Argggg !!!
Hello everyone AGAIN- I'm sorry for posting twice in one day, but this site has been my rescue.
After my first post I took everyone's advice and I sat down with my DH. I laid it all out. I explained how he needs to step up in the parenting department, and needs to disapline. Not just disapline but not to follow up with " oh but I love you." He disaplins and within 2 seconds it's the above line.
The HD got offended and said " I'm trying, I agree but you are to harsh. You just don't like my kids. It's not like yours a saint all the time."
I agreed on the saint part but I disapline mine ASAP when they give attidue towards their step dad.
My SS ripped the remote out of my sons hand today without any cause, my DH said " Hey just put your show on and give it back to him."
Here is a thought don't rip anything out of anyone's hand. SS didn't even have to apologize.
Someone mentioned guilt that my DH has for his kids....yup 100% I see it clearly now.
(He had an affair on his first wife with his second wife and left his first 3 kids.)
When I look at my skids my stomach turns, I hate feeling so angry. Kids don't deserve that, but I'm fed up.
Today we had 6 out of the 10 kids here, he went and had a hot bath, then fell asleep on the couch. I fed the kids, did the dishes ( dishwasher shit the bed yesterday), and now I'm going to be doing bedtime.
My skids are going to cause my marriage to fall apart !
"You hate my kids"
That's a typical response heard all the time when SPs bring up issues.
Haha, you got a line straight
Haha, you got a line straight from the divorced Disney dad playbook. Typical. Things won't improve until your H adjusts his attitude and makes major changes. It's your husband, not the skids, who will cause your marriage to fall apart. Put the blame where it belongs.
Agreed totally ! I don't rely
Agreed !!! I don't rely on my H, if I had to I could do this on my own. I'm a registered nurse with a speciality for Pete sakes !!! We do not have kids together either.
I do love him but something has to change.
It always shuts my DH up when
It always shuts my DH up when he uses the "you hate my kid" line and I counter by throwing it onto him:
No I hate the uncertainty of custody
No I hate how spineless you act around BM
No I hate cleaning up after SD
No I hate that when she's here for the weekend I have no say in what we do or what we eat!
No I hate that you act differently when she's around
No I hate interacting with BM.
(I do hate SD but I would never tell him that and have a lot of reasons why it's my DHs fault!)
OP, honestly, I don't think a
OP, honestly, I don't think a saint could make a 10-kid blended family work. I'm not sure what was so wonderful about him that you were willing to try, but it definitely won't work if he's going to be a lazy Disney Dad who can't set limits because he feels guilty. Why are you putting your own kids through this circus?
That the BP line to SP
You hate my kids, you don't love my kids, you don't do, and or spend enough on my kids.
They try to guilt you. You did not make there kids. They choose to have these kids with there ex. They divorce there ex. It's up to them to parent there kids to be people not animals.
That not your fault. If they don't shape up there will be another divorce and. New story's for the next GF
DH has never told me 'you
DH has never told me 'you just hate my kids' but he has said I'm too harsh, too authortarian, they are 'just kids' etc., etc., etc. So I just disengaged further. If he ever gets to the point when we are having a calm, rational discussion and ends up blaming ME for my reactions to a perfectly unhealthly or unreasonable situation that conversation is OVER and I note to myself, "Welp, he's on his own for that thing from now on." But I've had a lot of experience with disengaging. It backfires to get involved every.single.time.
If DH decides to go do something on his own, not coming home until it's too late for him to cook dinner, I'll microwave something none of us really want and that's it - but I'm on the verge of not cooking a thing again (did this the other day, we didn't eat dinner until almost 8:00 because I think he thought I'd just do it, NOPE). As for cleaning up, never, ever clean up after skids or DH unless there is a reasonable explanation of why you need to - NOT because someone decided to shirk their part in helping. Ever.
I don't mean to be
I don't mean to be argumentative, but after reading your previous post, I'd like to make a couple of corrections.
First of all, you are not a mom of ten, and thinking that way causes a lot of needless SM suffering. You are a mother of four, and are ONLY responsible for your bios.
It is your H's responsibility to take care of his kids during his custody time, so when you do that for him, it puts your relationship out of balance. Second/third marriages are different in many ways, and work best when everyone knows what their role is, stays in their lane, and handles their own responsibilities. You handle/support your kids, he handles/supports his; otherwise resentment grows. Nice people get used up fast in steplife, so you have to have strong boundaries. Don't martyr yourself in the mistaken belief that you're being a good wifey/team player.
Secondly, It's easy to fall into the trap of blaming BM for everything, but those skids behave as they do BECAUSE YOUR H ALLOWS IT. He is just as much to blame for his feral kids as she is. Kids know every one of their parents' weaknesses, and you can bet your skids know their dad is a lazy, guilty parent.
Thirdly, him napping while you take care of HIS kids is a HUGE no no; he's taking advantage of you, and you're rewarding bad behavior by picking up his slack. Remember, his kids are there to spend time with their dad; and the more you do for his, the less you're doing for your own.
Lastly, and I'm trying to be gentle here, your H is on his THIRD marriage, so don't put him on a pedestal or assume you can trust his judgement. Again, it's easy to blame exes, but it takes two to kill a marriage and your H clearly has some bad habits. He's already dumping his parenting responsibilities on you! The divorce rate for third marriages is estimated to be around seventy-four percent, so unless you want to be a statistic you'd better tell him to knock off the gaslighting and to start parenting his kids.
Keep you priorities straight: your kids, then your self. Your kids deserve to grow up in a calm, stable environment. Quit with the doormat martyr stuff, hold your H accountable, and see if he's able to turn things around. If not, move on. Your kids will thank you.
Thank you everyone !
First of I would like to thank each and everyone for your comments and support. My apologies it's taken me a few days to respond. I was on a crazy 4 day rotation.
I have thought long and hard about each and everyone's comments. I also decided I would sit down with my H and have a very serious talk.
I laid all of these concerns out for him and told him no change marriage is over.
He listened and for once didn't pull the Disney card.
The only time he argued was about his one son with special needs. I told him by letting the SS get away with everything you are not doing him any favours. I also told him he is my biggest issue. My SS is an instigator who needs serious disapline, no matter what his IQ is.
My situation is unique yes, but that doesn't mean I have to let things slide.
My H is on his third marriage due to infidelity from his ex spouses. They both had affairs. I met my H when I was still married to my ex and he was married to his. We were all friends. Till our ex spouses had an affair with each other. Yup you read that right they had an affair and our marriages fell apart.
As time went on we have all put our differences aside and are friends.
No, your skids are not going
No, your skids are not going to cause your marriage to fall apart. That will be the fault of your idiot husband.
smh
TIme for DH to step up, parent, and to actually be your mate rather than failed man and father that he is.
As for you, it is time for you to gain clarity on where exactly the cause of your marriage to fail will come from. It isn't the ill parented Skids, it is the idiot who has failed to parent them.