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My adult stepson..

stepmomtoadultchild's picture

I got married to my wife when my stepson was 12 year old. He didn't seem to care that his mom was marrying another woman. However he kept his distance. He rarely said hi or hello to me at home. Soon that behavior bled into the way he treated his mom. He clearly preferred to be at his dad's place. He is a 27 year old phd student in biophyiscs/ biochemistry. When ever he gets free time he always visits his dad. He only sees his mom once a year and he is only one state away, yet he has been at his dad's place four times yearly. Last Thursday was my wife's birthday. He couldn't even facetime her for at least 20 minutes if not visit. He just said happy birthday for five minutes and told us he was busy with his friends on a trip. My wife's mood was soured for the entire day. I got really upset and personally called him to have a meeting for three of us. He reluctantly said ok after saying it was urgent.

We met at the cafe nearby his university. I basically told him how I felt the way he treats his mother for all these years. His expression was stone cold. He told me I was being unreasonable. He openly admitted he loves his dad way more than his mother. My stepson said the moment I entered into the family, was the moment he felt sidelined. He seemed upset at the fact whenever he asked to do stuff with just his mother, she would always suggested me to tag along or would have made plans with me before. He said "I have nothing against you guys. I wasn't neglected or anything, but, let's be honest I was just a temporary member of the household. You guys are were too wrapped up in each other. Despite being remarried and having another child, that man who I call dad still made sure I was a priority in life. When my half sister was old enough to manage, he would occasionally take weekend getaways with just me. I didn't even have to ask. He should me in multiple ways that I was an individual who he wanted a life long relationship with. With mom on the other hand I actually had to put in more work despite her being the parent."

My wife burst into tear and begging for forgiveness. That's when he said he had to leave and apologized for causing any pain.

Comments

caninelover's picture

Honestly adult kids are sometimes closer to one parent then the other.  That is not really unfair, it is just how things happen sometimes.  He doesn't seem completely estranged from your wife so perhaps she can start to build from there and spend some individual time with him.

I think he made it clear he wants no relationship with you, for whatever reason.  So, I would disengage and simple support your wife if she wants occasional one in one visits with her adult son to try to improve their relationship, which can be separate from yours.

stepmomtoadultchild's picture

what teenager wants alone time with their parents they should be more focused on their friends. It seems he is upset that we put our maariage first

Winterglow's picture

It's not so much that you put your marriage first, it's that he was never allowed alone time with is mother without you being there. His father made time for him and he appreciated it. If your wife had done the same, maybe things would be different today? Who knows?

It's perfectly natural for a teenager whose parents are divorced (and even those whose parents aren't divorced) to want to occasionally talk to them alone. It's hard to confide in a parent or ask for advice from them if there is constantly another person there. Teens still need their parents and your SD feels like he was cut off from his mother so it's not really surprising that he feels comfier at his father's place.

caninelover's picture

Need some one in one time with their parents.  That would be called...parenting.  

AgedOut's picture

He told mom how and why he feels that way. now she has to decide what she will do, fix it, not fix it. 

caninelover's picture

Is that OP was very judgemental to SS about his relationship with his biomom, who sat there and let OP take the lead and basically berate him for being a bad son.  Very odd and I actually think SS stayed calm and sounded very reasonable.  

Mamabearof3's picture

Is she trying to plan a trip or weekly visits with him or something now? He wanted more time with his mom and he didn't have it. Now that she's been told the problem and she's sorry what's she doing to fix it? 

Lolita's picture

With your behaviour, youve possibly made their relationship worse, not better. You can support your wife and be there for her, whilst still staying in your lane. In this case, you didnt stay in your lane.

Frankly your wifes attitude seems emotionally immature and she seems to be operating in victim-mode. Her son was honest but polite, and hes entitled to his opinion. If you werent ready to hear his side of the story, why did you call this meeting in the first place? 

caninelover's picture

I know a bully when I see one.  OP is a bully.  Their wife seems subservient.  Then OP tries to 'call a meeting' with a 27 year-old PhD student.  WTF?  The OP and wife are the ones that need help.  

Sorry for railing on all these posts - but OP is a bully.  SS did the right thing and frankly is just living his life. OP and wife should grow up and leave SS alone.  I hate bullies - "call a meeting" with a 27 year old PhD student?  NO, NO, NO.

Birchclimber's picture

I can't imagine myself demanding a 3 way meeting with our toxic YSD who has always been much closer to her BM, and then making her feel that she needs to come clean and actually state that fact, which has always being obvious to us anyway. Giving her a forum to actually say those words to my DH would do nothing more than hurt him even more then when she doesn't say them but when she allows her actions to speak for her. 

I guess what I am saying is that sometimes words unspoken are easier to accept and deal with and less hurtful then when someone comes right out and says "I love you less then...". 

The protective side of me would never purposely put my husband in the position of hearing the truth (as she sees it) from my ysd's venomous lips.  As tempting as it may be to try to mend the fences in their situations, it's simply not our job. I believe that their dysfunctional dynamic really began before we entered the picture and it is theirs to deal with. If your wife wants to call a meeting with ss, then she should do so, but you don't really need to be there as a mediator unless she specifically asks you to be in which case you should go along as her support system, but not as a moderator.  However, if she didn't call this meeting herself,  then she probably didn't feel emotionally or mentally prepared for what she knew she was going to hear during this one, and clearly she hadn't prepared herself with a strategy on how to deal with the inevitable comments that he had made.

I am very sorry to hear that it all ended up that way and I hope that she will feel comforted by you in your continued support of her.

Note to readers: *Sorry if you're reading this twice.  I'm not sure what happened, but I had posted it and then I couldn't find it so I reposted it. 

 

Ispofacto's picture

Possible PASination by biodad?

I mean,  it's normal for a kid to be closer to one parent than the other,  but is this shunning?  If so, that's another level.