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Here's to more trying

Sam2's picture

Well almost afraid to post but decided to start a blog.   Hey new year , new journey and hopefully family harmony.   I had posted in the forum about the situation with my stepson, needless to say  it took on a life of its own.   My post was about how my stepson hasn't joined us as a family for about five months for dinner except occasionally.   He has a tendency to come up after be it ten minutes or a couple of hours after we finish eating.    He also had a tendency to either be asleep or gaming in his room.   Currently he has been out of school since the beginning of October but plans to return in January, albeit he is only going back to be able to join the League High School gaming club.  He is currently two semesters behind however, he is in credit recovery according to his dad.  We'll see, next year is supposed to be his Senior year but he has yet to complete a full year without major problems.  First year he was absent over twenty days and needed doctor verification for any abences, in tenth he stopped attending public school and was homeschooled however, about a month into home schooling stopped doing work and failed the semester. He returned to public school in January however, quickly added up 15 absences by March but did finish the year.   In eleventh , not having made up the first semester of credits during the summer he was enrolled in credit recovery, however this is the semester he stopped doing work in October and withdrew .  The school counselors recommended he take either the GED or the StepHi alternative diploma pathway.  After a couple of heated discussions it was annouced after coming back from his mother's at Thanksgiving that he would be returning to the school in January .  And here we are.

I think he is a nice kid, he goes off to help his friends jump start their cars or drive his friends places all the time.  However, I do have issue with the fact that his dad and I pay for the gas for his car.  When I asked about a job, I was told that he needed to get his grades up , then he dropped out and wasn't really going anywhere.   I asked about a job again since he was just sleeping and gaming.  That was when I was told he was going back to school.  Needless to say I don't think he'll be getting a job anytime soon, however, if school does not work out again and he drops out , he will be getting a job.  He'll be seventeen in a couple of days.   

I am just not able to relate to this kid.  In fact he starts my anxiety.  I have thought about going to a counselor .   I try to say hi , good morning that type of thing to him but rarely get a response back.  The last discussion I had with his dad , I said I was done trying.  His son is the one that needs to change.   So he doesn't like what I cook, you can still join us and make his own dinner.  I know, from the posts on the forum I am enabling.    One thing I have learned is that I can only change myself, others have to change on their own.  I love his dad and really nothing has been as smooth as I would like in terms of blending our families.  It may be a cop out , however, I am just trying to get through this.  My daughter acted similarly to him early on.  It hit a head when his son accused my daughter of bullying him.   I needless to say did not act or say what I should've.   I'm not sure exactly what my daughter was doing to bully him since she hardly saw him let alone spoke to him.  He claimed she was the reason why he didn't come up more often.   In hindsight, I probably should have let him go to the school counselor and turn in, then a investigation would have revealed what was really going on.  I said something to the effect that my daughter was well known at the high school and since he was unable to verbalize exactly what kind of bullying was going on it probably wouldn't go any further and he would not be believed.  I know , not the best way to respond.   Anyway after a bit more of a hard journey, it finally came to a head of him giving me a ultimatum, him or her.   I had a heart to heart conversation, she resumed counseling and now they have a ok relationship.  She talks to him, asks him questions and will linger over televison or dinner with us.  She probably won't have a warm fuzzy relationship with him but at least its respectful and she doesn't ignore him.    My husband didn't send his son to counseling at the time but is now.  We had a bad experience with one counselor who totally turned the son against both of us.  He is now visting another counselor .  He was taking anti-depressants but expressed desire to be off of them and his BioMom suggested CBD oil which he is now taking in gummy form.   I can hear him downstairs laughing and talking to friends but when he comes up he truly acts likes he hates his life and barely acknowledges us.   He talks to his dad a bit more.   

My sons have gotten along with him.  He doesn't acknowledge my daughter.   I am going to try again this year as his dad says "i'm the adult."   Thus the blog, we'll how this journey goes.  Its day two and 10:18 in the morning.  Haven't heard anything from him but the day is still young and we're having spaghetti for dinner so maybe he'll join us if he's awake.  We eat at 5 and I'm pretty sure the light will be on and he'll be talking at 4:30 but when dinner comes around the light will be off and no response.  Stay turned.    


Petronella's picture

I'm so glad you decided to take your story to the blogs! I was very intrigued by your forum post, it resonated with me. My SD when she lived with us, behaved a lot like your SS. Right down to the CBD crap and the accusations that other kids were "bullying" her. 

How old is your daughter now? So they go to the same school (when SS goes)?

When does school start back up again?

Your husband needs to wake up and stop blaming you!

Keep in mind that on your blog, you have control and can DELETE any comment that is stupid, aggressive, or derailing!

Sam2's picture

My daughter is 22 .  They actually never attended the school together and really had very little dealings with each other.  I think at the time he was looking for excuses as to why he wasn't coming upstairs since his dad was also having difficulites at the time with her.   

I'm excited about my blog. 


Sam2's picture

Well in an effort of trying I asked him  if he wanted to come and have some spaghetti with us.  I didn't ask his dad, I didn't ask my kids to do it, I did it.  I went down , knocked on his door and very sweetly asked him if he wanted some spaghetti.   Previously after several attempts as well as his dad not getting him I stopped asking him too.  New year, new trying.  I'll go down, ask him and move on.  I figure I'll extend the invitation so he knows he's welcome and we'll see.   I do have a sense that I am back in my college socilogy class doing a social experiment but I need to put the effort in for me .   

Some back story prior to my inviation, he woke up about 3:00 .  The timeline of this was he came up about halfway up his from his room, stopping when he heard me reply to his dad.  He then proceded to call out to his dad about enorlling him in school.  His dad replied that they would do that tomorrow and he turend and went back down to his room.  He then came up a bit later and poured himself a bowl of cereal and milk , taking it back down to his room to eat.   His dad then went down and told him that he had ordered a new fuel pump for his car but that he would probably have to drive his dad's car to school as the pump would not be in for his car.  Probably should mention here that he got his mother's car this summer and its been a bit of a project car for his dad with problems.  the latest, he had gone to jump start a friends car and his car died.  It had to be towed back to the house .   Anyway, he was not happy and I heard his dad tell him that he would have to drive his car or walk.   So yeah , basically I didn't hold high hopes of his joining us for dinner.  He was friendly sounding when he replied no .  So overall invitation extended, turned down and tomorrow is another day.   

Petronella's picture

No surprise that he declined the dinner. It was good to ask him yourself, I'd continue doing that, it costs you nothing and might sink in to him eventually.

I am shaking my head that his dad is doing all the work on the kid's car. SS should be out there helping his dad do the repairs. Or else, no car. This is very enabling behavior on your husband's part.

Who's paying for the insurance and gas on SS's car? A kid with no job does not need a car.