bad or good options please?
so DH and I have been talking about the BS going on with his kids. He agrees being too soft and standing up for himself or for me. I have been with this man for 10 years and I am honestly tired and ready to move on without him and he can go back to his dear family and htey can have him. He doesnt want to leave me and says he wants to fix it. we are trying to figure out ways to for him to resolve some od these issues so that we all get along - not expecting family vacations etc but be able to visit without all of this pettiness.
please tell me if these are bad ideas, if you have better suggestions, if we should just leave it alone.
He really wants me to be part of his family gatherings, he doesnt want to go without me to visit his family (option I suggested)
1. Should he have a conversation with his kids separately and find out exactly what is going on so that we can focus on what needs to be fixed.
2. Should we have a family meeting - DH, SS, SD, and SM?
3. should we leave it alone and forget it pretend everything is fine?
4. for me to go dark and leave it to them.
any ideas??
thank you!
this has been so therapeutic
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What exactly are your problems?
Just that they dont want to talk to you? If they do not live at home, there may not be much that can be done.
problems...
so the problems havent always been there, it's been more so in the past 2 yeears and mostly with planning visits to their hometown. My DH's daughter had a baby, he wants the baby to call me grandma (guess baby calls BG something else) and I dont think the daughter is ok with that. I feel uncomfortable at times. MIL, SD, SS often call me or text me to ask me when we are coming. My DH is slow at responding. But when I try to coordinate dates etc. it is frustrating because they are always busy. I feel like I'm the one trying to bring DH and his own family together and then I get heat when things dont go well.
SD does not live at home.
SS actually living in DH's house for free while we pay the mortgage (i have a problem with that too)
another issue is sometimes SD is very open and talking sharing and then non responsive for days at time. DH is sick recently diagnosed and sometimes takes me 4 days just to get her to respond so I get irritable and frustrated but I am learning a lot from all of you, I gotta disengage. it is not my job to keep them informed or to help them have a relationship with their father.
I will answer within your
I will answer within your questions below.
He really wants me to be part of his family gatherings, he doesnt want to go without me to visit his family (option I suggested)
This doesn't have to be a winner take all solution. There may well be family gatherings that you do go to.. some you don't. Like.. I don't go to intimate gatherings where his EX will be present. The only exception was his older daughter's wedding. Larger things.. where you don't have to be in close contact.. no problem. IT kind of goes for things with his kids. You can be around them and not be a huge part of things.. for him sometimes.. other times.. you may have competing plans. It's ok to do your own thing occasionally.
1. Should he have a conversation with his kids separately and find out exactly what is going on so that we can focus on what needs to be fixed.
Not really.. because it is likely to not resolve anything. If they are being disrespectful or rude.. he addresses that with them.. if you are being disrespectful or rude to them.. he deals with YOU.
2. Should we have a family meeting - DH, SS, SD, and SM?
Oh.. lort no! Do not put your head in the lion's mouth... I'm sure there are plenty of things that have gone on on all sides.. but this is likely to just result in a BASH session on you. some of it may be warranted.. but you likely won't get your side heard.
3. should we leave it alone and forget it pretend everything is fine?
Not Exactly. I personally think that you owe them an apology for cancelling the father's day event because they wouldn't share their SO contact information with you. It sounds like they may be a bit guarded.. perhaps they think you overstep at times and are trying to set their own boundaries with you. They have that right. But, otherwise, I think it's more of a matter that you need to move forward with adjusted expectations.
You aren't their mother.. I believe they see you as "dad's wife" As such.. you can be at family gatherings.. but they don't feel a strong need to "connect with you" or make you feel as though you are related to "them" in particular. So.. I would kind of ease off on the planning of parties etc.. let your DH manage his contact with his kids. YOu don't have to ignore them.. but you certainly don't have to push them to be part of your life.
4. for me to go dark and leave it to them.
As I mentioned above, you may have to accept that your role with them isn't "motherly" or even close. It doesn't HAVE to be for you to have a good relationship with your husband. You can go to family events.. and treat everyone as "acquaintances".. make small talk, drink wine.. and just basically be there for your DH. If he tends to ditch you.. then you have a right to say... "well, the minute we hit the door, you have no time for me.. your kids don't have much to do with me.. so please go on your own next time. I don't hate your kids, but since you obviously don't need me there.. I'm not sure why you insist I go".
At a certain point, when you have adult Skids.. they have as much right to have the relationship with you that they want.. or don't want.. asyou do with them. I don't think there is anything particular that needs fixing.. other than people need to deal respectfully with each other. That means you don't pry into their lives when they don't want it (getting SO numbers and digging into the GF situation) and they aren't rude to you. You can exist on the surface of the pond.. you don't have to dive deep.
Thank you!
I truly appreaciate you taking the time to explain and give examples of specific situations, seeing it from others point of views really helps to conceptualize my role in this family.
I think my DH has idolized me and wanted me to be a role model and more of a mother figured to his chidlren for many years and the kids maybe resented him and me for that matter. I am not a geat person but in comparison to their BM, I think I was a much better example at least in my DH's eyes.
I would like to know how they feel so that I can begin to see the mistakes I have made and maybe attempt to repair some but I think I may also be a little hurt because as many steps here, we feel unappreciated and used at times. There were times I was there for SD when no one else was, when she got pregnant at 16 and BM had made an appointment for her to have an abortion, DH and I helped her and kept her away so she could have her baby.
SS is staying at DH's house for free, I pay the mortgage. so yes, I feel used and unappreciated but I do care for them and I love my husband. so anything to do to fix it or make things better.
I think I have it right.. his
I think I have it right.. his kids maybe are resentful of the fact that their father moved away from them? That perhaps they put some of the blame for that on your plate.. because it's easier to be mad at "dad's wife" than dad.
I also am sure that you are a perfectly fine and "great person" within your own right. However, your DH maybe needs to dial back HIS expectations on how his kids see you. Just because you are his wife.. doesn't mean you have to take on grandma status etc.. Of course, to the extent you want to do "for" his kids.. it's up to you..but in a way also up to them. If they don't want a closer relationship.. then it is what it is. it's their right. Despite BM being a trainwreck.. that doesn't mean they need or want someone to step up.
I also am an "example" to my skids.. but in a way that isn't trying to force things with them. I give them the relationship they want. YSD 21.. that means we are super close. She calls me randomly and we go on trips with her. OSD.. more distant but pleasant.. she is not as open.. but that is her choice..she also doesn't benefit as much from me either..
SS staying rent free? That is something your DH should probably address if you are footing that bill. You are not obligated to support his kids in any way financially.
So.. by all means.. don't go in with a chip on your shoulder.. but act as a less "interested party" Your DH will need to ramp up his responsiveness with his kids. It's not your responsibility to manage that for him.. I would tell him that it puts you in an awkward spot to be forced to follow up with them on his behalf.. and that HE needs to be more present as a father to them.. because HE is the one that decided to move away.. and that is something HE needs to try to compensate for with them.
hit the nail on the head
agree. I have talked to my husband on and off today. He doesnt want to go back to his old life. He wants to stay here but in order for that to happen WE really needs to make a few changes. I need to stop doing his job as a parent, i.e. birthday, xmas shopping, fathers day and mothers for his parents, and now a granddaughter etc. planning trips, mailing care packages, birthday cards, I do all of that. I will stop.
He needs to have his son start contributing to the house, the additional mortgage is taking a toll on me financially. My husband is sick (CD/UC) so I am the primary bread winner. We could rent the house but he doesnt want to throw his son out. smh
SD texts me randomly, or send pictures of the baby.. or needs something. but I am always willing to help them or be there for them.
thanks again
I am starting to get my sanity back and seemingly creating a plan
love you!
after crying for days. you brought a smile and giggle to my face.
OP, as I said in my other
OP, as I said in my other post, I believe you are overstepping. And so is DH. Just let them have a relationship with their father, and stay back. Stop texting them or getting involved in their dating life. Stop wanting to be grandma or mother, and just be "Dad's wife". Let DH coordinate events, and just stay out of it.
I've never met my SS's GF. DH went out to dinner with them and I was not invited. I did not care, I don't care if I meet her or not. I wasn't uninvited, I probably could have gone if I wanted, but I didn't want. And I would absolutely not ever text SS or her, I don't even know her last name.
Just back off and give them space. They like you, I think, but they need you to back off.
I have never said I want to
I have never said I want to be their mother or grandma! I have 3 daughters of my own, trust me that keepa me busy! My husband has a medical condition so i do take care of a lot of things for him and plan around doctor's appointments etc. that could be a reason why I tend to organize the trips and around my job schedule but you said you werent invited nor uninvited. that is great, my DH would want me there with him, that is just how he is. I agree that his expectation may be higher and need to come down and we will work on that but we can invite and they can decline right? no need for drama. SS texts me on my birthday and mothers day and even sends me cards with 25.00 bucks and have done a few outings together, so our relationship is a little different than yours it seems.
Ok.. I think you do need to
Ok.. I think you do need to think about how this all is going to go.. but from your end.
It sounds like your Skids generally have an "ok" relationship but that there may be a bit of frustration on their end that dad moved. Let them get over it. They will.. be pleasantly neutral. Don't engage on that issue.. try to change their minds.. try to woo them.. just let them figure out the new normal with dad further away.
About planning get-togethers. By all means, if your DH has a hard time with that due to health issues.. you can still help him. You can even send invites to the Skids.. but I think the way you went about trying to get their SO contact information was off-putting and unnecessary. If it's an event where SO's are welcome.. let them know. If your DH just wants it to be his kids.. that's his option as well. let them know THAT. Perhaps over time after a few more events things will be clearer/easier with the GF.
I will tell you of my first experiences with my MIL. She told my DH that I really didn't seem like wife material. They had big family get togethers that made me uncomfortable and awkward. Fortunately, no one really pushed that much and my DH let me attend these things with safety valves to get away on my own when I needed it. Now.. I have a good relationship with my MIL. We don't always agree, but she has a lot more respect and now almost 20 years later has figured out I am a better wife and stepmother than she realized I could be.
I think your DH does need to approach his son about his financial situation. "son, with my health issues, I'm getting in a tight financial space. I will either need to start charging you rent.. or I will need to sell the house..we need to discuss this" THIS is a convo that you stay out of.. your DH needs to be a big boy and take the responsibility for needing this to happen on HIS chin.
OHHHH BOY!
My DH has a big close knit family.. oh by the way, not that it matters but I should mention that my DH is a white southern country male and I am of Hispanic heritage. My Dh's previous relationships have been extremely brief and not very substantive. I think the family was expecting the same, oh he will get tired and move on. Well, years went by and 8 years later on a long distance relationship he literally quit his job and moved after his youngest moved out.
Same with his family, the monthly family gathering to celebrate birthdays, holidays southern potluck partues that I am not used to...but I made do, smile and sit pretty.
The MIL is the matriarch of the family, runs the family including my DH's house. I am strong, independent and retired military officer. I can handle my own. I dont think she really appreciated that I had a voice. She has come around and now I am invited to the annual family beach vacations, and she actually cc me on texts to DH and makes a point to include my daughters etc.
The conversation about the house has been had and the son just ignored it.. LOL yeah.. I think my DH needs to be firm and more direct with his delivery. But DH did have the conversation AGAIN recently and they have come to a start date for SS to start contributing. We dont expect the entire mortgage but at least a portion to help me out.
I literally had to get a part time job so that we are not living pay chek to pay check. I am so frustrated and stressed out. I dont want to be the witch they want me to be but I am so ready to blow. so I keep waiting and our marriage is stressing over something my DH wont do.
I have told DH I am ready to pack up and go. I have a daughter in college, and other 2 in HS. My girls are good kids, smart, and wants things they rightfully deserve and I have to say no because i have to pay for the "other" house. it is just building unecessary resentment towards his son and towards DH.
ahhhh thanks for allowing me to vent!
Maybe a bit different, but
Maybe a bit different, but not as close as you want it to be. You keep talking about what DH wants - this needs to be about the kids and what they want now. He wants you to be a role model, he wants you to be called grandma, he wants you to go to dinner, he wants to speak to skid's SO directly, he wants you to organize. Just breathe and see what develops.
If DH had asked me to go to dinner, I would have gone. But I would not have gotten involved in SS's dating or texted his SO, or any of that.
Do you truly not see that you guys may have caused the drama by asking for their SO's information and then canceling when they wouldn't give it? It's very controlling, really.
I'm not clear on what is so awful here that you would leave.
I have adult skids and I wish
I have adult skids and I wish my relationship with them was better too. But they are generally polite to me. We have the occasional passive aggressive thing, but in general my complaints are few.
DH handles all activities, arrangements, holidays, gifts, etc. If my time or money is involved he consults me—this has been a difficult concept for him because he would rather just do what the skids tell him to do.
DH is free to see his kids whenever he wants to. He just never wants to unless I go with him. Ok, but that’s on him.
His kids come to visit, fine, but I rarely take off work to spend time with them. I am friendly when i’m home, love on the Little’s, etc.
The relationship is for DH to nurture and I stay out of the way.
Yes, exactly this. To me,
Yes, exactly this. To me, this is how it works best with skids.
wonderful
I am typically a loving and nurturing person, I have 3 teenage girls and my house is typically filled with teens, they all call me mom. DH's kids were little when I met him, we used to do things together and then teenage years hit and shit hit the fan, I get it, my girls went through that too... I think their BM has something to do with this.. she is always causing drama.
I used to bring my girls to their family functions, and then I stopped because at first my girls were ok then things got weird and I didnt want to put my kids through that. they all began to ask me when I was going to bring the girls back that they wanted to see them. I just keep making excuses....
I think I just need to disengage as many have suggested. It was a good try but time to admit it did not work. Ironically, cousins and second little cousins literally run to give me hugs when they see me and come sit by me to talk about college or their future etc... (used to be a college advisor).
I feel some comments here have been so judgmental and harsh, I came here for help because I know I have made mistakes and I want to fix me, it, whatever it is. But I do appreciate those of you who have been kind and gentle with your advise.
I am taking it all in!
I think you would be out numbered in
Any family discussion. They will make you the bad persons THEM toe good people. Don’t do that. No good will come from that. MIL has no say in family discussion.
I would not pretend it’s all ok. I would disengage from all of them. As in if they live or died so watt. I would not call them, send them cards, gifts money ect. Make like they have no effect on your life, because they really don’t . It’s your DH who upset, let him fix it. Your DH is the bad parent for letting this happen, now he making it your fault. He caused the problem it’s his to fix
some to share
Thank you . Yes. DH needs to fix the mess that has accumulated over the past 10 years.
SS actually living in DH's
SS actually living in DH's house for free while we pay the mortgage
I literally had to get a part time job so that we are not living pay chek to pay check.
My girls are good kids, smart, and wants things they rightfully deserve and I have to say no because i have to pay for the "other" house.
The only meeting that needs to take place is the one where your husband tells his son he needs to move out or pay the bills for the house that he's living in (or better yet, buy it). I would not have let this happen from the get go, not if it affected me financially.
update you soon
Well, it is suppose to happen on July 1. I will keep you posted. this is why I am so angry that even asking for their SOs phone numbers and they are too arrogant to RESPOND to my texts to say sorry we cannot give you those.... it's what made things worse when I am the one paying for the house you live in and I am sure your SO spends the night every so often...
Many here have misunderstood that. It wasnt that they didnt send me the phone numbers, they didnt respond at all to the texts. they could have say no, sorry.. something, anything, not just ignore me.
Oh, I agree, the flat out
Oh, I agree, the flat out ignoring was just flat out rude.