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Adult skids wont move out

Somebodyhelpme's picture

New here so  if I don't use correct abbreviations apologies in advance. I am desperate for help. I moved in with my fiance two years ago. At the time he told me his two adult sons would be moving out soon. Well here we are two years later and no sign either one is going anywhere. My fiance works nights and is gone a lot. I'm left here with his kids and my 17 year old son. So here is my problem: The oldest is legally blind. Unable to get a drivers license and refuses to take responsibility for his own transportation to and from work. This falls on me or his brother. He spends all his money on motorcycles which he can ride in the dirt. Both skids live like teenagers on summer vacation and blow there money on nothing but fun. My fiance says he can't tell them how to spend their money because they are adults and that they will move out when they are ready. He has no problem with his kids living here for however long it takes. They are both disrespectful to me and take advantage of their dad not being home. They gang up on me.  If one gets upset with me they get the other involved so I'm always outnumbered. I pay half the bills, I buy the food, cook clean all with no thank yous from anyone. They are part of the problem but my fiance is part of the problem too. In his eyes his kids have had it ruff and need to be coddled. I feel like he is enabling them to be irresponsible and can't seem to have a conversation with him about it without it becoming a fight. Just the tip of the iceberg but anyone have any advice on where I start with all of this?

Any feedback is greatly appreciated! I'm about to lose my mind and think about ending the relationship over this every day.

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

You are paying more than your fair share, doing more than your fair share, your husband was not 100% honest about the living situation and he does not listen to or address your concerns.

Somebodyhelpme's picture

I hear you both. However walking away is not what I'm ready to do yet or I would have. There are good things about my relationship as well. I really want to try to work this out before I just throw in the towel. I'm really looking for ideas to help save my relationship.

notasm3's picture

I hear you both. However walking away is not what I'm ready to do yet or I would have.

 

Then quit complaining.  Just lie back down and let them walk all over you like they are doing.  He's a total loser/user.

marblefawn's picture

Well, look at it from their point of view. You moved in there with your kid, not married, no standing other than maid, wallet and sex for dad. Why didn't you wait until they were gone to move in? Why didn't you get married?

Moving in without "that piece of paper," as so many like to call it, gives the appearance that it's temporary and flimsy. It gives you no more standing than they have and probably less because they were there first.

If you want to save the relationship, move out. That will send a message to SO that you mean business about his kids being gone before you'll play house. If you stay, he has what he wants without compromising anything and his kids sense that so they have no reason to play nice.

If you stay and still expect things to change, what is your negotiating leverage? A mere suggestion that they would soon be gone is nothing -- and now you know that.

Your SO's word ain't worth much. You might want to think about that while you slog on beholden to him and his kids. Why marry someone who changed the terms after he got you where he wanted you? It's not a good sign.

But the good news is you know that now, before you got even more stuck by marriage. Back out and let him come to you. Then negotiate hard and get the proof up front before signing on the dotted line.

CLove's picture

Doing anything for the ungrateful lazy brats your fiance raised. Suggest charging them for the things you buy them and suggest to fiance that he stand by you and back you up. You need to stand up to these people, that is the only real thing you can do to save this relationship. People treat you exactly how you allow them to. Dont put up with them being disrespectful! Your SO needs to back you up on that too! Discuss with him what you want and then do it. If you need to - move out until they are gone! Ive read about this really working out quite well.

 

Areyou's picture

I also moved in with him after our engagement. I too have my own teen. His teenage kids were rude and disrespectful, lazy, entitled, did not take him seriously, did not respect our efforts to form a family, had bad attitudes. I was also paying half of everything. First I talked to him about it. That just got him mad. Then  I stopped paying half. I stopped paying for anything that involved his kids. I also disengaged. This brought on a very strong reaction from him at first but within a month or so he stopped being mad about my disengagement and accepted it. Then I moved out. Bought my own place. Told him I would never live with his kids again. That worked. Now they are more polite to me. SD still has her moments but overall things are better. They realize they f’d things  up for their dad. Now I discipline them and tell them what I think, as I please and they are working hard to not mess things up for their dad. I will never live with skids again and I won’t marry him until his kids have launched. He stays at my house a few nights a week and it’s sad for his kids but he sees less of them now because he will leave them alone at home to be with me at my place. I do spend two nights a month or so at his place if we have plans and it just makes sense to stay there instead. But overall we live a separate life from his kids. He knows he has difficult children. He says often that they exhaust him and he tells people he doesn’t enjoy parenting.

Somebodyhelpme's picture

Its nice to hear from someone who has been in the same situation! I drew a line in the sand today after all these comments. I told him I'm no longer the maid. I will no longer inconvenience myself to be a taxi. He understood. Then came the guilt trip. The blind one wants to move out because he thinks I don't like him....and he wont get a fair shake in life if he goes out on his own now... so I said I'll move out. Then the whole song and dance changed. Fiance says his son is just being dramatic. I told him it's not my job to tell your adult kids what they need to do to help it's his job. He agreed. If things don't change I will move out. He suddenly has my back... surprise! I watched him take charge. It was refreshing but I'm not betting it lasts. I'll wait and see but I wont be the doormat anymore that's for sure! I have not married him yet because I made it clear that the skids need to be on their way first. And I wont. Time will tell but the effort was in today with him at my back so I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. Thank you for sharing it helped a lot!

 

ESMOD's picture

There are 5 people in the home.  two are your responsibility and three are his.  Bills should be divided by 3/5 and 2/5ths.  or.. 1/5, 1/5, 1/5 and 2/5ths...the last is your share for you and your son. Also, I would cease to be available for rides for his son.  That is a bridge to far and I don't do favors for adults that dont' treat me or my home with respect.  I would do an equitable job as far as household chores (and your son should be doing a share as well.. he's old enough).  I think it's also time for your DH to sit down with his boys and come up with a plan for moving out.  That may mean they need to live there for a while.. maybe even up to a year to save up and position themselves to be independent... But, even the blind boy has possiblitties to live independently ..on public transportation line etc... 

I would approach your DH with this when you are not fighting and in a calm quiet time.. perhaps when none of the kids are around.

"DH, when we got together, you said that your sons would be moving out shortly.  It has now been more than 2 years and I don't see any plans or sign of them making plans to make that a reality.  Just like I am preparing my son to leave the nest when he is an adult (assuming you plan on having him leave at 18/grad HS to go to college or get a job), I think they may need some guidance from you to help them plan for a more independent life.  I have been patient, but at this point, I am worried that they may never launch and honestly don't want to live in a home with so many adults... especially those that arent' contributing and don't treat me very well.  I know you love them but sometimes part of that is helping them learn to be more self sufficient so they can have fulfilling lives of their own.  Can you tell me when they will be moving out on their own?  Can we agree on a date?"
 

 

Merry's picture

I would have a frank conversation with your fiance. Make it about you and what you need to be happy. You feel taken advantage of. You feel financially responsible for other adults. You feel misled about the living situation. Keep it unemotional and say nothing negative about his kids.

Your fiance and his grown kids are living the way they lived before you moved in. You brought an added cleaning service and transportation service. Yay for them! And I bet in the beginning you were only too happy to accommodate, thinking that they'd "like" you. But now you just feel taken advantage of, and you are correct. So there are choices to make. EIther DH comes up with a plan to launch the "boys" or you stop living the way that's making you miserable. That means anything from disengaging (you no longer cook, clean, provide transportation, pay more than your share, etc.) or you move into a place of your own and either continue the relationship or not. But if nothing changes, well, nothing will change.

See what happens when you discuss this with your fiance. If he calls you selfish, unloving, impatient, ridiculous, etc., then he is showing you that he cares more about HIS OWN COMFORT and that of his kids than he does about you, and he is not a loving partner to you. This is NOT the example you want to set for your son, who is learning from YOU how men treat women.

Find your voice, believe that you are an equal partner in this relationship that feels very one sided. Then change it.

Somebodyhelpme's picture

Thank you for the great advice! I will take it and use it appropriately. I just needed some feedback from people who were experienced and not involved in this mess. Mission accomplished. 

Somebodyhelpme's picture

Happy ending for you! An inspiration. We are not quite in the same position but I have always been self sufficient and he knows I mean business when I say I will move out. Thank you for sharing with me. All the feedback is helping me more than you know. Much appreciated and good for you! You are clearly a strong woman.