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OK need some advice on how to handle this.....

Shell97's picture

OK, most of you know the situation with my SD15. Well, we have been having some problems with her since she came to live with us in August. We have been able to work out solutions to most of them but one. She is constantly making out with guys that she likes, but has just met. My DH has talked to her about this, her BM has talked to her about this, and her therapist has also talked to her about this too. Well, we went to a friends house over the weekend and SD15 & BS11 decided that they wanted to spend the night with our friends kids. So, we said ok. Well, another friend of all of ours was there with his 2 boys also. DH & I left. Our friend with the 2 boys, left several hours after DH & I. Well the friend who our kids stayed with, his oldest daughter brought our kids home Sunday afternoon. Like planned when we agreed to let our kids stay. After she left, Sd15 proceeded to tell us that she likes the one boy who was there. Which we kind of figured out before we ever left Saturday. Then went on to say that she kissed him. DH & I were in shock, considering our talk we had with SD15 last weekend about this. She had just meet our friends son Saturday afternoon and by Saturday night after we left, they were making out. She knows that she is not to be doing this, that it is wrong to make out with someone she just met. But she continues to do it over and over.

Well since DH, BM, & the therapist has talked to her about this....DH wants me to try and talk to her about it. I agreed to, but I am not quit sure how to go about it. Because she knows she shouldn't be doing it and I'm afraid that I may go off on her. Because she will try to use the same excuses with me that she does with DH and BM. Any advice would be helpful. I am suppose to talk with her when she gets home from school, which is in about 15-20 minutes.

Comments

Purpleflower09's picture

Oh God and this makes my heart skip a beat because my SD11 is boy crazy and likes boys. My husband is literally going grey over raising a daughter and sometimes I have to laugh. I told him she is a girl and she WILL like boys. However, because BM is a real slut and has no morals and I was raised with very high morals...i never even started dating or even held hands with a guy until I was 21 ( my parents scared the ever loving Christ out of me about getting pregant before I was married )I had a little talk with my SD. I told her she was a beautiful and intelligent girl who is very much loved. And she should have high respect for herself and others. And if a boy does something to her or talks to her in a way that is not appropriate or touches her in a way that is WRONG then she is to tell an adult and tell him to stop. She started her period about a month ago and FREAKED OUT she was screaming. Apparently her mother never talked to her about that. All her mother said was " once you start bleeding down there your a woman". Like WTF kind of talk is that. So here is little old me...going through evertything with her i explained why this was happening, what was happening, all that stuff. Long comment made short, i feel if a child is educated and well informed they can make sound choices. Explain to your SD that these actions, although may seem innocent to her, that kissing, touching and sex are not ways to get boys to like her and others may see her in a not so nice light. She should be taught that if she likes a boy, she should have respect for herself in order for him to respect her. The battle is huge, I seen my mother go through it with my eldest sister who got pregant at 18, dropped out of school and is still struggling even though she is 38 today. I pray for you and I pray you find the right words to get through to her, right now she is thinking with her hermones ands her boy crazy brain. My husband alsmot had a heart attack when he founf out his 11 year old daughter was "dating" someone.

Purpleflower

imagr8tma's picture

OMG - I also pray you find the right words to tell her and that she receives them well. Her actions now could lead to a very troublesome teenage life and early adulthood.

I hope she grows out of that and puts the breaks on sexuality at that age.

I don't know what else to say on that other then letting her know the dire consequences from her actions.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

Purpleflower09's picture

AND...just to add...BM's husband ( they are now divorced) says to my husband one day " you know your daughter is going to screw some guy one day so get used to the idea" Only he did not use the word "screw" he used another prfane name. It's a good thing my husband was 3 hours away because he would have dropped kicked him in the skull for saying that about his young daughter.

Purpleflower

SoTired1's picture

SoTired1

The first thing comes to my mind is Meningitis Immunization for Adolescents. Can you say, "Meningococcal?" Call me old-fashioned but that's just too much kissing for me to digest. There's a name for females that behave the way your SD15 is behaving & she's the type of girl that young adolescent boys enjoy meeting. I've had this talk with my god-daughter (who listened) & my SD18 who did not listen. My words consisted of this. . . "god-daughter (SD18), you only have one-name & one-opportunity to keep your name clean. Once it's tarnished, you'll always be remembered as that girl who. . this or that!" I told them that even if they turned their lives around after their school years, they'd always be remembered as the girl who put-out that the reputation would always follow them. I told them that these young boys were merely experimenting with girls in school (gathering notches in their belts) & that they shouldn't fall prey to this type of behavior. Your SD15 sounds like she's just a fast little girl. Something is missing in her life & she's striving for attention in any way possible. It appears that all parents involved have taken many actions to help their child to no avail. SD15 has to want & realize that her behavior is not good & harmful to herself. Just for the record, my first-cousin died last year (at the age of 36); full-blown AIDS. She was 18-years-old when she was diagnosed HIV-positive. She kept her secret to herself for all those years (not even telling her mother), we never knew. And guess what, she was fast too. By the way, 'fast' means easy, puts-out to a variety of guys. That's not a good way to be; it's too much out there to be contracted (HIV/AIDS does not age-discriminate). If I were you, I would seriously look into having her vaccinated; Meningitis Immunization for Adolescents (Meningococcal). It does not prevent HIV/AIDS, therefore, I would have a long talk with her about her risky behavior. Good luck to you.

StepChicka's picture

I would ask SD15 what she hopes to get out of kissing these boys? Is she just having fun, does the attention make her feel loved? If its the latter, Dad needs to talk to her some more about what goes on in boys horny minds. Its not love that's for sure. If its fun she's seeking then one can only reiderate so much about the consequenses of being known as easy. Maybe kick it up a notch by mentioning that those girls reputations will become known to those that can really hurt her. Crazy boys can stoop to very seedy levels and there are all kinds of substances that can land her in serious danger.

Perhaps a daddy-daughter date could give her an idea how she should be treated by the opposite sex. On that note, there should time set aside often for SD15 to spend time with her Dad only. Almost every friend of mine who waited out the boy-crazy phase had fathers who put aside time for just them periodically. If Dad is already doing this then maybe more often. Good luck and keep us posted dear.

buttercup123's picture

She likes attention, and even negative attention is fine by her. More therapy is needed.

People escalate and as she gets older she may sleep around.

Shell97's picture

Thank you all for the advice. I did have a talk with her yesterday when she got home from school. I started off by telling her that this behavior of kissing every guy she meets & thinks is "hot" and letting some of them feel her up, is going to lead people to think she is easy, a slut, and/or a whore. Which her father & I know she isn't, but by doing what she is, is going to give her that reputation. I also told her that one of these times she is going to be kissing & making out with the wrong guy who is not going to take NO for an answer & he will rape her. She then tried the "so-n-so is different, he treats me with respect." I said to her, how can a treat you with respect, if you kiss him or make out with him after knowing him for only a few hours? Her reply was, "Your right, he can't. He just wants more." Then I told her how I acted when I first meet her father. That I waited almost 2 weeks before I even kissed him and also waited almost 2 months before we had sex for the first time. I told her that is the only way to have a guy truly respect you. To make them wait. If they wait, then they do have respect for you. If they don't, then they are not the type of guy you want to have in your life. She was very open with me about everything and I was very open with her about everything. I know that she is going to make her own mistakes, but I told that I feel if I share with her some of mine that I made, it may prevent her from doing the same thing. She agreed with me. She also said that she feels more comfortably talking to me about these types of things, because I don't react the way BM or DH does. Which I talked to DH last night about the way he sometimes reacts to certain things and he is going to work on it. But after my talk with her, DH, myself, & SD15 had another talk about it. And we've worked out some more ground rules that will be in forced in our home and she didn't seem to have any problems with any of them. So I'm hoping for the best and hoping that everything we said to her last night works.

Thank all of you for your advice.

StepChicka's picture

Kudos to you Shell97. SD15 can relate to you and you're setting great example for her.