You are here

Is DH strong enough to withstand the pressure from his adult kids?

Sarah101's picture

So I have to hand it to DH. He's actually been cutting down on giving our money to his 5 adult children. I can see how hard it has been for him to turn down their incessant requests for money, but he's been strong. So far.

But, like any addiction, it's a slippery slope and getting more slippery all the time.

The cocaine-addict SD18 keeps trying. Addicts are the best manipulators on the planet. First it's her car battery. "But I can't get to work!" Somehow she got to work. Then it's that she needs a cell phone. "I have to call work!". So how did she make the call? Then she raises the stakes. "I need $17 for Monistat!" Then she leaves her job and goes on a trip. I expect the next call to be "I am out of gas and need to get home to work!" What work??

Now the alcoholic pothead SS21 is in trouble again. He's currently on parole in another state for assult & battery. Seems he and his druggie roommates didn't pay the bills and the power and water were shut off (DH didn't bail him out).

-Then his bike that he rides to work got stolen (DH didn't bail him out). The brainiac then stole another bike from a convenience store, only to return with the bike to the same convenience store a week later at which time the bike was recognized and he had to hand it back to the real owner.
-Then he needed money for court-mandated Anger Management class (DH didn't send money).
-Then he needed $600 for court costs so he could attend a cousin's wedding in another state (DH didn't pay).

NOW he's lost his minimum-wage job too. Seems he just couldn't get to work on time and they fired him. Well, DUUHHHH! So SS21 tells DH that he "wants to end it all." I guess that's the threat of last resort, huh? If those words don't result in some fast cash, then nothing will.

Now DH is in a tizzy. He's so accustomed to rescuing his adult kids from their stupidness and playing hero. His little baby boy who has been enabled from birth is in trouble again. I know darn well that DH just wants to fly down there, scoop SS21 in his arms, say everything is going to be OK, and whisk him back home where he will be safe from himself and his own stupidity for another few days. SS21 desperately wants that as well.

Personally, I believe that may be the reason SS21 has consciously or unconsciously upped the loser ante. If he makes his situation bad enough, Daddy will just have to rescue him again! Right? Right??

Unfortunately, evil troll stepmother and REALITY have to dictate here. DH and I simply don't have the money, and SS21's parole office won't let him leave the state until he pays his court costs. Oh, the unfairness of it all! (I say thank God for the parole officer).

I am watching from the wings as DH tries to cope with SS21's downward spiral. It was bound to happen. I hope for the best, but fear that DH's guilt and enabling will once again drain our meager resources and put closer to the brink of financial ruin. Only time will tell...


evilsm's picture

Suicide then I say call the police. He can be placed in a hospital environment until he is stable. I'll bet he changes his mind about ending it all when the guys with the white coats show up. Oops, did I say that? Sorry Sarah, your not the only evil one.


If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

Sarah101's picture

...DH and I will have to pay for the guys in the white coats too! Our medical insurance only covers adult children if they are in school full-time.

No the guys in the white coats are too expensive. I am thinking more about the guys in the stripe jumpsuits!

ColorMeGone2's picture

This "kid" is of legal age, so DH is not responsible for paying his medical bills. If he threatens to kill himself, then DH should call the local police in his area and report it. They can show up and make a determination. If they think it's necessary, they will call for an ambulance to take him to a hospital to be evaluated. If he doesn't have insurance, then they will accept him as a self-pay. No hospital can deny treatment based on inability to pay. Yep, the taxpayers of the locality where he's taken will have to foot the bill, but not DH.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Sasha's picture

If he really presents a danger to himself they can have him involuntarily committed for a psych eval. The social workers at the hospital can assist him in applying for medicaid if he doesn't have insurance.

Good for your DH for standing firm. My dad and his wife keep bailing out their 25 year old loser and he turns around and lands right back in jail. The kid never learns his lesson; his parents don't either, for that matter.

Where are the SK's BM in all of this? Why don't they go beg money from her?

frustratedinMA's picture

I agree w/everyone.. call the cops.. let them deal with it. Then that will stop the little boy that cried wolf.

Also, he is the one that would be on the hook for the bills, not you and dh. Just refuse to pay those as well. I dont even think that hospital and medical bills can go on their credit report.. so .. let ss deal with it.. he is an adult now... time to act like one.

B's picture

Your SS is an adult, and he will be listed as the responsible party if the police are called. My ExH threatened suicide and took off. I called his doctor and she told me to call the police. As I was in the driveway giving one officer information, another radio'd that he'd been found. They saw that he was unbalanced and took him to a hospital and from there he went to a psych hospital for a mandatory 3 day evaluation. Since the police were involved we weren't charged - not sure if this works everywhere, but that's how it was for me and I was in CA at the time.

Sarah101's picture

The question that DH is grappling with is if the threat is for real, or just another attempt to manipulate him.

I have heard DH's adult kids threaten to harm themselves on numerous occasions. It usually happens when the screw up and feel the pain of their own decisions or actions. They don't like pain because they have been enabled all their lives, so at that point they will threaten anything to get dear 'ole dad to rescue them.

With the girls, they threaten to become strippers. If that doesn't work, they invoke the "self harm" threat.

As a result of the threat, they are usually rewarded with money, parental concern, a visit, a bailout, or all of the above. Usually the threat of self-harm makes the entire dysfunctional family focus on THEM for a minute or so. So they have learned it's worth it to try, even if they don't mean it.

So DH has been through this grist mill before, and who knows if SS21 is for real? He's so drunk or stoned most of the time he may not remember what he said. At what point do you just shrug your shoulders, let the adult children spew empty threats, and hope for the best?

ColorMeGone2's picture

Teach them a lesson. If it's not real, think how embarrassed they will be to get hauled off by the cops and to have to endure a psych eval. If it is real, then they can get help. Or, even better, tell them that DH is going to kill HIMself and that he left all his yummy money to YOU.

You asked at what point do you...? I'd say you're past the point.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)