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Kids Thoughts on Divorce

stepmom31's picture


aggravated1's picture

" Most parents do not want to admit to themselves the hardships they've brought on their children by choosing to divide their families."

Of course you are right. Divorce is so much fun for everyone that those who have done it have no concern for their kids. Riiiiiiight. Have you been divorced? Do you know what its like?
If not, you don't know what you are talking about. If you have, then lump yourself right up into that category you put MOST parents in, unless you are somehow above it all and better than everyone else.

For every parent who left a abusive situation, for every parent who left a husband or wife who cheated, or cared nothing about their families, shame on you for that above comment. I know NO ONE who got divorced who had children who did not agonize over their decision. Maybe you are just hanging out with the wrong people.

Oi Vey's picture

I read the postcards. Totally heartbreaking.

It seems like adults are SO quick to put it all on the kid...they mock them being COD (TM) "Children of Divorce" (trademark) and such.
The truth of the matter is that divorce has a huge impact on kids. And adults! They say it's likened to death.

Why do we adults want so much patience and understanding (after all, it's SO HARD to be a SM!!) but yet we are totally incapable of extending that same patience and understanding to the children whose lives have been ripped apart?

Believe me, not a day goes by that I don't wonder if my kids would be happier if I'd never left their abusive, loser father. After our divorce, he left the state for years and never saw them or even spoke with them. The impact that had on them is apparent even today.

Oh, how much better this world would be if we offered as much compassion as we want to receive.

Interesting articles.

B22S22's picture

"It's like death. Only the people are still alive"

Well sorta but then again.... Speaking from experience. My first DH passed away when my kids were 3 and 5.

The crazy BM in my life told me once that death isn't nearly as bad as when the love dies, as was the case in HER marriage.

I look at it this way from the adult's point of view:
Divorce happens when there has been betrayal, abuse, etc and in most cases the love is gone, replaced by sorrow, anger, contempt, you name it. All avenues have been exhausted, and the person/people know it's time to go, and divorce proceedings commence. Yes, there's heartaches, headaches, and gutaches from all the drama involved in lawyers, court, CS, custody and all of the other things involved. To quote my DH when I asked him about his divorce, "I just got to a point that I couldn't feel love for her because of her actions and behaviors, and she wasn't willing to work on it." He was ready to be d.o.n.e.

I loved my first DH with all my heart, and I still do to this day. There are some things death doesn't change. He died way too young (35), and although we had been married 15 years, our 'family' had just begun. We weren't ready to be done. He didn't do anything to hurt me, to betray me, he was just terminally ill with an incurable disease.

From the kids' point of view:
I know kids of divorced parents have a difficult time adjusting to parents living in different homes... new SO's/spouses. I'm a stepmom, I see it. Rules vary, expectations vary, and they have to deal with the craziness of the adults (in many cases). And it's unfortunate because know what? They still have 2 parents (unless of course, one takes off without a fowarding address).

Kids of death have to deal with a parent they will never see again, except in their dreams and memories. And pictures. Huge milestones will be shared with one parent, but there's always going to be that "missing piece". My son will never have is dad watch one of his games. My daughter will never get the chance to hear her dad say "you're amazing" when she wins a scholastic award. Who will walk her down the aisle?

I'm not trying to disparage any beliefs, just seeing it from the other side that many don't have to deal with. I hear my kids often talk about the fact that my SK's complain about having to "uproot" their EOW to come see their dad (they live 5 minutes away). My kids get literally disgusted when they hear this, as they would give anything to see their dad.

B22S22's picture

And one more thing I want to add.... I AM thankful that my children do not have to suffer thru a lot of the adult drama I read on this site, and unfortunately have to experience with my DH and his ex. I'm very careful to keep my children somewhat shielded from that. I read thru those postcards... and the one underlying theme that was very clear was how the children want to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

It is really sad. I don't see much compassion toward the kids. We ask them to just get over it and deal with it as if they had the tools and understanding that not even many grown ups have.
It is important to be reminded if this.
Thanks for the links.

smileygirl's picture

I've never fooled myself I know it's hard on kids to deal with this insane negativity that we adults are dealing with but these made me cry. I've saved the link so that in the future I can give myself a little jolt of honesty when necessary. DH and I go out of our way to try to make the divorce as easy as possible on them, if there is such a thing, but I know BM doesn't and it kills them. SAD stuff.

Whateva's picture

Yeah divorce can be hard on everyone but it can also be a breath of fresh air. I would never equate divorce with death...death is waaaaay worse! }:)

I am also a realist and feel that even though divorce can be tough on kids it isn't the worse thing in the world either. As long as the kids have parents that care about them, don't think they should be felt sorry for like they have lost someone to death. It is important to teach children to be realist (we are living in the real world right?) life is full of disappointments so if you allow kids to crumble at each disappointment or "change" in life then they are going to fell miserably in this cruel world.

When my parents divorced when I was young, I was actually happy, because I saw they were not getting along, I had no resentment toward either of them and ended up with a step dad who became like a real Dad to me. So perhaps I have always been a realist since a very young age.
Life is short and everyone deserve to be with someone who make them happy and most times it might not be the person you had babies with!! I don't believe in that nonsense of staying together for the sake of the is rubbish in my book.


B22S22's picture

I agree with what you're saying. I too am a realist (usually). Even though my children were very young when their father passed away, I have made it very clear to them that losing their father was out of anyone's control, it's sad, he will be in their hearts forever, but their loss will not be used as a crutch, or a reason for everything "wrong" in their lives.

I make no beans about telling my kids that life often sucks, it's not fair, but what is important is what WE make of it, how we deal with the curve balls life throws at us, and how we learn and grow from those experiences.

Bear with me as I fumble thru this... What would my kids have become had I not been strong, had I not been their "rock", had I not found a "new normal" for the three of us that still had rules, discipline, and expectations? What would my kids have become had I allowed them to use the death of their father as an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior towards anyone who crossed their paths? What would my kids have become if they witnessed and fed off of my anger, frustration, and sorrow at getting the short end of the stick?

This is terrible to say, but I think they would have become much like some of the kids/step kids we talk about on this site.

dragonfly5's picture

Crazo causes so much drama for all of us. One time FSD11 and I were sitting on the couch and I said to her I am sorry divorce sucks she looked so shocked and happy at the same time. She said Yes it does. I told her I was sorry. She thanked me and hugged me. It was a very nice moment.

My daughter was 27 when we divored. My conselor said it doesn't matter is they are 7 or 27 the pain and the damage is the same. I find this statement to be true.

I wish I would have gotten out sooner. I taught my daughter to tape, glue, do what ever it takes to hold something together that is totally destructive. Not good. She told me she didn't know why or how I stayed as long as I sad,

Never again. Boundaries, healthy boundaries and I have learned I would rather be alone than unhappy.

I also found out I like me. And I like being alone...good finds!

Whateva's picture

I agree Dragonfly... I couldn't imagine loving anyone (child, parent, or spouse) more than I love me.

I even know people that have stayed together for the sake of their religion, I am talking about women who were beaten but hesitated to leave due to their religion, so not saying divorce is fun but it certainly isn't the end of the world either