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Venting

Sam2's picture

Well I feel like I am a in a experiment gone wrong.      It feels like there's me, my husband and my kids as a family and then his kids just kind of there.     SD does join us for meals , most often for dinner and comes up and visits occasionally.  Both stepkids stay up most of the night and sleep most of the day.    SS eats only after four and never with the family.    SD only eats lunch about 3 and dinner with the rest of us.   Both when they are awake are in their rooms gaming.   

SS does have a job offer and SD does have a application in but very little follow up on either of their parts unless its handed to them.

This morning DH came and said we needed to do something about insurance for SD.  I told him I couldn't add her to my insurance until school resumed in the Fall and that it would be Janauary before it took effect.  He said he couldn't do anything either.  Well alrighty then , I brought up that she could look into Medicaid.  She is twenty one.  She has dropped out of college and like I said living in the basement gaming all day.   I also suggested that she work as a EA in the school district and then she could get her own insurance.  He brought up I should bring that up with her.   Ok .   Oh yes she doesn't drive and so far has shown no interest in learning how to drive.

Unfortunately since we are looking into unsurance for her that means she'll be here awhile.   Big Sigh. 

So now I am feeling lke a failure as I really don't like these kids.  They don't do anything with anyone else in the family in mind.    They frequently jaunt off to a neighboring town at 3:00 in the afternoon after not talking to anyone all day.   Last night after dinner, the son went out and bought take out dinner for himself with money from Dad.    Dad often gives them money.  We buy the gas on his car, buy his insurance on his car.   I have a daughter that has paid for all those things herself since she was 16.    Currently due to the pandemic , my daughter is buying our groceries as dad was out of work due to the pandemic.  

When I had to send my son to his dad due to some problems he was having,  I had to apolize to SD because she was upset that she had caused it.  She had extreme anxiety over it.   While I sympathize with the anxiety, I also feel that you need to deal with things happening because they will happen.   I'm dealing with her living in my house, not doing anything beyond occasionally washing her dishes.  I also deal with her free loading brother who doesn't do anything .  He starts his laundry but relies on others to finish it for him.   We have two dogs, one of whom is theirs from before their father and I got together.  I feed the dog, watch the dog during the day (its old and pees frequently) and take the dog to the vet when needed.  The other dog they keep saying they feel bad about it being by itself all day.  However, they only go out , She once a day for about five minutes, SS about every three or four days.  Neither have taken that dog for a walk, feed it or bathe it or even play with it.   But it looks so sad sitting there by the door.  Up to me I would get rid of both dogs.  First offer on the one outside I'm tempted to give it to that person.

Every day when Dad asks what she did today , "oh nothing"   She's 21 and needs to do something.      Our town isn't that big and we do have a bus system.   Also the mall Target, and several other stores are within walking distance of our house.    Just get out and meet people , hang out do something or stop saying you're bored.     Ugh.

I so feel like throwing in the hat and leaving.  

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Re the insurance.. did she recently lose coverage?  Even if it isn't in your open enrollment period.. there are covered reasons why people may be added or dropped.  For example.. my DH lost his employer insurance when his season ended.. and I added him to mine because he lost his coverage.  I am not saying it's YOUR obligation to fix this.. but if there is a chance that her being uninsured could end up being a financial obligation that your husband will end up paying for if she is sick or injured??? then perhaps it is the lesser of evils.

I don't really "get" him asking you what she has done.. she is an adult in his home.. he should be asking HER.. setting expectations and following up with her on them.. why is it your job to keep tabs on her.

What is his exit plan for his adult kids anyway.. how much longer are they going to be provided with a free ride?  this is what I would want to understand in your shoes.

Sam2's picture

Thus the vent.    My husband doesn't get insurance through his employer , we're on mine ( I provide the insurance for his son, my daughter and him)    My daughter was already on mine.   I'll probably look into the insurance as I would rather that then not being covered and having to pay out of pocket.  I'm thinking she has a prescription that is due for renewal thus why we are thinking about this now.    Her mom could also step up to plate and help pay for the cost.   She lost hers because she left the country she was living in and going to school not because of the pandemic.  And yes she does need to get a job, especially if she's not going to go back to school here in the states.  

I'm just venting because I'm trying to be a family and its not working.

ESMOD's picture

It has to be tough with these extra "adults" in the home... I don't blame you for being frustrated.. I suggested checking on reasons for adding her in case there might be a reason that could be claimed.. "loss of job" "change of student status" etc.. It's not the greatest solution.. but if it's like most plans.. it shouldn't raise your premiums.

I hope you can talk to your husband about what his kid's exit plans are.. I mean.. sure.. big happy family be darned.. it is not entirely normal for adults to live with their parents indefinitely... I mean.. I know some families try to help the kids some..but at what point is it just allowing them to remain in adolescent limbo with no maturity or growth to full adulthood.. 

tog redux's picture

She should definitely look into Medicaid, my niece was able to get that while living at home with her parents (but I'm in NY, which likely extends Medicaid to more people than many other states).

You haven't failed, you married into this dynamic.  You can't fix what has been going on for years before you came along, you can only decide whether or not you can live with it. Why do you have to just sit back and allow SD to live there without getting a say?

I would feel terrible for the dog, and knowing me, I'd probably play with it and walk it, since they are neglecting it. Your home sounds really depressing. I couldn't live like that.

CLove's picture

SS doesnt acknowledge you still, but you are the primary breadwinner? Thats at the heart of things. I dont feel like your DH is doing enough to help blend your family. It seems like everything is being put on YOUR shoulders...all the time.

I would start with a massive chore list. Sleeping all day and up at night? No way, that does not work. Thats why they arent excited about getting a job. Time for a really really big talk with their father. Get a launch plan together.

SD21 also has no license and no job, sleeps all day, goes off with friends at all hours all the time. Shes mooching off her mother. They deserve each other.