prenup agreement
I was talking to a lawyer about a prenup OMG they are so expensive. has anyone done a prenup using a software program? any words of advice?
this is my second marriage and I have quite a few assets and FH has quite a few DEBTS.
so I want to protect myself and my retirement obviously...since we all know that second marriages have a 40% survival rate.
thanks!
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Prenup is a really good idea
I have one andI am from Canada-so different laws apply-I believe it was well worth the money.
As I am in a second marriage where I had more assets than DH-I wanted to make sure I left with at least with what I had.
Here in the province I live in-if the marriage dissolves the prenup becomes the separation of assets agreement-so unless I have documentation and receipts-I cannot go after more than what is stated in the agreement.
I also put a clause in that in the event DH passes away before Zippy turns 18-BM could not go after me for CS.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
thanks Endora
I talked to FH and he is ok with the prenup.
I dont like to think about divorce before we are even married but I need to be a realist too.
I have had a few friends end up screwed cuz of no prenup.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
i wish i HAD anything to warrant a prenup!
haha!
good for u. its a smart idea. like u said, not trying to be so pessimistic before youre even married but in todays world u have to protect urself.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Go for the Prenup!
I have an awesome retirement, too. Everything else is pretty much joint property.
If anything were to happen to my marriage now, he'd hardly get any of my retirement anyway. (We've been married for almost 4 years, and he wouldn't even be able to get anything until we were together for five). I already checked it out. (When we were having so much trouble with his Ds in the beginning, I didn't think we'd make a year. Luckily, things have gotten much better).
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
buying a software program
is that an reasonable option instead of paying a lawyer nearly 800.00 to do it?
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
sad but true
I am an accountant (and very thrifty)and had a somewhat reasonable settlement with my ex
however FH got raped by courts and ex.
but I can tell you this IF anything does happen to me and FH (divorce) I WILL NEVER date anyone with kids and if that means being single forever so be it!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Same here
I would raise my kids alone if I have to. Never again, never again.
Books that we used
Before we moved in together we had a domestic partnership agreement. We used the following book, there were sample agreements in it which are similar to prenups:
Money Without Matrimony: The Unmarried Couple's Guide to Financial Security
by Sheryl Garrett, Debra Neiman, Debra A. Neiman
288 pages
Publisher: Kaplan Business (June 1, 2005)
DH and I wrote the agreement and had our lawyers review it. It was way cheaper.
When we did our prenup we used the following book:
Prenuptial Agreements: How to Write a Fair & Lasting Contract
by Katherine Stoner, Shae Irving
320 pages
Publisher: NOLO; 3rd edition (October 20, 2008)
It comes with worksheets and a CD-ROM with forms. We used the forms and basically wrote the agreement ourselves. He had his lawyer review it and I had my lawyer review it, again it was way cheaper.
Both can be ordered from Amazon.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
wow
thanks a ton BR!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I may sound naive or idealistic, but I wouldn't sign one myself
This is a tough one for me because I have some really ridiculously high standards about marriage (especially since I'm divorced once myself!) I gave up virtually everything financially when I divorced exH, and I don't regret it. Our friendship and co-parenting is far more important than money could buy.
My DH also knows I was more than fair in my divorce, and would be completely fair to him if we should ever part no matter what the reason. And I know he would be to me too. So for me, I just wouldn't get married if I thought I couldn't trust the outcome, or the man's integrity should it not work out. I'm not saying I wouldn't stay with them, but I could not marry them. It would feel like a red flag to me.
So how does it come up? How do you gently talk about the what if you turn out to be a jerk so I need to protect myself?
Sorry, I don't mean to imply that I think it's wrong for anyone else to have one, it's just not something I can wrap my brain around.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Wow Sita
"Our friendship and co-parenting is far more important than money could buy.
My DH also knows I was more than fair in my divorce, and would be completely fair to him if we should ever part no matter what the reason. And I know he would be to me too."
That is so refreshing to hear! I would do the same, I'd never put another person through what H and I have went through. BM should know better--she is a product of a bad divorce. My H and I's parents have each been married for over 35 years. We just can't believe what BM has done to SD over the years.
I understand
what you mean, I guess my biggest fear is that if we got divorced then I might be liable for his 20k worth of debt.
I have a large retirement fund and substantial savings that I dont want to lose if it were to get ugly. Not for me I was more than fair to my ex too.
I am 44 I hate to think that in a few years I would have to start out again and then worse than when I started.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Can you sign some sort of contract on a debt reduction plan?
I wonder if they have those through a consumer credit co.
Oh- and believe me, your DH has NOTHING on my DH's debt when we met. Let's just say I had a house with a very small mortgage that I sold and it only paid off HALF of the debt.
So I have him on that one- he knows if he ever leaves me he owes me and will have to take any debt that's still around!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
1 Couple With 2 Relationships: Financial & Emotional
This is how I view my relationship with DH.
DH and I recognized early on in our relationship that an agreement was best for us. He got royally screw (financially speaking) in his divorce. I had never been married and worked very hard to earn what I had.
When we met he had just started credit counseling and was paying off his debt. He didn’t think it was fair to have me pay for his debt. I owned my home and didn’t want to ever be in a position where I’d loose it.
Before he and the boys moved in we drafted our domestic partnership agreement. By working on this agreement together we learned how much debt we had, what equity we had, and what we were investing for retirement.
It opened up a discussion about spending habits, budgeting and planning for our financial future. We both had different ideas about money and writing the agreement helped us to see what compromises needed to be made.
The agreement – I’m simplifying this - stated what debt DH had, what debt I had, and that in the event we separated each party was not responsible for the others debt. We also had an attachment to the agreement for any debt we entered into during our relationship. It also stated – because he and the boys moved into the home I owned that if he ended the relationship he had 2 weeks to move out, if I ended the relationship he had 90 days to move out. Our prenup is and extension of this agreement.
IMO – I feel DH and I have avoided a lot of arguments because we’re able to talk about money openly, the partnership agreement and the prenup helped us to create a framework for our financial relationship. Talking about money is hard but once everything money related was out in the open it made our relationship stronger.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
law
and you had it signed by the court??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Yes
The partnership agreement was reviewed by our attorneys, then signed in front of witnesses and notarized.
The prenup was reviewed by attorneys and signed by the court.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
OOOOO
ok gotcha!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Did you ask your lawyer about this?
I didn't know that you could make him sign that you are not half responsible for his debt after being married. I thought you were stuck with half the debt no matter what...I could be wrong.
Yes We Did
I'm responsible for the debt that I brought into the marriage and DH is responsible for the debt that he brought into the marriage. Any debt we accrue during the marriage will be 50/50 responsiblitiy. After our 7 years of marriage all the debt will be 50/50 responsiblity.
We each have seperate checking accounts and savings accounts as well a a joint checking and savings. I pay for my pre-marriage debt out of my account, DH does the same for his pre-marriage debt. We each contribute to the joint account monthly, this account was opened after we were married, and is to pay for debt accued jointly since we've been married.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
marriage
"So for me, I just wouldn't get married if I thought I couldn't trust the outcome, or the man's integrity should it not work out" Save yourself a lot of time and dont get married. If you are with the one that you love thats all that matters ad you dont need a document that says "marriage."
trust
I know I trust him know but who knows what happens if we lose that loving feeling??
you always hurt the ones you love!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I say put your
assests into a mutual fund with all kinds of stipulations and/or make anyone OTHER than him beneficiary.
read my mind
I was kinda thinking along those lines.
maybe I am over reacting too.
he really is a good guy and he did not do anything untoward on his first divorce.
Sita has me thinking..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
i feel the same way as sita
i can see why some women would want one, especially after being on this site (!), but its not for me.
i know that if DH and i ever split, which i dont see happening, we would be very amicable about dividing assets.
i do think it is quite unromantic and maybe even unhealthy to go into a marriage needing one, but today, u just never know. there are ways around it tho. u could establish a trust and designate someone else the trustee, for example.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
ya'll are great
that is why I come to this site, I can get honest and diverse options/opinions
thanks again my friends
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
It will be priceless should
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
that loving feeling disappear, b/c of the skids or for whatever reason. I only wish I'd listened to my friends BEFORE I got married and done a prenup - I didn't want to go into a marriage thinking it would end - but I should have been realistic and now I'm terrified that everything I've worked for all my life is going to be lost - I've already burned through an insurance settlement and put my home in jeopardy all b/c of "love". Only after we were married did I discover just how bad his credit was and how many outstanding debts he had - OMG! And foolish me, I've been trying to clean up his messes but now I'm really questioning (resenting?) everything I've bought for us, the trips we've taken, the bills I've paid off for him, etc. etc.
I'm changing my life insurance policies over to someone other than him - not b/c I don't love him, but he's so irresponsible with money. Also after going through some major medical issues, I am changing my power of attorney over to someone other than DH too. I need someone who's looking out for ME - which is what I've been looking for all along - only it appears I struck out this time.
I like Betty Rae and Sia's suggestions
DH and I have always openly talked about finances and work together on a debt reduction plan. We aren't perfect by any means, but are working toward being revolving debt free. But I do think these things involving debt are smart if you are marrying someone with a ton. It may help you both develop a better financial plan.
Since he took on a great deal of financial responsibility with my sons (I only get 200 a month for both boys for 50/50 custody) I think it's all working out. I certainly couldn't have quit work to finish my degree without him either.
I also know that if DH could be so "fair" to crazy BM as to be unfair to himself, that he would never under any circumstances be vindictive toward me.
I think a pre-nup's fine for those who have a lot to lose. I really didn't (although I did give up my rainy day over half paid off house toward reducing his debt, so there is that. But, you know? I am going to at some point be going back for my masters, and he will be financially supporting that. So....it does all work out sometimes.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
You gotta do a pre-nup, SarahB
It's not about love, or trust...
It's about protecting yourself and placing yourself FIRST.
In my case DH came to the marriage with most of the assets- WAY more than I have, or could ever make in my lifetime. And I was the one who was adamant about the pre-nup. And not for him- but for me. I didn't have a lot (compared to him) but it was important to me to protect what little I had.
I looked at it like an insurance policy. It's something I signed and put away and hope I NEVER have to use!
I don't know about a software program, though. I think you need to have a lawyer look it over. But $800 for one- it may not cost quite so much.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
thanks all
I am torn, I really would like a prenup but financially I cant do it..( I maybe losing my job next month)so I am looking to do SOMETHING even if it getting a software program and having a lawyer review it.
FH said he didnt care either way that he would be leaving our relationship in a pine box..that he is marrying for love and nothing more. ( i did think that was sweet) in a morbid way!
I am still tossing it around ..thanks my friends!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
800
800 is a small price to pay for peace of mind. You would pay a lot more than 800 if someone took you through the washing machine. People start out friendly and nice and suddenly they aren't so friendly anymore when they lose that loving feeling and then they are going to take everything they can. Thats why I wont bother with marriage again I'll just live with someone and be happy. If you look at the men affliated with the women on this forum most of them bring themselves, the clothes on their back, BM and several starving children to the table so they have a reason to get married. They want someone to take care of all of them and they offer nothing in return except BS if you open your mouth to discipline.