Am I the Ass this time?
So my hubby's ex left her kids to be with her boyfriend in another county. So, basically we raise the kids. They are here with us 5 days a week. Since we provide the permanent home, we try to set the rules for the most part and play the "bad guy" role in parenting. We don't mind, because we have the kids more and eventually they will grow up and realize who the real parents were.
Anyway, the ex tries to fight us tooth and nail on everything. The three boys are 17, 16 and 11. We try to talk and agree on things with her (like cell phones) but once we agree, she usually renigs on her end out of guilt or stupidity or whatever. (ex: we ALL agreed no cell phone for the 11 yr old, but she let her parents buy him one anyway-she even picked it out!-whatever)
So, we let the 11 year old buy a puppy with his b-day money. We set the rules for it,we are paying vet bills, and since it is here with him, we are trying to train it properly from a young age. The little girl baby just got fixed on Thursday and was still a bit groggy yesterday when we picked her up. She also has a swollen lymph node in her neck I am keeping an eye on for a few days. So on Friday evening when Ex-wife come to pick up the kids (an hour late) she wants to take the puppy to her house for the weekend. Her reason, well it is his dog, and he did pay for it.
My problem with this is that her house is filthy-not just messy, but mold everywhere, piles of dirty laundry from weeks back, half eaten food molding on the counters, etc. The woman does not clean-ever. I am worried the puppy will get hold of something and get sick. I am responsible for the vet bills. My other concern is that the ex doesn't set any rules in her house out of guilt and since she only has the kids two days a week. All of the training we are doing with the puppy will go right out the window.
Of course, I can't say these things to her, but I look like the ass right now. This is getting really old. The whole cell phone thing-the first time the 11 yr old brought it home, he lost it. It took two weeks to find it and the whole time she was bitching about it. We said we didn't think he should have it in the first place and from now on it would stay at her house and be her responsibility.
So what do you all think-am I being an ass or do I have a valid point? I really am starting to think I should just say "screw it-let the dog go" and deal with the consequences later. I don't want to have constant battles with her or to have her put the kids in the middle. She had the kids ask us about the dog instead of growing a set and asking herself. I may just tell the kids that the dog had to stay here this weekend because she was still sick and say screw it the dog can go.
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I'd treat the dog just like the cell phone
If BM wants to be responsible for the dog, then she can be responsible for the dog ALL the time. No way would I let the dog go and have to put up with an untrained dog for the rest of SS's time at home (and beyond, most kids leave their pets with their parents when they first move off or go to college)
So if BM wants to try and insist that the dog should go to her house with SS, then the dog will have to stay at her house with the cell phone. Otherwise, no dice.
Once the dog gets a little older, maybe say over a year or so old when it's good and trained well, maybe then the dog could go with SS to BM's. But until then, no way would I let her mess up my hard work.
sassy
Put your foot down and say no. You are the responsible per owner. The kd may have paid for the pet but who is paying the vet bills. What happens if they let the dog wonder around and it gets hit in the road? Are you prepared to pay another 600 for the bills. If BM wants him to have a dog at her house let her go get one and keep it there. It's a tough job being a sm and you eventually develop a hide as tough as an alligator.
And as far as responsiblity-and 11 yr old cannot be legally
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
responsible for the dog. So, if he takes it to BM's, and it bites someone, guess who's responsiblity that would be? Yep, yours.
I would worry less about looking like and "ass" and more about taking care of what you need to. H, for instance, now has his dog here, which he lets run off leash. Problem. Yep. This is my parents home, as the owners of the property, they could be sued if the little guy bit someone while he's running free. He's already bit two people-H's boss :jawdrop: and the ex's father (heehee). So chances of him bitting someone else are high. But try telling that to idiot H.
Boss-biter
Be kinder than necessary to everyone! We all have our battles.
We had a wonderful dog. He turned into hating men and then nipping at kids. One time he went for a small child and that was it-off to the pound baby-no excuses. Biters only get one chance and he blew it. It was a family dog and it was sad, but it was necessary!
Honestly
it is YOUR dog, not the childs. I realize that he paid his money for it originally but you are the family of the dog. I would say no, I am actually surprised she had the gall to even ask.
You don't look like an ass at all.
Not to us anyway.
Betwitched made a great point and that's one excuse that you can use to BM, but I wouldn't be trying to convince BM i would be more trying to convince SS11 why it's not a good idea to take the dog to BMs.
Explain to him that dogs aren't as smart as humans (well most humans anyway) and that if he was to take it to BMs house then the dog would get confused on where his home actually is and as he would be shifted around too many times and the last thing he would want is for the dog to run away.
I hope this helps hun. Good Luck.
Be kinder than necessary to
Be kinder than necessary to everyone! We all have our battles.
Just wanted to say thanks to all of you out there with your advice. It is great to have poeple who I don't know and have never met giving me external viewpoints on my silly situtions. I really appreciate the feedback and hope you apprecaite mine too. I am going to sit the kids down and explain to them the consequences that may be "if" I let the dog go to the ex's. That's a big if. They will be held responsible for keeping up her training, cleaning up after, etc. We will see. Even if the dog is allowed there, that lazy so-called mom will tire of the work rather quickly and it will all be over soon. Thanks again-it has been very helpful to me.