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I need advice on something I thought we settled before....

Sassy's picture

If you read before I have SS11 SS16 and SS18. They are all wonderful stepsons and I adore them. The problem is, of course, their bm. The two older boy have continuously told me they do not want to go to her house where hubby live in another county. they don't mind being here in our town where she keeps a house to visit them on weekends at her convenience, but they hate her new beau. So, man times I have told her (usually via text) that the two oldest didn't want to go when the summer came and she wanted them for a week or whatever. Well this time, Mr. extremely quiet and shy SS16 adamantly told me he is absolutely not going to her other house to see her. He hates the house (it has roaches and wind scorpions and ants and such, and they refuse to spray), he hates BM's new hubby-he acts like a jerk and sits around all day in his boxers (yuck, puke gross) and he hates that his BM and her hubby wait for the boys to come over to do serious work at the house (it needs alot of renovating). We have always told the older 2 kiddos that where they are and for how long is entirely up to them, if they want to be with their mom it's ok and if they want to be with us it's ok too. The problem is apparently last time SS18 told her he didn't want to stay with her she said and I quote from SS16, "I can't even be here with you right now, go to the other room and get out of my sight." WOW lovely supportive mom of the year.

okay so now the question...we were trying to leave it up to the boys to tell their mom this time-we think they are old enough and need to stand up for themselves. It was all going well until last night. they all were forced to spend a week with BM's parents and when they got home SS16 couldn't sleep. Well, I wasn't tired either so I stayed up with him-ALL NIGHT!!!-we literally never went to bed-he just talked way about tons of stuff but mostly about his mom and her hubby and how he didn't want to be there. Apparently at some point my DH said he would step in and tell their mom if they didn't want to go, but only if the kids wanted us to. Well, SS16 made it very clear that after what happened to SS18 last time he tried, he doesn't want to tell her and could I do it for him. CRAP!!!! I was trying so hard to get them on their own feet standing up for themselves, but hes afraid-so......should I let DH tell her or should I still try to get SS16 and SS18 to tell their mom? Please help!!!


Zimka's picture

SS18 and SS16 need to tell their BM that they don't want to go and stay. The best way is text her, or email her and let BM know why they don't want to go to her house. I feel they are both old enough to make the descision not to go then they are both old enough to tell BM politly how they feel and why they don't want to go. What can she do ???? Good Luck Smile

Amazed's picture

that your DH needs to step in and help SS16 talk to BM. He shouldn't do the talking for him, but I think he should be there to have his back. Maybe they can talk in a neutral place like a restaurant so she can't make a scene.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Sassy's picture

I just needed someone to tell me again not to rescue my babies, I just need to be a good mom and throw them to the wolves so they cam learn to defend themselves. Its just so hard though, I know she will be a jerk to them an make them feel bad and guilty and I feel like its my job to protect them from her. is sooo hard to be a stepmom. I just want my babies to frow up and take that first leap on their own, but I dont want them to get eaten alive for doing it.

"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."