You are here

Now it's up to SD

sadlonelyone's picture

DH asked BM to call him and now it's SD's decision if she's coming back to us after spring break. Last week BM said SD was lonely here and "needs to be home" and they were planning to do the transfer in less than a month without really confronting SD. BM swore they talked at great lengths and that's what SD wanted. Not exactly the truth. I hate that woman. 


justmakingthebest's picture

My heart breaks for your SD. The adults in her life should be making these decisions, not her. It is not a fair place to put her in!

ESMOD's picture

I think it's fine to let a teen have some imput into this decision... assuming "all things being equal".. that their life would be equally safe/enriching etc.. at either parent's home (assuming they can't do 50/50 due to distance.

It sounds like dad is willing to allow her to move back with mom.. if that is what she truly wants.  This would assume that she would still have contact and some visitation with her dad.. and that her mom's is a safe place for her etc..   It sounds like CS is not an issue.. but perhaps the claiming for tax purposes?  I think that her parent's could still agree to let BM claim her maybe?  as long as they don't both want to claim her???

It does sound like BM wants this... perhaps to solve some of her own emotional needs.. that isn't probably the best solution.. but it's possible that she wants more time with her mom too... maybe not full time.. but more time.


sadlonelyone's picture

BM is "stable" in the sense the bills are paid and food is on the table and they have nice things. BM is also narcissistic, controlling, and most likely medicated for mental health issues. She called SD a psycho last year when SD was admitted to a psych hospital after getting CPS called on BM and her dad. It broke my heart when SD told me that because BM never apologized for it. You don't tell your kid, especially a fragile teenager, that she's psycho!

I'm sure BM is afraid of us having custody affecting taxes but we don't qualify for the tax credits so it's not an issue. I don't think BM knows that so I'm sure she's trying to protect it.

And SD was going to spend an extra week (for a total of 2) for spring break with BM but then BM called DH and said SD is ready to go home permanently. She spent the entire winter break with BM and we didn't see SD for Xmas or New Years and it isn't even an issue. I assumed she'd spend most of the summer with BM then decide where she wanted to go to school next year. 

GBM told SD to make a pros and cons list for both places and decide which makes the most sense for her. We all only want her to be successful and BM and SD fight like cats and dogs when together for too long. It was a possibility at one point that SD could live with GBM and her husband just died so DH mentioned that.. I can't even imagine what SD is feeling right now.

I told her to talk to me and ask questions but she says she has been physically and emotionally upset and has been staying in her room besides to talk to DH last night. 

notarelative's picture

Since neither parent has actually discussed this with SD (or each other), what BM is actually saying is that if I decide I want SD here that's where she will be. If I decide my life is better without her, she comes back to you. 

Neither parent seems to want to actually parent or consider what is best for their child.

sadlonelyone's picture

I agree but DH prefers to remain non-confrontational and now it's all on SD. BM told DH that SD told her and that they decided SD needs to be back home. 

Thumper's picture

Last week BM said SD was lonely here and "needs to be home"


F bm. Is that what the child said too?

Sorry---I am just over all of this custody bull shit that everyone is going thru. It's crap.


sadlonelyone's picture

BM told DH that's what SD said. DH trusted BM because SD isn't very open with him so he assumed her mother was being honest about her feelings and their conversations. I wonder if GBM talked to BM after she talked to SD last night.

advice.only2's picture

No wonder this SD has issues, with an overbearing mother and a mealy mouthed father she can't win.

sadlonelyone's picture

My mom told me you can't care more than the parents but I feel like besides GBM and me, her parents are just kinda checked out. I'd almost rather SD live with GBM instead of BM if she moves back home.