have club foot and is going to require lots of medical attention and love and patience. I am going to babysit my grandbaby. My husband now says he loves me and wants to work it out but he is still mean to me we are barely talking we dont even sleep in the same bed now and he says he threw his daughter away for me. He stays gone after work..he says IT WAS ALL MY FAULT and I'm the one who owes the apologies to him and her and I should text SD and apologize to her and ask her to move back in!! NO WAY. Now he says he dont care if my daughters were homeless they will never live here and my grandbaby i can babysit but she cant stay overnight. This whole situation has made me even sicker mentally and physically. I have always tried to love his daughter and I even told her she could stay 6 weeks but she could not move in. She kept saying I didnt want her here and she didnt want my help. My thoughts and feelings are that once she got in here she wasn't planning on leaving........AM I IN THE WRONG?
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Comments
This is just my opinion, but
This is just my opinion, but in your situation I would take hubby up on his statement that the marriage was over. You are not his priority. His daughter is nuts. He let his daughter go off on you and didn't support you. You are recently married, so this should be the honeymoon period. If this is what happens during the honeymoon period, you have a tough row to hoe. I wouldn't be interested in continuing down this path.
worried you might be right
Worried you might be right. My Aunt and my daughters want us to work it out but they are on my side. They say shes old enough to take care of herself. Why do I still feel so damn guilty and upset by the whole situation? Yes, I was somewhat of a bitch after a few days but I washed evry single solitary piece of baby clothing any body gave them and dried and folded neatly. It all filled up one huge tote a very large gift bag a medium sized gift bag and another round laundry basket with not so much as a thank you! Her attitude is from hell. But at this point I have no where to go I have no income I am currently fighting for disability both my parents dead and no sisters or brothers....
Insanity & Abuse = RUN!
That is a crazy, CRAZED situation. I am glad you found this site and hope you receive some helpful feedback.
My $0.02 is that you are a kind, sane person who is being used, manipulated, and gaslight. His daughter is a manipulative narcissist who effectively uses chaos & self-proclaimed victimhood to stun people into a reaction that benefits her but takes (money, peace, physical space, harmony) from the other person(s).
Your husband has now shown you who he is... so you have some decisions to make.
I am very sorry you are going through this total nightmare.
insanity and abuse
i agree with your commet that my SD is manipulative. she is very disrespectful to him as well as other family members and just people in general. Thank you I am glad I found this site as well. It helps to know what others deal with on a daily basis in these situations and that Im not alone
Welcome to the site!
You are much better off without this chaotic, no-boundary family causing you stress all the time. It's a pity you married your man before he showed his true colours, ie he is a slave to his daughter and his first loyalty is obviously not to his wife, as it should be, but to her. You need to stop putting others before your own mental and physical wellbeing. I don't often advise people on here to cut and run, but honestly, you need to ditch this dreadful man who has been enabling his chaotic cuckoo of an adult daughter.
welcome to the site
Thank you. Glad I found it! you are so right in saying it is a chaotic family. I knew this going in and have tried to keep them at arms length in a respectful way. Things were fine with his SD and I until we moved to a bigger home. The home we were in was very small basically enough for the 2 of us but we wanted to be closer to his job for saving money sake and commuting time. We happened to find a beautiful bigger home for a great deal money wise. of course it is a rental but the landlord said there may be option to buy one day. I was thinking about the grandkids having a room at our home and a yard to run around in. If I would have known it would end up this way.......H and I were really good until all this. I told him myself he disrespected me and showed his true loyalty. Im not saying we are not supposed to be loyal and loving and helpful to our children but she is grown. she chose this path both my daughters are grown and self sufficient. Im a proud mom. They would never have disrespected H that way.. I raised them better and they would never have insisted on moving in.
Talk to a lawyer and ask if
Talk to a lawyer and ask if you can annul this train wreck of a "marriage". Tell DH you two can either sell the house or he can buy you out of your half (and yes, you'll take legal action if he won't do it willingly). Take your stuff and GO.
You will be used as the scapegoat because you aren't family. You're not the mother to any children, so you have no blood tie in this (and thank your lucky stars for it). This whole situation is only going to devolve because your DH won't stand up to his daughter or for you. And he will continue to put you down because he'll be perfectly happy with things and will think you need to be the one to change if you don't like the dynamic.
Kids are supposed to launch. Your DH rolling out the red carpet for SD is half the reason she's the mean little witch she is. She will get everything for nothing, including your home.
Just end this catastrophe. Love isn't enough, and I will tell you from experience that it is totally possible to divorce someone whom you still love and want it to work out with. You just have to use your brain and not your heart right now.
talk to a lawyer....
I have talked to a lawyer and the state we reside in they will not give anullments. no matter how short of time you have been married...legal seperation for 1 year then you can file for divorce. we are renting our home at this time so she isnt getting anything there... I have been recently disabled since May I have been diagnosed with spondyloarthritis and RA as well as Fibromyalgia...which I know some people dont believe in but I have had a family dr and a highly respected rheumatologist diagnose me with the fibromyalgia. I exhausted my short term disability from my job so I lost my job due to dr wont let me return. I am trying to get long term disabiity now. I literally have no where to go. My parents are both passed away andI I was only child. All I can do now is pray and trust God will take care of it. I know each one of us are different in our beliefs and I do respect that. Its just my belief that God is the ultimate handler of all things in my life . Thank you for your reply and care!
Can you move in with your
Can you move in with your daughter temporarily and help her with her baby? I'm assuming you can't start the one-year separation until you are moved elsewhere. If you have been assigned a case manager, I would talk to them about speeding this along (or even look at a women's shelter).
I can't think of any reason
I can't think of any reason for you to stay with this man, he obviously does not care about you.
I hate to say it, but I do
I hate to say it, but I do think that there is no coming back from this.
Your daughter's baby will have issues and she is going to need help. Can you go stay with her for a few months to help her with the end of her pregnancy and the baby's first few months? Especially if there are going to be surgeries? That will give you time to evaluate if he wants to work on your marriage with a counselor and you can set a goal of moving back in 6 months. If things don't go well, it will give you 6 months to come up with a new plan for your life without him.
I was in an abusive marriage before my current. The moment anyone tells me what I am "allowed" to do or not do- It sends me into this weird panic/rage thing. My husband knows to not demand of me, but ask me and I will do as he wishes 99% of the time and if I don't agree with something I just give him reasoning and he understands.
You reported this sd is DH's
You reported this sd is DH's SD? ----you wrote: We are barely unpacked and his 23 year old SD wanted to move in "temporarily" for 6 weeks while she is out on maternity leave.
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GoodLuck
typo
It is H BD my SD... I stand corrected
She's moving in?With her
She's moving in?
With her circumstances?
Good luck in trying to get her out.
This is a trainwreck and you should just say NO.
If your husband "loves" you he will respect your decision.
If not, you know where you stand.
THIS would be a deal breaker for me.
shes gone
she is gone now after it all exploded she took her things and left but IM THE VILLAIN THE BITCH SM.....I am now expected to text and apologize asking her back....LOL....NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I will apologize for my attitude in it but she owes me apology as well as her Dad. i didnt have an attitude until she come in with one expecting to me to surrender my basically whole home to her
Just say NO
You know once she moves in. You will become the babysitter, maid, cook ect. You do not need this train wreck of a circus in your home. Or what will be left of your home.
just say no
she is gone now...it all came to a head and i stood up to her name calling to me! I told her I wasnt going to tolerate it. I also told her dad the same. Im not leaving this home until I can do for myself. I have RA and am now on chemo injections instead of the pill as of today as well as after all this I have developed high blood pressure. The dr had to give me a blood pressure medicine in the office today it was so high and a shot of Torodol for my headache from my BP. He vowed to take care of me and thats what hes gonna do or i will seek legal counsel against him. All I can do is let God above take over and handle it . Thank you for your comment and not being judgemental
You have some choices to make
Either you seek legal counsel, annul the marriage, and legally force the sale (or buyout) of the home. Or, you stay, and stand up for yourself. That means you keep your master bedtoom, you do not babysit, you do not do everyone else's laundry, you do not cook meals for everyone.
Your husband sounds rather mean. Please rethink this.
choices to make
In the state we live in annullment isnt an option unless there are 3 rules met and I qualify for none as I have already spoken with a lawyer. Its legal seperation for a year then you can file for divorce. I chose to stay and stand up for myself as we are renting not buying but believe me if we were buying he would def be made to buy me out! She is gone because it all came to head and i stood up to her for calling me a effin bitch in my own home while my H took her side. My BK's would never have talked to him that way and if they did they would be corrected but furthermore my kids would never want to move in on us as they are very self sufficient and have been taught you work for what you have not get it handed to you on a silver platter!! Thank you for your comment and not bashing me.
Oh honey. If you're just
Oh honey. If you're just recently married you should still be in that blissful phase. And here you are sleeping apart and arguing.
why would you stay in this intolerable situation?
oh honey if....
yes should be that way.....it was til SD tried to push in and when I stood up for myself well Im a villain a cruel SM. So be it because I refuse to let adult SD walk all over me and not even my own bio children. Mine would never have been so disrespectful they were raised better. thank you for your comment and not bashing me
Talk about marrying beneath
Talk about marrying beneath you. None of this is normal, or healthy, or tolerable.
Your H is showing you his true colors. Meanwhile, you don't seem to know what your role is and is not. It's not your responsibility to take care of some adult you aren't related to, and it's certainly not your job to be her servant/do her laundry! Quit trying to please everyone else and bending over backwards to cater to your H and his trashy daughter. Quit doing as you're told (!), because the person bossing you around has shown you that his own judgement is exceedingly poor.
You've married into a very dysfunctional dynamic, to a man who's managed to create a monster p.o.s. daughter. These two are the problem, not you, and you need to stand up for yourself. Quit being a doormat!
I vote for annulment. Get the heck away from these trashy people. You can either be healthy, or you can continue to live in this low rent manner. Save yourself.
talk about marrying beneath
I agree NOT NORMAL HEALTHY OR TOLERABLE. H sure did show his true colors right after the vows. I knew that H family had issues and drama but I tried to keep them at arms length being respectful at same time. We have basically been fine until all this crap I guess Im not sure what Im doing as Ive never had to be a SM before now. My bio children have never invaded me or my privacy they have just been there for me loved me and been concerned. They were raised to work hard take care of what they work for and be self sufficient and respectful of others. As far as her laundry I didnt do hers I did all the new baby clothes bibs blankets etc. But that was the last of laundry I did for her . Her and her BF are gone now Im the villain bitch SM. Thats ok because I refuse to be treated like that by her or anybody. Thanks for your comment and not bashing me
You're not a SM in the
You're not a SM in the conventional sense, you just married a man with adult kids. You are all adults and are free to form your own mutual relationships (or not), just as with any other adult you meet. You are not responsible for anything to do with his kids, and your H was out of line to just assume that his monster could just move into your house without discussing it with you first.
You H's adult daughter is a train wreck, and she's accustomed to using anger and wrath to get her way with her parents. This is their normal. Since you arent able to leave, please stick to your boundaries while putting together an exit strategy. Every sensible married woman has one just in case, and the situation you're in is pretty precarious.
shes gone
I never actually looked at it that way but you make a good point. I also agree H was out of line. I have tried to discuss this with him that he should have came to me first. He says he did but that was not the case. I felt railroaded and even bitter. It all finally came to a head when my husband asked me a question in our room SD didnt like the answer I gave because of the chip on her shoulder and she lashed out at me calling me " A f***** bitch". Not one word not ONE was said about her or to her. She moved out and Im relieved but I am paying for it. But as you said sensible women have an exit strategy....Im already working on mine. Thank you for your comment...makes sense
He is fine with you having to suck it up
having his daughter come over. But your own kids are banned from coming. This is sn effed up relationship full of abuse