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Everything falling apart

Stepmom2.0's picture

Ever since Dh sat down with OSS a month ago to clear up the air everything has changed- not in the good way. He didn't not tell me what exactly they talked about. All he said was he's getting both of hs sons back in his life again. 

We've been fighting more than ever. Anything I say to him makes him angry. He spends all of his free time outside of the house with OSS,his boyfriend, and YSS. 

My rules for having OSS in the house are as follows:  1) apologize to myself and dh 2) Show me basic respect 3) act like he wanted to be part of our family. Well Dh had enough of that and told me that this house is just as much his as mine and he doesn't need my permission to have his sons over. I don't need him to ask for permission. All i'm asking for is to be respected as his wife. So much of being a united front. He brought both boys over while I was out. When I came inside and saw them, needless to say I was pissed. I spent the whole day upstairs while I heard them laughing and have a good time. We fought all night. 

I feel like I don't matter to him anymore. OSS has always been the apple of Dh's eye. Everything is about his sons. he's not neglecting BD8 or his sons. He's neglecting me. 

 

 

Comments

Phoenix2019's picture

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I know exactly what you’re going through. I don’t often recommend marriage counseling, but in your case it might be worth a shot. Your DH needs to understand that the marriage comes first and that you two need to function as a unit. Your conditions for his son being in your home are not unreasonable. As his WIFE, you need to be treated with respect. He must insist upon that. I always told my ex that I didn’t care whether his daughters liked me, but they had to treat me with basic decency and respect. He would not set that expectation with his daughters, so I left. Not going to be treated like a third-class citizen in my relationship. Give counseling a shot. Your DH hearing this from a third party may have a more powerful effect than hearing it from you. Good luck.

tog redux's picture

I actually think you are past marriage counseling time, he has made his choice, and it's not you.

Though I will say - while I agree you are entitled to basic respect, asking for an apology seems unreasonable to me, quite honestly.  Forced apologies are meaningless anyway.

If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to compromise on what you've asked in regard to his sons.

Stepmom2.0's picture

It's been 6 years and I don't I will ever will get one.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think, even if she gives up the idea of getting an apology, that her and DH still need counseling to move forward. If these two have held grudges against her, it's likely they may continue to do so. Her and her DH need to establish a new agreement with how they approach any kid and how they expect to be treated by them.

It was unfair of her DH to reneg on their prior agreement, and he has caused her pain in doing so. I think a third party could help them navigate forward IF the OP is willing to compromise in the short term as an olive branch.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So your DH was okay with being a united front several years ago, but now that his kids have lifted their "punishment", he decides that you are the problem - the SOLE problem?

I think counseling would be good unless he is fine with losing you, which if he is, it would be best if he just told you versus punishing you.

And that's what he is doing - punishing you. Punishing you for something he willingly agreed to. Sorry, adults get to punish children. They don't get to punish their partners - their equals - especially on joint decisions.

This is what I would say:

"DH, I am happy that you have a newfound relationship with your kids. However, the decision to require an apology and respect to BOTH of us was one that we MUTUALLY agreed to. It is unfair for you to back out on an agreement with me all because you got yours. I don't care about the relationships with your kids. I am HAPPY you have those. However, I AM heartbroken that you have broken an agreement with me, and are punishing me because you broke it. It hurts to know that you are purposefully doing things to hurt me when 3 months ago you stood with me.

I want to fix this, and I would like to go to counseling to fix it. If, however, you don't want to work with me on a new agreement, tell me now so I can plan my exit. I won't stay and continue to fight. My heart can't handle it."

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

DH can't laugh if up downstairs when you takenhalf the house in the divorce. What a chump. What a complete, spineless jackwad. *hugs*

disrestep's picture

You should not be treated like this by your DH. No one should.

Any person should be respected in their own home, period. You should not have to run and hide in your own home because DH needs to play nice with his spawn in your house. 

I read quickly through some prior posts and it sounds like the adult skids have not been nice to you or your DH, especially OSS. If you and your DH agreed to both be treated with respect and an apology was in order for his hateful behavior, remind your DH of this.

I'd inform my DH this is my home also and if people are going to be invited over, especially people who are rude to me, let me know ahead of time, as it is just common courtesy. If he cannot do that, I'd talk to an attorney to find out what my rights are to have them removed.. Don't go and hide from them, don't make them feel comfortable. In fact, make them feel uncomfortable: vacuum, play music they don't like loud, cook something that smells, talk loud on the phone, invite friends and family over while they are there, run the dishwasher, washing machine, turn up the TV and put on a show they don't like. Don't let them get to you. 

Your OSS sounds like a piece of work. I have no doubt your DH has placed a halo over his head and no matter what he does-how bad it is, his boys will always be the perfect little angels. Ugh, something is wrong with people who put their marriage on the back burner, leave spouses behind to appease their hateful spawn. Your DH appears to be doing this. Don't let him treat you like a doormat. No one deserves that. Every spouse deserves respect.

good luck to you in the future.