DH gets so angry so fast
I've mentioned before, my DH has manic bipolar, and has trouble with his anger when his meds aren't working or he isn't sleeping well.
Yesterday I was watching my show on TV. I only get to do this on my day off when he isn't home, because he doesn't often like the same shows I do. We compromise on what we watch together most days. However, he likes to think of himself as the couch commando and keeps the remote out of my reach unless I demand it.
So I was watching the end of my show when he got home. He immediately groans in protest, and when the show appears to be at its end, he grabs the remote and changes the channel.... right in the middle of the previews, which he knows I like to watch. Without thinking I said "Wait! I want to watch those! Why the f*** did you do that?"
DH immediately changes it back and then gets very silent. When I say thank you and look over at him, he has his "rage eyes" going full blast. (He basically looks like he is about to commit a violent act and is barely holding himself back.) I asked what was the matter and he said "You spoke disrespectfully to me. Now what are we going to do about that? " He glares ragefully at me.
I am used to this behavior when he is off his meds, but as far as I know, he has been taking them except for the stomach flu we both had last week. Usually he doesn't switch so fast from being fine to being angry, so I was taken by surprise. I told him "You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let my frustration get the best of me. I honestly didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was a bit frustrated that you didn't remember that I like to watch the previews."
He then turns the rage eyes on me again, threatening bringing his face close to mine, teeth clenched. This is not at all the way he usually treats me, so I know its the bipolar. He says "The way you spoke to me is UNACCEPTABLE! You WILL APOLOGIZE!!" (Its as if he didn't hear me apologize a second ago, so I remind him that I did apologize.
He continues to ramp up his nonverbal yet threatening body language. I then told him "NO. We are not going to do this again. You need to get your anger under control, because right now there is something seriously wrong with they way you are speaking to me. This is abusive, and I refuse to let you punish me for the next 3 hours over a small verbal slight. That is not normal behavior. I have had your back for the last 10 years, so if you think I don't respect you, you are clearly delusional. I will be upstairs for awhile, reading.You can use this time to calm yourself down, so that we can talk later."
When I came down 30 minutes later, we talked more calmly, and he admitted he flew off the handle. He questioned my use of the word "abusive," because he didn't hit me and said he would never hit me. He also said that I should try not to provoke him when he is angry, because if he did lose control and hit me, then he would feel awful about it.
Whoa. I told him its not my responsiblity to act meekly so as not to provoke his inappropriate rage. Its his responsibility to control himself. I was pissed, too - so I also said "If you ever hit me, you can be assured that I will hit you back as hard as I can and I will do some damage. I may not be able to fend you off, but I will die trying, and I am fine with that. I AM NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO TURNS THE OTHER CHEEK. We will end EACHOTHER. Is that what you want? "
Of course he got very sad and said no. He never would want to hurt me. So we are good now. But oh my god, dealing with the downside of mental illness is freaking hard. I know that the man I am talking to when he gets like that is not really him, but it still makes me angry that I have to deal with that behavior.
- Shieldmaiden's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
{{{{HUGS}}}}
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I'm sorry. I grew up with a
I'm sorry. I grew up with a parent who behaved like this and I hated living in fear of what going home might bring. I didn't dare bring friends home because I never knew what might happen. I'm only beginning to understand that dad might have been bipolar, thanks to you guys.
My mother insisted that the problem was in my mind ... that I was making a fuss about nothing. Sure, it's "nothing" when you go to open the front door and meet your father coming out and he hits you so hard (because you were there?) that your head bounces off of the door jamb.
Do you really want to live like this?
I'm sorry this happened to
I'm sorry this happened to you. You handled it well, but it's still ... a lot.
Shouldn't your DH make an appointment with his doctor or psychiatrist to review his meds when this happens?
This is a specific mood swing
This is a specific mood swing. A psychiatrist should be involved to manage the meds.
DH, bringing your face close
DH, bringing your face close to mine and clenching your teeth is abusive. If you ever hit me, I will call the police. You will be arrested. Being bipolar is an excuse the court will not accept. The jails are full of men with this or similar issues.
All of this!!
All of this!!
I do not know much about bipolar, but from what I understood it is what we used to call manic depressive. I am sure you are much more versed on the peculiarities, shieldmaiden, but the way he snapped with the black (murderous) look in his eyes sounds a bit more like borderline personality disorder.
I have a couple friends with bipolar (once again, I'm not an expert) and they have periods of highs and lows, sometimes seasons. Snapping and becoming enraged on the verge of violence sounds more like a personality disorder.
My 2nd XH is a legit covert narcissist and I will never forget the black eyes and murderous looks. He also could not handle any kind of challenge or "disrespect."
Thank you all
Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot. I know DH and I have a wierd dynamic, but I feel like if I don't stand up to him, it will give the "changeling" a better foothold. I He is seeing his doctor this week.
I am the kind of person that really doesn't want to admit when I am afraid. Showing weakness never turned out well with my mom and her mental issues, so I learned to yell instead of cry.
I was a little afraid yesterday because of how quickly his bad mood came on, but once I realized it wasn't the person I love threatening me, I realized I needed to shut him down, fast - before the hurt feelings snowballed into more and more rage. Thankfully, it worked. I drew the line and told him he can't put the responsibility for controlling his anger on me. That's on him. He agreed.
I think I also shocked him a bit with my vow to go down swinging. He isn't used to people standing up to him. He's a formidable guy - physically, intellectually, and verbally. Even his bosses at work are afraid to piss him off. Then there's me.... middle aged soccer mom telling him I will f**k him up if its the last thing I do. Kinda funny if you think about it. But still, I wish I didn't have to go there.
My exH had that look. I
My exH had that look. I remember when we first met he had this way of making crowds part. People didn't just "bump" into him. I thought it was him being protective of me. I never imagined that it would be turned on me. It started very much like you are describing but didn't stay that way. I know you think you have him somewhat handled, but you don't. That rage behind his eyes... that isn't controlled. I fear for the day that he unleashes on you.
Dealing with a parent who has a mental illness can possibly think you know what you are dealing with, and you do more than most, but this man is not safe. I am saying this out of support of you and fear for your life and safety. I hope you don't see it as attacking him or anything like that.
Like you, I also felt
Like you, I also felt protected when my 2nd XH was ready to challenge anyone who got in our way or meant harm to me. My first husband would not have taken a bullet for me and I am sure he would duck behind me to protect himself. So, at first, it seemed terribly romantic that a man would fight anyone for me. As I got to know his dark side, I liked to paint it uber romantic and think that he was a monster (think Dracula) that only I could love into submission. Nope. He was a monster and the only special about me was that he felt comfortable behaving like a monster to ME and everyone else thought he was the greatest guy.
It's not funny. Putting up with his abuse shouldn't make you feel like you're special because YOU understand him and know how to handle his dark moods.
The fact he hissed at you through clenched teeth with his face right in front of yours is clue enough that one day, you could get hurt.
My first husband would not
My first husband would not have taken a bullet for me and I am sure he would duck behind me to protect himself.
This made me laugh because I feel the same way about my DH, but nobody wants to be a bullet sponge honestly.
It's not funny. Putting up with his abuse shouldn't make you feel like you're special because YOU understand him and know how to handle his dark moods.
Excellent point there is nothing good about any of this, especially after he went after her father and tried to annihilate him and his name to his spouse.
We can agree that no one
We can agree that no one wants to be a bullet sponge, BUT, my first husband wasn't protective at all. He was more inclined to hide behind me or trip me so a zombie could catch me instead of him. LOL
Most moms know the instinct we have to put our lives in danger to save our children. I'm not even sure my first husband would have the courage to do that for our children.
That behavior would scare the
That behavior would scare the ever loving sh*t out of me. Did you figure out why it happened? Was he not taking his meds? Is his appointment this week to get his meds adjusted? I would want to go with him to that appointment tp describe to his psychiatrist what had happened and get some advice for myself as to how to handle it when it happens again and to make sure the meds are being reconsidered/adjusted. That whole incident is downright scary.
Thanks.
Justmakingthebest: Was I a little scared? Yes. Do I think he will hurt me? No. We've been together for over 10 years and he has always had moments like this, but he did come to his senses later. I usually try to de-escalate and walk away. I just got a little peeved yesterday because I didnt' want to spend my evening fighting with him for hours. I decided to call his bluff and draw a line in the sand. It worked. I realize it might not have been the smartest move, but I am not perfect either. I hear you, though.
NDC: He said he would ask his doctor about his meds, and he offered this - so I know he really did freak himself out too. The good think about growing up with one insane parent and one very sane parent, is that you learn the difference, and you learn to draw a line when things get out of control. Thank goodness for my dad, who was always in my corner.
My husband isnt bipolar but
My husband isnt bipolar but has other issues like ADHD and such. He comes in while i am watching something and changes it to what he wants without asking or caring. He also never lets the remote away from him when watching tv and everyone has to watch what he picks
I gave up on all this years ago and I have my own tv in my room and that is where I retreat to watch my shows and stuff.
We do watch things together but its stuff that he picks. His reasoning is that his choice is considerate of me and him but when I choose, i dont ever pick stuff he likes and its "too girly"
Get your own tv! It will never work! Resign yourself to the situation if you want to get some peace of mind
I'm so sorry to hear you went
I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Goofy has bipolar disorder and I imagine it can be very stressful at times. I barely know him (met him twice so far) and have already heard stories that indicate to me he has a rage problem as well. His meds supposedly work but who really knows....
My EXH could really be a type
My EXH could really be a type A AH. He would get angry. and he had hard times managing his emotions.. he wanted to say "it's my brain messed up.. I can't help it."
I plainly told him at one point.. when we briefly broke up before we got married.
"Look.. the fact is that when you act abusive towards me (not physical).. demean me etc... it doesn't matter really WHY.. it matters that it is HAPPENING".. that if he has issues managing his emotions.. that it is HIS responsibility to fix it because I was not going to live being his emotional punching bag.. and he wasn't going to get a pass from me because that was how his brain was wired...
Of course.. the old story goes.. he really worked at being "better" and WAS better for a while.. but slowly his guard came down after we were married.. and I just got tired of being married to an emotional toddler. We had friends who wanted to know why we didn't have kids yet.. I said.. I didn't want to deal with two kids (meaning husband was one..haha).
So.. we eventually divorced.. after he cheated on me (found out that he told her I was cheating.. um.. nope). and I was just done at that point.. done with making excuses.. done being the adult.. the reasonable one.. the one to let him have his way.. done being married to a big baby...who yeah.. couldn't find socks and unders in the morning without my help.. I did it all from lawncare.. to cooking.. to being the steady wage earner (surprise surprise that he had a hard time keeping a job with his stellar emotional immaturity).. and all the while getting a steady stream of mansplaining advice and demeaning comments (like he would say I looked like a homeless person and he was embarassed to be seen with me if I made the grave error of having my hair tucked in the collar of my coat by accident).
So I was so done and over that.. and there had to be worse things than being alone.. and he was it.
The thing is that I knew he had had some alcohol issues years before we got married that resulted in some pretty crazy police involvement.. and he was sober when we met.. and never drank the time I knew him. Since we divorced.. he has actually started drinking.. I saw where he recently got arrested for drunk driving.. and relatedly refused a breathalyzer.. and assaulted LEOs both at the scene and during booking at the jail. so.. nope.. he has not improved with age.. now in his mid 50's and still doing DA things.
Why is he off his meds ?
There no controlling a bipolar off medication. He can't control himself, you can't make any sense of his actions because his actions don't make sense. There is no sense to his actions. That why he bipolar
No good advice or words, but
No good advice or words, but I'm sorry that happened and I can imagine how scary it is when it's your partner and there are all these variables. Hoping this gets under control again and not a regular occurance.
If you were my daughter and
If you were my daughter and told me this had happened I would do everything I could to get you away from this man and detoxed from the mindset that this type of behavior is acceptable and excusable because he has a mental health issue. There is nothing "sexy" about this, there is nothing admirable in stating "I will swing back if he starts swinging", it's all dysfunctional and sad honestly.
Wierd
Wierd. I never said it was "sexy". You said that. Why would it be sexy? I'm sorry you find my relationship sad. Good thing that its my relationship and I am the one who has to deal with it. No need to judge me. I am only doing the best I can.
You are right there is
You are right there is nothing "sexy" about his behavior I misused that word, I guess I just don’t understand the appeal given this and other past issues. I'm sorry if you took my comments for judgement. For me what is sad is you excusing his behavior and feeling like you need to apologize for it. I don't view you as sad, the situation is sad.
You might have gotten "sexy"
You might have gotten "sexy" from my post where I said I, at first, thought it was uber romantic (and sexy) to be with a powerful monster (think Dracula) - that the reason vampires and werewolves were sexy is because they have the power to hurt you but keep it under control because they love you. I thought I was special because only I could love the monster into submission. But then I learned how un romantic (sexy) it was when he saved his worst for me.
Yes that is where I inferred
Yes that is where I inferred if from, for some reason I thought OP had said that, sorry, thank you for the clarification.
Thanks
Thanks. I understand what you meant now. I want to make sure that I apologize when I am wrong because I too, can lose my temper and say mean things. You are right in that DH needs to change, and that his mental illness is no excuse for this behavior.