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Who is lying? SD or BM?

sadlonelyone's picture

SD14 has been living with us in a different state for 5 months to go to school in person here. Her spring break starts March 5th and BM told DH that SD is lonely here and "needs to come home." DH and I booked a hotel to meet BM halfway to transport SD's computer and thought SD would be with BM starting next month. 

I mentioned it to SD last night and she just thought she was going to visit BM for 2 weeks, not move back home. She said BM didn't say anything and they "only talk to say hi."

BM told DH they talk *at least* 30 minutes a night and talked 2 hours the other day. When BM called SD during dinner the other day, they were on the phone 5 minutes max and SD didn't rush BM off the phone to eat. 

Is SD lying to me to not hurt my feelings or does BM just want SD home? I know if BM wants SD back, SD will do it because she won't make decisions for herself, especially against what BM wants.


sadlonelyone's picture

I could do that because we provide the phone.. I just hate being lied to. It sounds like BM is just pushing her agenda (What's new? She was begging for SD to be here since March last year) and SD is playing clueless.

JRI's picture

SHOCKING!! A SM being lied to!!  Whoever heard of that, Im shocked, I tell you!  Lol.

sadlonelyone's picture

What do you think is happening, though? I f-ing hate being lied to.

JRI's picture

Im not sure whats happening, obviously theres a communication lack.  I often saw my SKs tell me what they thought I wanted to hear.  I think they were doing the same with BM.  This topic seems too big to let go, how about you and DH sitting down with SD, possibly even get BM on the phone, too.  At her age, I think it would be a big deal moving away from friends, wherever they are.

sadlonelyone's picture

We don't want her to go but I also don't want to be blamed for the reason she's unhappy and she chooses to isolate herself so I've no idea what else to do.

JRI's picture

If all 4 of you are on a teleconference, I cant see how you would be blamed.  Or, better yet, once the 3 of them start talking, leave the room.  Would that work?

Stepdrama2020's picture

Being lied to is part of the SM's life. Trust no one. You can check SD's phone logs to see how often and how long she talks. If there are long calls you know SD is lying to you. She could be doing that to spare your feelings or to make her look like the innocent one in all this. For all you know SD plays both sides of the coin because it works for her. 


sadlonelyone's picture

My parents weren't dysfunctional like BM and DH when they divorced so I'm having a hard time being empathetic. Just be honest. Playing dumb is just.... dumb.

advice.only2's picture

Honestly it sounds like SD's parents need to stop playing games and actually talk to one another, I know easier said than done.
As for SD she is a teenager, they are notorious for telling people one thing, and other people another. My BD does that same stuff sometimes and I tell her if she would cut the crap and just tell people what she wants it would make her life and situations go so much easier.

sadlonelyone's picture

BM and DH decided this and SD is playing clueless. Maybe she thought she was finishing the school year because she said she thought she was only staying 2 weeks for spring break. I think BM is exaggerating about the call times and I also don't put it past SD to lie to me.

MissK03's picture

Why wouldn't she finish the school year with you guys? Just because she supposedly wants to go back to BMs? Does she have friends with you? 

Seems like a lot to move and switch schools end of the school year. Also, the back forth with schools doesn't seem healthy. IMO 

sadlonelyone's picture

I don't think it is but she is failing both schools so I think her parents don't see it as an issue and BM told DH she "needs to come home" and is lonely here. She made a couple friends but nothing outside of school and she won't join yearbook club which is basically the only extracurricular they have.

BM was begging him to take her less than a year ago when SD ended up in a mental hospital and got CPS called on BM. I think she maybe didn't want her here in the first place.

I just want to know who is lying: BM to get SD back or SD to avoid confrontation? SD genuinely seemed surprised that she was going home permanently and said she "only says hi" to her mom on the phone and thought she was coming back after spring break. I didn't ask her these things, she told me that when I told her that I was told she'd discussed it with BM. I just told her to ask me questions if has any (she knows I'm always honest and straight forward) and DH says he'll talk to her tonight. BM is a known liar so I do at least think she's exaggerating.

MissK03's picture

If she's lying to you about how long she talks to her mother for on the phone.. eh I wouldn't stress about it. We have no idea how often/when skids actually "talk" to BM. We don't ask. (Skids live with us full time and BM stopped visitation 3 years ago.. they are teens) 


I would be more concerned about SDs well being and the constant moving states and schools. 

Is there a custody order? Just because the BM is lonely shouldn't decided if SD goes back to her. 

sadlonelyone's picture

No custody order or child support so I don't know if we can tell SD she has a choice. SD says she didn't want to move here anyway so I assume she'll just go with BM and not rock the boat. And BM said SD was lonely here but I also assume BM is lonely without SD. She's her "favorite" out of her 3 kids. Yes, BM actually told DH that. 

And I'm leaning toward BM wanting SD back because SD really seemed like she didn't know this plan but DH swears BM said they'd discussed it. 

ESMOD's picture

I guess it's possible that it is BM angling to have SD come home.  I honestly can't believe that your DH wouldn't have had a discussion with his child about her "wishes" that BM is relaying before he agreed to some big change in residence for his daughter.

Time for him to take the bull by the horns.. talk to his child.. tell her what Mom is telling HIM.. and tell her that if she wants to go.. he does not have a problem with it.. he would miss her of course.. but if that is truly what she wants.. he just needs to hear that from her directly. If it is BM who is really playing the games.. he can straighten her out and stop the permanent transfer.

Bm may miss child support too...

sadlonelyone's picture

There is no CO or CS but it is tax time and I think BM wants to keep that child tax credit even though our income excludes us from it anyway.. BM has 2 other kids so I'm sure it's a nice little bonus for her.

ndc's picture

Seems to me the easiest thing to do is to have a phone call or video call with SD, DH and BM so that SD, BM or both of them can call the other out for lying and DH can get to the bottom of it.  SD can tell DH if she wants to go to BM, or she can tell them she wants to stay.  It's not uncommon for a skid to say one thing to one parent and something quite different to the other.  They often tell a parent what they think that parent wants to hear.  So force her to speak with both parents at the same time.  

sadlonelyone's picture

I doubt that will happen but DH needs to talk to SD at the very least. If she wants to finish the school year here, she can do that.