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9 kids and going crazy

sickofstephell's picture

I am new here. I am so glad that I found a place where I can get to know others in my shoes.

I have 4 kids with my ex (4, 7, 12, 17) and my husband has 5 kids (4, 5, 7, 7, 11) with his ex. We have been married for 6 months. We are the primary home for all 9 kids. At first, we considered ourselves the Brady bunch of the 2000's. It seemed everyone was trying and getting along and happy to be a family. It helped that our combined incomes allowed us to buy a gigantic home with lots of property and perks. All 5 of my husband's children are girls. After living together for 6 months, I have found that girls can be the most conniving, irritating things on the planet. The drama that they cause makes me regret marrying their father. I hate being around them. As soon as they walk into the room, I feel ill.

Their mother doesn't want them. She lives across the country in a van with her boyfriend and she hasn't seen the girls for almost 4 years. They all started to call me mom about a week after I met them (2 years ago). Truth be told, I am tired of being their mom. They aren't out of control or very misbehaved, but 9 kids is too many and I am worn out. My husband is a terrible parent and I didn't know that until we moved in together. He really tricked me into thinking that he was Super Dad, but he is more like Doormat Dad. My name is on the house, his car, our boat, and more. We have joint accounts and credit cards. He has told me that if I file for divorce, he won't make it easy on me. He says that I won't be the second mother to run out on his daughters. I don't know what to do.

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Have you considered therapy of some kind? It might be helpful to find a therapist with experience in blended families to see if they can help your DH be a better parent. Maybe that would help you not feel so overwhelmed.

If Dh won't do that, then find a really good divorce attorney. You don't have any mutual kids, so that will make it a little easier.

Kes's picture

To be honest, if things have deteriorated after only 6 months, to the point where DH is threatening you over divorce terms, then it doesn't look good at all.    I would get rid of the joint accounts immediately and get your ducks in a row, financially.   It's a shame you rushed into this, such that DH was able to "trick" you into thinking he was something he wasn't.  If you'd taken it more slowly you would have been able to observe this for yourself.  As they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure. 

Cooooookies's picture

You are not their second mom.  They only have one mom and it's not your fault she's a loser.

It doesn't look very good if things are falling apart so rapidly.  Tends to not get any better but only worse.  I would personally not stick around and be sick in my own home for any longer.  The benefit of everything being in your name is that you can tell him and the Feral Five to get out.

Lawyer up after getting your name off of any joint accounts so that he can't ruin your credit.  Sell the home and go into a smaller, more affordable one.  You haven't been with him very long and everything's in your name so it will be easy for you...and that's what makes him panic.

No marriage is a good marriage if it exists based on threats and ultimatums.  This guy saw you as a golden ticket to parent his brats and money to get him a decent life.  What a loser.  I'm sorry for your troubles OP.

SteppedOut's picture

Agree with this. 

OP, aside from his kids, he is threatening you that you have to stay married to him? Seriously? 

That little nugget tells me all I need to know. Get out. And get out soon. He is threatening, but honestly, you haven't even been married a year - He can only drag it on for so long. It's not like he can get 1/2 your retirement and alimony. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

your life was the opportunity to have 5 more  children? Would you have willingly  given birth to 5 more children?

It is unlikely that ,the 2 of you can  give 9 children the individual attention that each needs and has a right to expect. Obviously, he wanted a mom for his daughters , and perhaps you felt that your options would be limited with your having 4 children.

None of those reasons were reasons to settle and to marry.

He can make threats but you have only been married for 6 months. Are you willing to keep both yourself and your kids  tied up in a horrid living situation because of the possible complexity of a divorce situation. That would seem to be a way to ensure that your 4 kids would grow to resent you.

It would appear that you have made a serious  mistake . Nothing  will enhance your life by remaining in this situation.

After you free yourself and your children from this fantasy nightmare, you can then have the luxury of exploring in therapy your notion that becoming the "Brady Bunch on Steroids" was a way to enhance or improve your life.

Good luck and Godspeed in making the necessary changes.

 

Gimlet's picture

Five kids and their mom lives in a van down by the river.  There is not enough wine in the world for that situation.

Did she birth the 4 year old and take off immediately after??

Best of luck, OP. You're getting good advice above.

ESMOD's picture

"My name is on the house, his car, our boat, and more. We have joint accounts and credit cards. He has told me that if I file for divorce, he won't make it easy on me. He says that I won't be the second mother to run out on his daughters. I don't know what to do."

1.  Go see a lawyer... see what your options are and get advice on how to protect your finances.

2.  Get "your" money out of the joint checking/savings.  Open an individual acct and have your paycheck direct deposited.

3.  Close joint credit lines/card accts. (tell him you are trying to get debt under control.. as a cover story maybe).

He threatened you.. he is planning on not playing nice.. time for you to look out for yourself and your own kids.. because he certainly won't.

Indigo's picture

Could be a workable cover story & a reality, as well.  Read Dave Ramsey for ideas.  Keep your cards close to your vest.  DH has threatened you and your children.  That is a fact.

Your attention and parenting efforts are diluted from your own children. Their lives are not enriched by having to compete with 5 other children for a parenting moment even if they live in a big house & have a boat. 

Fantasy has run smack-dab into reality.  Make a new plan & figure out how to handle the fall-out moving forward.  Throughout life, we all run into these moments. The decisions & actions we take afterward are the hallmarks of maturity.  Some life lessons seem more expensive than others, but there is an opportunity to recreate your life every day.  I will admit that you seemed to have created an 'over-the-top,' flamboyant learning opportunity! {grin}

Consult a lawyer quickly & quietly.  You and your children deserve better. Good luck

Siemprematahari's picture

He has told me that if I file for divorce, he won't make it easy on me. He says that I won't be the second mother to run out on his daughters. I don't know what to do.

I guess it's safe to say he didn't marry you for love but more as someone to raise his kids because he's too much of a slacker to do it himself. Any man that threatens you is a POS and all bets would be off. Seek the advice you were given above. Go see a lawyer, see what options you have and act accordingly. You already know this marriage is not based on a strong foundation. Wishing you the best!

sickofstephell's picture

Thank you for the support. I am trying to make plans but it's not easy. I will do small steps here and there until I can make an escape.

somethingwicked's picture

OMG..LEAVE..

but I'd  send the BM a case of motor oil for the van.

Geez..how sad.For ALL involved.