I appreciate your insight. I hope it works out for him and makes him more adaptable. I also appreciate that you realize what impact your choices have had on your son. I dont think our BM has that insight. 

SS was devastated when he moved out of state because he lost DH, all of DH's family, and all of BM's family. He went through a really hard time emotionally and BM tried to sweep it under the rug, promising him a new puppy and showering him with presents to make the move "okay" for SS. It took SS 3 years after the move to get that puppy he was promised. BM has always overpromised and underdelivered to get SS to be "okay" with her choices. SS actually broke down to DH last summer about hating his new state, having no real friends, and missing everyone in our state.

He said that BM moved him there and then ignored him, putting all of her focus on GF. This doesn't surprise me because SS spent all his time as his grandparents when he lived in our state; they practically raised him because BM didn't want to be tied down with a child and wanted to be free to live her life. SS says all the time that he is still ignored; BM makes sure he goes to school and has his basic needs met, but that's it, she is emotionally and mentally unavailable for SS because all of her attention is on GF. He is still struggling with it all these years later. 

DH and I have noticed that SS is very hesitant to form close relationships with anyone, even BM, GF, DH and myself. He keeps everyone at an arm's length and I feel like it is a coping mechanism so he doesn't get attached to people he may lose. He just always seems to be on guard and distant. It takes a lot for him to breakdown his walls and actually let people in. 

DH went to court when SS was a baby to establish custody and visitation. Child support was established immediately but it took 2 years to sort out a visitation arrangement. BM withheld visitation for the first 2 years of SS' life because there was no set visitation order. When they tried to settle visitation, BM played the "SS doesn't know DH" card, since she had withheld all contact for 2 years. Because BM and DH were never married, BM was granted sole custody and DH was ordered a few hours of visitation per week. DH continued to go to mediation every year after. No changes in custody were made and there was only an increase of hours at a time of visitation. DH had no overnights, he only had every other Sunday from 9 am to 6 pm, with DH doing all transportation. DH was young; DH was 20 when SS was born, and he didn't have the money to take BM to court again after their first court stint. In 2017, BM told DH she was moving SS out of state so BM could be with her GF. DH sought legal counsel who informed him that there was nothing he could do because BM had sole legal and physical. DH and BM went to mediation to set a long distance CO and BM offered DH one weekend every month and three one week chunks in the summer with BM doing all transportation. DH accepted it because he finally had overnights and BM promised to increase as SS got older. In 2018, BM offered DH every other school break and two two week stints in the summer with each parent doing a leg of transportation. BM said this was her last and final offer. BM had always been high conflict, but we weren't prepared for what came next. 

After the move, BM really ramped up her PAS and she was verbally and emotionally abusing DH via email, limiting visitation, threatening CPS over a forgotten coat, etc. She accused my BIL (whom she and SS have never met) of sexual misconduct. She denied DH the ability to secure daycare and medical attention during our visitation, saying it violated her sole custody. BM's GF took over all parenting. GF was listed as "Father" on all of SS' academic and medical documents, she enrolled SS in daycare and sports, etc. GF was even emailing DH with harassing and threatening emails, trying to assert her role as "parent." At this time, BM encouraged SS to to GF "Mom" and told SS that DH was a sperm donor and that BM and GF were his true parents. BM had SS enrolled in every sport under the sun to prevent visitation. 

DH finally said enough is enough. DH took BM back to court in 2019 for more visitation, joint legal custody, and parental alienation/3rd party interference. DH was asking for reasonable visitation: every other Thanksgiving and Spring break, half of Christmas break, and 6 out of 12 weeks of summer visitation per year. DH spent a year in court, spent $30k, and the judge kept everything exactly as is, no increase in visitation, only giving DH the right to make daycare and medical decisions during our visitation. The judge ordered that sports take precedence over visitation and BM can move DH's visitation around to accomodate SS' sports. DH was not given joint legal. PAS and 3rd party interference was not even acknowledged. The judge's reasoning was "A child needs their mother." The judge told DH to essentially pay his CS and let SS go. The judge offered for DH to retry the case when SS hits middle school, but warned DH that he likely wouldnt alter the order. DH felt so defeated. 

We only wrapped court up last July, so at this point, DH has dropped rope trying to involve himself in decision making. It only makes BM ramp up her PAS. We see SS for CO visitation and we Skype him twice per week, DH pays CS and that's it. DH doesnt want to take BM back to court for any changes. By not involving ourselves, it has kept BM at bay and the abuse and harassment has stopped. We just focus on ourselves and our own life together. It sucks but we have done all we can do.