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How to help son and father re-connect?

LilyBelle's picture

Hey guys, this is not a step parent topic so much as a parenting topic, but I know many here play both roles.

Background: When my ex and I divorced, he had moved our family to another state under false pretenses, and the divorce took place there. After he told me he was divorcing me, I was able to find a job that was a temporary grant job. In the process of the divorce mediation, I came to the table asking for joint custody, but he gave me full custody and said instead of CS, he would pay the cost of visitation after I moved back to the kids' and my home state. When I said I might not move and I wanted CS if I didn't move, his attorney said if I didn't leave that state, he would fight for full custody. I took what he offered, because custody battles are so bad for the kids and so expensive, and I knew once the divorce papers were signed, he couldn't make me leave the state, and I could go back and modify support later if I needed to do so. I was planning to stay in the state, so that my kids could continue to have a relationship with their Dad. When we were nearby, he had them every other weekend, had dinner with them during the week, went to their school events, and even gave my daughter a ride to school every day. I never talked bad about him or tried to alienate him from the kids, but he made some choices that were really tough for them, and in a way that I was not able to shelter them. In the end, the grant position didn't get renewed, and I couldn't find a good job there, meanwhile offers left and right back home... so kids and I moved home, 1000 miles away. So, in the last 2 years, their Dad has been to visit 3 times. In the meantime, his second marriage lasted 6 months, and he has expressed regret for everything, and he is now moving an hour away from us.

So, to the children, he is almost like a stranger. My daughter, 16, wants nothing to do with him, and has been having nightmares about his return, my son wants to see him, but not too much at once. My son spent a couple of days with his dad last week, and when asked if he wanted to see his dad today, he said, not yet, I just saw him last week.

Anyone here been through sometime similar? What can I do as a custodial parent to help my kids through this transition?

stormabruin's picture

We have been on the side of this with DH & SS trying to reunite. The difference in our situations is that DH was not the one to choose alienation.

Just before his 18th birthday SS decided he wanted to get back in touch with DH. It was scary & it's come a little bit at a time, but they are doing really well now. When they started out, it was meeting for lunch or dinner maybe once a month or two. Enough time to talk about things & get to know each other, but not enough time for things to get out of hand if things went sour. Now SS is spending the weekends with us every 2-3 weeks.

SD will be 16 in September. She struggles with devotion to BM, but she'll test the waters every now & then. When BM gets mad at DH SD tends to revert to the "dad is a POS" mindset & we start all over.

Do what you can to support their getting to know him. Let them know that a relationship with him is important. Their feelings are understandable, but encourage them to spend time with him...even if it does just start with meeting somewhere for dinner. Leave them for an hour or two. Be available if they need to reach you sooner, but dinner would give them some distraction so it wouldn't just be an hour of trying to think of stuff to say.

Maybe counseling would be good for your daughter...something to help her work through the anxiety/nightmares.