When your child is the skid that the step parent can't stand....please help :(
Short background...SS4, DD6, DS1. DD6 is not DHs. Anyway, DD6 has always had some issues. She was diagnosed ADHD last year but the program we went through was junk and left it. After DS1 was born, DD6 behavior turned around dramatically until the past few months. DD6 is getting more and more out of control. She is very angry, has alot of hatred towards herself and others, is just out right defiant. She is worse with DH and SS, WAY WAY WAY worse. DH wanted me to let him "take control" as DD6 never had a father figure and he thought he could "fix it". I tried to give him that but I keep pointing out to him, when the kids aren't around, that he is overly punishing DD6 yet SS4 is tormenting her and pushing her on and he doesn't even get spoken to. For example- all 3 kids in the backseat, DD^6 in the middle. She says SS4 hit her in the head with his head. DH straight out told her she was lying and she needs to stop making up stories. 2 seconds later DH and I both look back at the same time and SS4 is hitting DD in the head. I whispered to DH that maybe he should apologize as clearly he was hitting her. He said no that SS did not hit her the first time and that DD was lying. DD starts crying, which is odd bc she is usually full of rage. We get home, she refuses to get out of the car. It looked like DH was being rude to her so I went over and said "what are u yelling at her when she is crying" (ok I was wrong for saying anything) he then calls me a fucking bitch in front of both of my bios and storms away. DD comes into the kitchen while I'm cooking dinner and SS starts to torment her. Well, DD LOST IT...I mean she was so hysterical that I was terrified. DH tried talking to her and SS was still trying to mess with her and I freaked. I told DH that she is having some sort of psychitic break and to just leave her alone. I made her a plate and took her outside. I then went to my neighbors who is a social worker and started talking to her about what I should do (I already have a psychiatrist appt for DD). DH starts sending me nasty text messages and after we got inside the house was making rude statements to DD6. He is always being sarcasticly rude to her, he gets mad when she says she doesn't believe in God (I mean FUMING), they are always in constant debates. DD dislikes him I believe bc she sees SS get away with murder and DH yells at her FOR EVERY SINGLE THING SHE DOES WRONG. Now, I get it to an extent. I dont like SS. He interferes with my life and I could seriously live without ever seeing him again. I'm assuming that is how DH is feeling about DD BUT instead of disengaging like I did, he is going completely over the top. Again, DD NEEDS help, she has alot of angry and self hatred, etc. But I feel like us always yelling at her trying to "fix it" or "put some fear into her" is going to push her over the edge completely. Quite frankly I'm tired of watching SS cry and get away with everything and DD gets scolded for leaving the door open or for walking near SS. After he made his comments to DD6, I snatched her up and went to my moms. I felt bad leaving DS1 but thought it would be best for him (he cant be outside bc of sickness) to stay home. I told my mother there was a good chance I would be back tomorrow iwth my bags. I just don't think there is any reasoning with DH. He makes me feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. I am doing the best I know how with DD, I really really am but I can't just let go and give him control when I dont agree with what he is doing. I fear for DD. I don't know what exactly started her issues but I need to help fix them. I know DH wants her to get the help but he is going about it the completely wrong way. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay. I don't want to share custody of DS1...I just don't want any of the mess that comes from breaking up a blended family. I wish there was a way to get DH to understand I'm not trying to give DD a scapegoat to punishment but she has already cut herself on purpose before I just don't want her to hurt herself. I don't want to be the reason something bad happens to her. I just think we should stop yelling ALL OF THE TIME at her until we see the psychiatrist and maybe they can shed some light onto what is going on with her. Sooo ladies, as most of us are the evil SMs, do you think DH is right? Should I give him more control? From what he says, he feels the same way most of us do about DH and Skids and "guilty parenting". I might guilty parent some but in a situation like this, where I fear for her safety and mental health, I think it's ok to cut the kid some slack. Sorry this was so long but I am truley at a loss for what to do next.