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step1's picture

I was wondering if anyone else is having grandparent issues? I am very lucky (or unlucky depending on the day, lol) to have both my parents and my hubby's parents live within about 30 minutes of my house. Hubby's parents are retired and my parents have a flexible work schedule so this means instant babysitter any time we need one...and at a moments notice, plenty of extra support and love for my SD12, lots of family functions for all of us and every other perk that comes with this situation. Sounds perfect right? This is what I am going through, am I being unreasonable?
Hubby's parents (GP's) have no rules. They keep a messy home, eat unhealthy food daily, argue and yell at eachother in front of SD and allow her to act like a baby for attention. SD knows how to manipulate so she uses and abuses while she is there...begging for food and snacks, backtalking, ordering them around and not listening. GP's just let this behavior go, and most of the time don't think anything is wrong until hubby and I point it out to them; even after we point it out they just make excuses for her. "It's my fault...I was teasing her so she yelled at me" or "she's only eating that pizza covered in ranch dressing and chocolate syrup because that's how I eat mine". It gets worse from there. They want her to spend the night ALL OF THE TIME. At first it was every Friday night until Sunday morning.We cut back on that.
On the other side we have my parents(SGP's). While SGP's have been there for SD from day one with babysitting, helping buy clothing and supplies and support they seem to think they have earned the right to take SD for overnight visits almost EVERY weekend. They get angry if they find out SD visited GP's on any given weekend and not them.They are going for this 50/50 thing that just doesn't work for our family. If we decide to go for a drive and happen to stop in to see GP's we have to make sure we stop in to see SGP's on the way home. If SD has a sleepover With GP's...SGP's had better get her the following weekend. I was told by GP's that I am bieing cruel by not giving them 50/50 Granddaughter time.
I tried to explain to both of them that we are in need of serious bonding time with hubby, SD and myself. We want to spend weekends with her as a new family and we need to have her with us more than away from us. Sleepovers are fine once in a while but BOTH sets of GP's want her EVERY chance they can get...and I know it's just a competition, and that is so wrong. It doesn't help that SGP's can't seem to understand that GP's have been watching SD12 get abused and neglected by BM and spent 5 years fighting the system across 3 states with hubby to get her here to a safe place. They are her lifelong family...SGP's have only known her for 3 years. While SD loves and adores both sets of GP's this situation is getting out of hand. Hubby and I talked to both sets of GP's to try to set up some rules and remind them that SD is not a piece of property. It made a small impact but we are still trying. SO..Im I justified in my frustration or should I shut up and count my blessings?


soverysad's picture


smnikki's picture

my mom is kind of pressing the same issues with ss4, and its making things a little stressful.

my mil is satan and a total cunt, but bm allows her to take ss on her weekends. fo dh and i, we dont like to share oue weekends with ss, we like to spend family time together. my mom is constantly trying to take ss on our weekend wants him to spend the night, etc. but the thing is ss is not really comfortable with that because mil brainwashed him that he should only spend the night with her if dh or bm isnt there. my mom acts like her feelings are hurt, and it pisses me off because there is nothing i can do, i feel like she is too sensitive, she will have her own grand children soon enough that she wont have to share with mil.

IslandofDreams's picture

First, I have to say that you are very lucky to have not one but two sets of grandparents who are so willing to spend time with SD after BM's abandonment. Obviously, they are OVER compensating for BM's failures.

Second - You need to set boundries! You and Hubby are the childs parents now (since BM is out of the picture). Grandparents will always spoil the grandkids. It is the parents role to raise the child. You need to voice your concerns to grandparents saying "We are trying to teach SD to eat properly, only two pieces of candy a day" or "SD is being taught to speak to adults with respect, we do not allow her to order adults around".

Spending an entire weekend with grandparents is too much! When do you get time with SD except during the hectic week?

iwishyouwould's picture

we have grandparent issues too.
Bm's parents buy clothing for ss to keep at their house, but have never offered to help in any way with regards to anything for ss in his daily life; what they do buy him, that has made its way to our house, is extremely cheap and usually falls apart after a week. when they see him, we are not allowed at their house and he spends the weekend with them alone - then comes home and says that he "lives there". Bm's parents lie to us or simply omit facts - bm was living with them for about a month and they asked to see ss, told us that bm was not there, etc (this wouldnt be an issue except that she kidnapped him and has threatened to many many times). my parents dote on ss but my mother does not respect our rules in any way whatso ever. dh will expressly tell her not to buy him anything (if they go to the grocery together for example) and ss will come back with ten different things; my mother will interject herself when i discipline ss and put me down in front of him. dh's parents LOATHE bm's parents; his family will not go to any function that they will be at and vice versa. My parents will not go to any funtion that bm's parents will be at, and vice versa. We have been discussing an overhaul to this entire situation... are in the process of figuring it out right now.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."