BM is laughing at us
So BM obviously knows that DH and I argue about if the kids are coming or not and that I bug him about standing up to her. Here is today's text - "The kids are not coming this weekend, you and the boss have a good night lol"
Then DH told her we have sthg planned for Sunday (something really nice), so she says to come and get them early on Sunday morning. No mention of what time she is picking them up on Sunday evening, and DH doesn't think it's important to ask and make the damn plan early enough (as usual!) And for the record, we do have something planned for Sat too, but DH apparently doesn't care about that - that being a very important celebration for one of OUR kids, amazing.
She's texts him a lot of messages with "wink emoticons" which really pisses me off. And I've seen DH's reply to some of them and it seems that the "wink" gets him in a chatty mode, rather than business mode, and that pisses me off even more, because he just doesn't realize it!! And it's like they are flirting with each other! Well, DH really attempts to stick to the facts, but they way BM continues the conversation, you'd think it was a flirt-off.
Anyway, she's obviously laughing at both of us. And she KNOWS she's pulling the strings, she KNOWS she has full control over the decision of whether the kids come at all on any given weekend, she KNOWS that DH has to bend to suit her schedule for drop off and pick up. I hate the fact that she has so much power and that she's really laughing at us.
On Mother's Day, she started up a conversation with DH about the family we went to visit that weekend, asking about people and DH fell right in, chatting with her and I got SOOOO mad. He just doesn't know how to tell her that "it's none of her business". And I was especially mad because the family we visited didn't invite any other family on purpose because they are very private. Only to find out from DH today that BM is friends with someone on FB who the family we visited wants nothing to do with, and here was DH spilling info to someone who's going to go right back and tell about it. Not surprised really, but jeeeeez, when will DH learn about respecting ppl's privacy esp with respect to BM.
I dunno, I feel really TERRIBLE when I know BM is laughing at ME (and DH). I can't describe it. I feel sick. Really sick. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I wish DH had just told her to keep the kids this weekend, I don't want to see them, I don't want to go out with them.
We fight too much about these things... we're going to break... I can feel it... I can feel it in myself and I know DH is fed up of me.... because he blames me for always making a fuss about everything. Sometimes, I wish I was dead, really. Because to me, getting divorced (esp not having my marriage not last as long as DH's and BM's) is such a failure. Death just wouldn't be that kind of failure.
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DH was treated like shit by
DH was treated like shit by BM and her family, he always feels that he has something to prove to them, and I'm sure that their approval and liking is like a kind of drug for him, and he can't even see through the insincerity most times.
Look, please don't talk about
Look, please don't talk about dying. It's not a solution!!!
Your set-up sounds like the one I had with DH/BM many years ago. I met DH 20 years ago, we got married 14 years ago.
This is how my DH and BM also behaved, slightly flirtatious, engaging in conversations about many things, not just sticking to skids. She pulled quite a lot of other crap also, which DH seemed too eager to forgive. Unfortunately, I really believe that men just don't see that they are being lured into BM's trap. Because they don't think like women. We are women, we know how other women operate, and you can clearly see the games she's playing. As for her "laughing" at you both. Our BM also did this, and even went as far as calling DH one day from her office to tell him that she and "all her colleagues" were laughing at DH. Very mature! I confronted BM after tolerating a good few years of her pulling the strings, and I actually asked her if she understood that she was DH's EX-wife! She told me that she knew when I was in the same room or not as DH when they were on the phone together and proceeded to tell me that they had never had any problems until I came along! What?! They were divorced for 3 years when I met DH. I told her that her only problem was she still wanted to control DH. And that is exactly what your BM is doing. You need to get your DH to see that too, then you can both get on the same page.
Have you read "Stepmonster"? It helped my DH see the whole stepfamily situation for what it really is. Also, I often show DH posters' problems on StepTalk, because it really gets the message across that there is a definite pattern to everyone's situation/problems.
Just something else: when we were in therapy, years later, a lot of this "stuff" came out that I was still holding on to, because it bugged me tremendously and the therapist's reply was "it takes a divorced couple quite some time to "disentangle" themselves". It is difficult for us SMs to put up with but I think that is quite an accurate description of the "moving on" stage after divorce.
I have read the book and my
I have read the book and my DH refused to read it. He also refuses to read anything on the web about stepfamilies, he says it's all bullshit and doesn't really represent real lives. He knows a couple people in stepfamilies and the new wives/husbands all calmly cater to the exes as needed, they all hang out together,etc. so he sees absolutely nothing wrong with it, and everything is wrong with ME for not changing to suit.
It's been more than 3 years of marriage, they were VERY entangled in the beginning, and it has slowly loosened, but BM still has that hold really. From the time she raises her voice about o something DH will simmer down and say "ok" eg. DH: what about paying your half of the medical? BM:So you can pay the whole thing for kids with Stepmom31 but not our kids? I work for pennies on the dollar compared to you. Have you forgotten that they are your FIRST kids? DH: Ok, I will pay, no problem.
There is, but they don't
There is, but they don't follow it. They have their own signed and notarized agreement, written by BM and DH did not let me see it before he signed it. So it basically states that they will be flexible about the schedule and DH has them every weekend unless BM wants them.
So DH flexes to her schedule as much as possible. She flexes when the mood hits her which is hardly ever. And really, she has final say if they come or not, every single time.
This is why she controls
This is why she controls visitation :
They don't follow the court order. They have their own signed and notarized agreement, written by BM and DH did not let me see it before he signed it. So it basically states that they will be flexible about the schedule and DH has them every weekend unless BM wants them.
So DH flexes to her schedule as much as possible. She flexes when the mood hits her which is hardly ever. And really, she has final say if they come or not, every single time.
It is almost impossible to detach. I am currently a SAHM with 2 babies. We have only one car. I live very far away from my family and friends. My ability to have an independent life is pretty much nil. So many things pertaining the skids, have an impact on my life.
Please for your own sanity
Please for your own sanity get a mode of transportation (A bike with a trailer would be a good start) and get thee to a therapist. If that is not affordable, start reading.
I am in the middle of "co Dependant no more" and I have learned a lot. And even though looking at myself is hard, I FEEL much better and stronger. The more I relate to things I read in the book, the more aware I become of how much I stood in my own way. You are slowly strangeling yourself with this stuff, let go so you can breathe!
"Because to me, getting
"Because to me, getting divorced (esp not having my marriage not last as long as DH's and BM's) is such a failure."
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Marriage isn't a competition, & to treat it as such...to have that be your drive to keep it together isn't healthy.
If you can pull your efforts out of the competition with BM & put them into your marriage with your DH, things have a chance at getting better, if your DH is willing to do the same.
"Well, DH really attempts to stick to the facts, but they way BM continues the conversation, you'd think it was a flirt-off."
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You seem to pin the blame on BM as though she forces your DH to behave the way he does with her. Maybe she starts it, but it's up to him to end it. Rather than ending it, he jumps right in & participates with her. If he's flirting with her, it's his fault. His actions are his choices.
How does BM know that you two fight about the kids coming over & that you bug him about standing up to her? Did he tell her? She'll play on that weakness in your marriage every chance she gets. You can be certain that that's what keeps her motivated in interfering.
Yep, it sounds like as long as your DH is flirting & making her privy & confiding in her in regards to your marital issues, she's got the upper hand, & will until HE takes it away.
She knows because it has
She knows because it has happened in front of the kids. The kids tell her everything that goes on in our house on a weekend. DH does not care about privacy. He just DOESN'T CARE. He feels embarrassed if I talk to my parents about what's going on in our house, but he is not embarrassed by the kids seeing and hearing stuff and telling their mother (and eventually BM's whole family) about it.
At the very beginning of our marriage, he once tried to reassure her because she was upset about something, and he did it by telling her I was insecure, talk about loyalty in a marriage. I will never forget that day. I'm sure she hasn't either.
Is there a custody order? If
Is there a custody order? If not, DH needs to get one and keep to the guidelines. Have you read "step monster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin? Definitely a must read for BOTH of you.
How about counseling?
Focus on taking care of yourself. Exercise to relieve your stress, eat healthy, take something to help you sleep. Focus more on you and your kids, your home etc., take a different approach and let DH wonder what's going on.
Then tell him yours and his energy belong on your children and your life together, NOT with BM. Tell him your insulted by the attention he gives his ex and that your his wife and his attention belongs to you and your marriage.
Bottom line...DH is not worth dying over, your kids need their mother and you need to take care of yourself! Hang in there
I can't get DH to read
I can't get DH to read anything.
And I can't get him to go to counseling either. He went to counselling with BM and the counselor told him to do everything possible to make his wife happy. He did, bought her the big house she wanted, cashed in his life savings and retirement to do it, moved far away from his family, only to have it all fall apart and leave him financially ruined. He says he is never going to counselling again.
I have told him all those things you've mentioned. I've told him too many times and he just doesn't care. When I tell him things like that, he says I am making things a problem.
Wow this is very similar to
Wow this is very similar to our situation. My dh and bm had a flirting over text and email thing going on while we were still dating but before we got married. When I found out I was livid. It was during a iffy time between me and dh who was my fiancé then. He would text her throughout the day and often hide while doing so. He was also texting on his company cellphone and looked very eager to receive the next text. It was completely humiliating. He would hide the phone from me also...making sure to take the phone with him everywhere he went even into the bathroom. But obviously I found a way to get it and looked through the texts. I was hysterical and bawled my eyes out. Dh had no idea what just happened but eventually we talked it through. I let him know how it was completely unacceptable, humiliating, downright disrespectful it all was. I was ready to leave him. Of course dh didn't think it was that bad. He knew he hurt me a lot but he said "it's not we actually did anything" as in at least we didn't have sex. But NywYs just wanted to let you know dh and bm have had a connection, sometimes these things will happen. But please for your sake you need to tell dh how you feel. If he gets it great, you guys can move on. If he doesn't you need to re-think why you are settling for man that so blatantly disrespects you.
You're right about the
You're right about the connection. DH likes to claim there is none, but it's in plain sight really. I have told him how I feel and he doesn't care, because if he has to please me and respect me, he will have to really stand up to her and it's like he can't do it.
I agree with the others. Stop
I agree with the others. Stop focusing on THEIR relationship and focus on your relationship. He can't change BM and you can'tchange him. The best way to have her stop laughing at you is to stop caring what she does. They are his kids, if he doesn't want to fight for them, assume he doesn't want them and move forward. She can't laugh if you stop playing.
That said, I live with the fact that SD's BM laughs at two very personal tragedies that I've had in my life since I met dh. That says a lot more about her than it does me, doesn't it?
Let her laugh. Live your life and live it well and you'll get the last laugh.
And if you really feel like dying would be better than "losing" the lengthy marriage competition to a woman you don't even like, you should consider counseling. Suicide is never the answer. I lost someone very close to me to suicide. It isn't a fix. Life could improve in a week, a month, a year, or 10 years. If you check out, you might miss the best part of your life.
THEIR relationship has
THEIR relationship has significantly blossomed since DH decided to take her on as his personal charity case. He gives her extra money, pays all the doctor bills without question, flexes to her schedule as much as possible, all because he believes it's getting him a lot of good karma points. That's all well and good, but everything he gives means someone else gets less, usually me and our kids. So how can I not care, if it affects me personally and I have absolutely no say?
I replied to all of you
I replied to all of you because, frankly, I feel like you guys are keeping me alive. Thank you. I may not have made sense in my replies, because I am so damn emotional right now. And tired, of living like this.
I wanted a husband and kids, not the rest of this drama, and no, I didn't know what I was getting into. I hadn't a clue. I think I really did my own kids a disservice by bringing them into a situation like this, they certainly deserve much better. If you ask me today, marrying a man with kids is not worth it, it's just not worth all the sacrifices you have to make and struggles you have to go through and to still never have a normal life.
Stepmom31, I know there's not
Stepmom31, I know there's not much anyone can say that can make you feel better, but a lot of us are in similar situations. Take heart in the fact that there are people worse off and if you read some of the members blogs you will see. Is there anywhere you can take your kids to to get away from the house for awhile? The fact that you are talking about killing yourself whether serious or not is enough of a reason to consider taking yourself out of the situation. No man is worth taking your life for especially because who is going to take care of your precious kids when you're gone? I hope this helps a little bit. Feel free to send me a message if you need to talk further. God bless