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Had some time to turn things over in my Mind Palace (for your Sherlock lovers)

Shaman29's picture

My life has taken a twist in the last few months. Not completely sure how I’m feeling about the ways things have turned out. This is a bit long but it’s the first time I’ve tried to organize my thoughts in the last month.

I met H about 7 years ago. We started dating. Got along well. I was attracted to his intelligence, how he cared about his family (not just the skid, but his mother and extended family), sense of humor and how grounded he was (or I thought he was). I was also attracted to him physically as well.

We waited several months before getting physical. I won’t bore you with details. We took every stage of our relationship very slowly. At the time I thought he was thoughtful and romantic.

After we consummated the physical part of the relationship and believed things were going well, I met the skid. She seemed nice. She was 10, going on 11. However I missed the red flags in the relationship between H and skid.

1. He still served her food to her, like their home was a restaurant. Huge portions much too big for a 10 year old child. She ate about a 1/3 of the food and the rest would be wasted. When I pointed out he was giving her man sized portions and should cut back, he claimed that was the way I’ve always done it.
2. He allowed her to speak to adults as though she was an adult. He was proud that she was a chip off the old block. He told me he explained to her that not all adults appreciate it and she would have to figure out which ones don’t like it. I immediately spoke up and said I don’t like it and if she spoke to me as an equal I would go ballistic on both of them. I also pointed out that none of his friends would ever say s**t to him about it because they were intimidated by him and he was protective of his kid.
3. He did her laundry for her and cleaned up after her. She never helped him out around the house and he even cleaned her room for her.
4. He ran his big life decisions by her, seeking her approval and discussing them with her. He continues to do this.

I wish I had been on this site before we married. I definitely wouldn’t have accepted his proposal and I wouldn’t have moved in with him. At the time we married I was under an incredible amount of work pressure, as well as huge pressure in life. We had moved in together, we were engaged and he was going after custody of skid (he told me, didn’t ask me how I felt about it). I started to feel depressed and pressured and I sat him down and told him I wanted to postpone getting married. I said we should wait and see how things work out if he gets custody and then plan a real wedding instead of forcing one. He gave me an ultimatum, marriage or break up. I should have broken up with him, however with all of the stress and depression I felt backed against a wall and agreed to marry him. My mistake.

Looking back I can see every mistake and decision made in poor judgment on my part. Which led to my current situation. I trained H to treat me a certain way and I trained him through my actions that the way he treated me is okay.

And he treats me like a child. The last six years weren’t about our relationship. They were about his relationship with the skid. For six years my life revolved around H and the skid. I adjusted, not them. I adapted, not them. I made the life changes, not them. This entire time I squeezed myself into a role I was ill suited to take on and be successful. I gave up my voice and my rights as though they didn’t matter one little bit. Additionally, I missed one of the biggest red flags, H doesn’t truly listen to me. He hears what he wants to hear and picks out points and throws them in my face later.

My health plummeted, I gained weight, my insomnia went from acute to chronic, more headaches and migraines. But the most telling thing was I stopped caring about clutter and messes. My personal papers, organizing my mail, my things became messy and disorganized. I have been feeling depressed and confused and lost for so long. I was constantly exhausted and could barely tie my shoes or make a decision. For years I waffled on nearly every decision because I was too tired to fight.

We had been discussing moving to HI in a few years. In July, H found out his company would be closing his branch on 10/1/13. He received a ton of offers locally but he asked me how I felt about moving to HI at the beginning of the year instead of in 2015-2016. I told him as long as it was Oahu, where I have job opportunities and contact and friends on that island. He was able to land a job interview there. He planned to do it during our vacation. Due to the fact that he was losing his job, I suggested we cancel our vacation and he go there strictly for the job interview. He spent the next several weeks pushing and pushing and pushing to do both. Tired of the constant pressure I said fine, whatever. Worst vacation ever. H didn’t get the job and he spent the entire vacation checking his phone and not paying attention to me or our time together. It was a miserable stressful time and I couldn’t wait to get home.

He started looking locally for another job. Because he was so focused on the job in HI, he blew two other opportunities here. Then another job in HI came up but on the Big Island and not Oahu. He asked how I felt about it and I told him, I was uneasy as we really can’t afford this right now. He said but what about the Big Island. I said I haven’t been there so giving an opinion would be difficult. I said HI is an entire state and not just one island. However the money would have to be equivalent to both of our salaries now and they would have to include moving expenses. I also told him I’d have to really think about it because there is the problem with our relationship, my career and not having any family or friends close by. I said I’d like to see him continue to pursue jobs locally so we could work on our marriage and also save money so my not having a job for a while wouldn’t be a burden.

All he heard was “HI is a state and not one island”.

He blew off other job opportunities here. Manipulated and/or omitted important details when relaying his conversations with the potential employer. Then it happened, he kept something quiet about Uberskank that he knew would send me into the definite NO stance on moving. Uberskank, after skid turned 18 and CS started going to her directly, decided to pack up her younger two daughters (not H’s) and move to UT to be with her new man. I was appalled any mom would do this and I felt it was low even for Uberskank. Skid is in her last year of HS and this isn’t the time to leave her. She lives to far away to move in with us. What a mess.

I was told skid was moving in with a friend and her family. For over a month I was told things were fine. Everything was fine. H was pursuing this job; I was becoming unsure of the situation and told him. He blew me off. Then three things happened all at once.

1. He forwarded me the job proposal to print, as our printer was on the fritz.
2. Uberskank decided to move on Thanksgiving Day.
3. The friend and her family could not take skid in and she had no place to go.

The job proposal came in at less than what H was making before and there was no move package, as they don’t offer it to non-executives. They would offer a signing bonus but with taxes, there was no way it would cover moving and living expenses during the first month. I immediately pointed all of this out to H. He blew me off.

Uberskank was moving faster than I had anticipated. And on a holiday that is generally thought of as a family holiday. Not only had she pretty much told skid in no uncertain terms that she was nothing but CS to her, she was leaving her on a day that was special to the skid.

Skid would be moving in with her GBM, who only has a one bedroom apartment. Which was already cramped because Uberskank’s older brother is as worthless as she is.

At this point I told H….enough….nothing is right about this and I am not on board with any of it any longer. You need to be here for your kid. The money isn’t there for the job and we can’t afford to move. We don’t have nearly enough in savings to cover us for three months. Though HI and where we live are nearly similar in cost of living, there was no way we could afford it. Additionally, our marriage was deteriorating rapidly; especially when I found out he was engaging in lies of omission. I told him enough was enough and we had to be realistic about this.

H said he wanted to move. He renegotiated the salary but it was still 25% less than our current combined salaries and not enough to cover expenses. I told him I was not on board. He ignored me and accepted the job. I told him I was not okay with this and with our pets (that he did nothing about the entire time he was off of work regarding any moves to HI); I would not be able to join him for several months. This is all wrong and that if we’re going to do this, we should do it together.

He took the job anyway and things started moving all too quickly.

I continued to protest and was angry beyond all belief. He decided to alleviate my anger my making an appointment with skid’s old counselor to discuss the effect this was having on her. Because again he didn’t listen to me only heard that I felt he was abandoning his kid. He didn’t’ listen to any of my other concerns. Both H and her counselor felt she could handle it because they only saw each other EOWE anyway and communicated by text. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. Did they not get it?? This wasn’t about if she’d be fine. This was about a kid who had both parents dump her them minute she turned 18. One because she was no longer useful for money and didn’t mince any words when she told this to skid.
His daughter was already devastated by her mother moving. He continued to feel as though all would be well. She broke down when he told her he was moving too. I felt so bad for her.

H continued on as though all was well. Ignoring my anger. Ignoring his kids discomfort and uncertainty. Sitting around and making his plans. Telling all of our friends and family I’d be joining him in June, after he comes back for skids HS graduation.

I was frantically trying to find a new place to live and all while dealing with year-end at work. I was resentful and angry. I found a somewhat decent place to live but not nearly what I wanted had I had time to think and plan.

He moved on 12/31 and I honestly haven’t had a moment where I miss him. He and I talked before he left and he said I told him that the skid was the only reason I was holding back and I never mentioned the other things. I wasn’t clear on my intent. He asked what it would take to get me to move to HI in June.
That is when I turned to him and said, throughout our marriage you have made decisions that affect me without discussing them with me. I have consistently asked you not to do this and what I get in return is a snotty “sorry” and then you turn around and do it again. In order for me to move there, I need your absolute assurance that you will no longer make big decisions that affect me without discussing it with me.

He turned to me and said “That is impossible. No man can guaranty you of that. Your standard is too high. Not even Jesus Christ would be able to hold up to that standard. I can’t do that. It’s impossible. But I want our marriage to work out.”
I realize he was saying is that I’d have to suck it up and accept that things would not change between us. I couldn’t believe it. This one thing is impossible. And apparently it is impossible, because two weeks ago when we spoke I found out his kids car broke down and he has decided to finance a used vehicle for her. She doesn’t have a job, doesn’t plan to get one until after she graduates and NEEDS (according to him) a car.

He discussed all of this with her and told me after the fact.

What I’ve come to realize is that he insisted on marrying me when he did because Uberskank had remarried her ex and he wanted to be married when their custody case went before the judge. All I’ve been in this marriage is a bystander. My thoughts, feeling and opinions don’t matter. I am to sit there and deal with it. I also realize the reason he didn’t want me to walk 18 months into our marriage was because he was losing control of the custody situation and still needed me to keep things going. Not to save our marriage but to save face with Uberskank and the judge.

I have become this snarly, bitter, exhausted, unhappy person. I snark and snap. I’ve become someone I dislike very much. However, since I’ve been on my own I can feel some of this shedding off of me like skin from a snake. I’m starting to get more organized and I’m trying to face the two boxes of paper that have been staring me in the face for several weeks.

I know this is long but it’s been cathartic to write it all down. I realize divorce is the only answer. I’ve been unhappy for years and I allowed someone to run me over for years, while being nice to me on other fronts. He took care of me the way one takes care of their child, but not as part of a partnership. And when his kid needed him, I was shoved to the side. Every time. It’s time for me to take back my sense of self, my self-worth and my happiness. Things I haven’t seen in a very, very long time.

Thank you STalkers for your support and I’m sorry for the length of this diatribe.


arjuna79's picture

((((Shaman)))) Sounds like so much has come to completion. And his big move is some big, clear signal. So sorry that it has come to all this, but your process with it is invaluable, the naming, the clarity of your vision. He moves to HI, you move back to your Self. At least you've got some breathing room now. Breath and support to you, on your way.

SituationalTourettes's picture

I am so sorry you had to endure all that. I am relieved and happy to hear that you are doing much better on your own and I hope and pray things only get even more successful and joyful for you.

Sometimes it's a load off just to write it all down, isn't it? For me venting on here helps force me into organizing my thoughts and feelings. Regardless if the posts/comments I get are positive or not, I appreciate the community here in helping me know I am not nuts, I am valuable, and I have something meaningful to say.

Hang in there and congrats on your newer, happier future Smile

DarkStar's picture

One of the biggest things we can do as human beings is admit our failures and move forward as new people.

That is all you Shaman!!! You are so strong and brave to admit what went wrong, what you did wrong, and what YOU are going to do to fix it. So many people (and a few on this site) whine and cry about how awful their lives are when they had a lot to do with putting themselves in the situation, but don't want have to lift so much as a finger to fix it.

My marriage was a HUGE failure, I felt like a failure because of it. It took me a LONG time to realize that although the marriage failed, there was nothing I could do to prevent its failure, the only thing I could do was decide whether or not I was going to live my life IN the failure or admit it was a mistake, file for divorce, cry a lot, and start over. I struggled for YEARS to get back on my feet again, but it was worth it in the end

Bojangles's picture

It's really hard to face up to negative insights into your relationship and choices, sometimes it seems like it's better to deny it than admit to having spent a long time on the wrong road. His move looks like a blessing, not only has it reinforced why the relationship is not working for you it has also provided you with a cathartic opportunity to make the break and start afresh. I admire you.

ctnmom's picture

Well, this is a heartbreaking story, and it makes me mad that your DH took advantage of your obvious trusting, loving nature. Shame on him! But- you seem to have a handle on things and you are very self aware. So good for you! I've always liked your "voice" Best of luck, and I'm sending a prayer out for you now. I think you're going to be ok. Smile

Totalybogus's picture

Your journey of introspection and emotional self discovery was amazing to read. I know that you will be a success without this man.