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Think I Figured It Out

SilentlyCoping's picture

In my last post I was talking about how my DH had to work OT the next few weeks, including 8 hours on Saturdays.  So, I suggested that even though this is his weekend to have his kids, that he wait until Saturday afternoon, after he gets off work, to pick them up.  Like I said, I told him they come here to see him, not me.  Although he protested and said they are here to see me too.  WIth which I responded, no, they are here to see YOU!  As I mentioned, even though he finally agreed, I felt guilty for not wanting them here. 

As I sat last night and thought about it, I realized that my perspective where DH's kids are concerned has changed drastically over the past three years since I met him.  Yes, I have only been with DH for three years, married just a little over a year.  When I first met him, I was working a full-time job in a professional career.  I had been with my company for 20+ years at that time and worked hard to get where I was.  As I have mentioned before, my DH was working in my home state when we met and would travel back to his home state every other weekend to see his kids.  He had been doing this for over three years when I met him and did it for almost another two before we got married.  Even before we married, he moved in with me in my house back in my home state, which was great!  The first summer we had his kids come stay with us for almost a month.  I was fine for the most part.  As I sit and wonder why, I know it was because I was able to escape to work for most of the day during the week.  So, I didn't have to me arounnd this mopey ass kids (sorry, but they are).  About 9 months before we moved to DH's home state, I sold my home and we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment.  At that time. my boys who were in college were periodically staying with us.  We had DH's kids come visit for 2 weeks over Christmas break that year.  Eight people stuck in this tiny two bedroom apartment. Yes, that was harder to deal with, but I was still better than I am now as I had work once again to escape to.  And, in these two scenarios, DH helped out.  He got home much earlier than I did and so he helped with dinner, laundry, etc.  But that has all changed now!

So, when it came time to make the move to DH's home state, I quit my job of 23+ years and left my family behind so he could be closer to his.  We had talked about the fact that he would be able to spend more time with his kids and I was all for it!  I guess I went into this with rose colored glasses.  Maybe it's the fact that the kids have changed too as they are getting older.  But, I am telling you, I've never had people with the power to bring me down as fast as these kids can.  They are lazy, negative (well, by reading this you'd say I am too I, the lack self-motivation and they are liars and manipulators!  The girls, who are the oldest, are probably the worst.  They pull this sweet little act....oh daddy, oh daddy....makes me want to vomit!

So, yes, over this past year my attitude and feelings towards these kids have changed immensely!  I think it is truly because I resenet the fact that I have become a maid to these kids who are 12, 14, and 17 but who do not by any stretch function at their ages.  I cook for them, clean up after them (their bathroom is always left a disgusting mess even though DH tells them to clean it before they leave (well, he tells them when he remembers).  Other people have to use that bathroom so I end up cleaning it as I am disgusted at the sight of it.  This last time they left, the girls left some feminine hygeine products behind which I found thanks for a VERY fowl smell (sorry for being too graphic here).  Therefore, no only do I need to get out of this house for my need to interact with people more than I have this past year, I need to get out so that it is not convenient anymore for DH.  I do not think he did this maliciously, but I think it became very easy for him to let go of his responsibilties where his kids are concerned and just let someone else deal with them.  Part of it is I don't think he knows how to parent his kids due to his extended absences after his divorce (e.g. only seeing them six days a month for several years). 

I love DH dearly, but I love HIM dearly.  I would be there for those kids if they were hurt or in danger, but I do not feel love for them the way I do their dad...not even close.  I find I just tolerate them.  One will be 18 in December but I know she's years from being able to be out functioning on her own.  The youngest will be 13 in November, so there is at least 5 more years where he is concerned (realistically probably more like 10 LOL).  So, I just take a deep breath, pray I get a job soon (I have been applying like mad and interviewing) and hope that getting out into the work force again will change my perspective and bring DH to realize that HIS kids are HIS responsbility and if he doesn't feel like dealing with it, I am NOT going to be there to deal with it for him.



TrueNorth77's picture

Good for you for saying no. For me, that's the hardest part about the "SM" thing. Not feeling the affection you are "supposed to", and just tolerating skids. Someone told me recently that there is a difference between love and unconditional love. Unconditional love is what a bio parent feels- SM's are lucky to feel love at all. It's hard when DH's somehow expect us to have that unconditional love, which is just not always realistic.

hereiam's picture

You gave up a lot to be with this man, the least he can do is take care of his own damn kids.

Harry's picture

Find a JOB. So you can escape!!!  Volunteer if you have to.  But if you get a job then you can hire a house cleaner  ,person or company to at least clean after the kids leave on Monday.  You have to get out of the house and have alone or adult time even it at work.  Nobody is saying that you hate your SK, but you have to disengage somewhat, like working