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Vent: Always last minute planning constituting an emergency on our part..

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We have always asked BM for a reasonable amount of time to plan trips to fly SD14 up here since Delta charges $150 per flight per unaccompanied minor. DH just told me SD wants to come up for Father's Day, 2 weeks from tomorrow. I told BM myself back on April 25th, almost 6 weeks ago, to specifically NOT do this but here we are. DH asked for dates back in March at spring break before that. DH is telling her to pay for it or SD isn't coming.

BM told DH that SD14 wants to identify as male

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She had said in the last couple years she likes girls and now told BM she can't call her her daughter and that's why they've been fighting over there. I don't even know what to think about this or how/ if to reach out to SD. She hasn't texted me back since I told her to make it work at BM's or she's staying with us until 18 if she decides to come back here.

SD14 ignoring us after told she's staying with us permanently until she's 18 if she comes back

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She ignored that text and 2 other unrelated texts over the weekend. DH also told SD and BM to call him together and that never happened, either. I hate the "daddy save me" call (not the first time) and getting us all worried only for it to basically be "business as usual" in BM's home since they all treat each other like crap.

Update: DH hasn't talked to BM yet about abuse language toward SD14

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To recap from last night, I texted SD to check on her and she told me this:

"I keep getting into arguments with mom and SF. and last night SF said the only way to teach me respect would be to beat me, then he said maybe it'd be better if they put me in a foster home and let someone else have me.

He also told me that he was gonna take the kids and leave in front of mom and the kids

That's not what mom said, she told me that it was all my fault, everything , the arguments, me failing school, SF being mad all the time, the messed up family dynamic, everything."

SD14 crying to come back after TWO 600 mile moves in less than a year, BM and SF threatening foster care and SD fears SF will hit her

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All of the title. To refresh: SD lived with us 5 months and decided to go back to BM in March. SD called DH late last night saying she is in fear of being physically abused, SF is threatening to take their mutual kids, and they both threatened to send SD away to "foster care" for not doing so well in school and I'm sure for SD's defiant attitude..

DH doesn't want to tell SD14 about SIL's death and BM said she wants to be there to comfort SD

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DH isn't talking about it right now but BM knows and texted him "to let her know when he's calling so she can be with SD." Advice from my previous post says SD should hear it from DH but I offered to call. 

I hate BM but think one of us should tell SD. Would it be ok if I told her?

Sister-in-law dead at 35, SD14 doesn't know

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She was an alcoholic and couldn't stop drinking. She had early cirrhosis at 30 and also had heart issues that she was medicated for. Her son will be 12 in less than a month and lives with his dad after SIL lost custody 5 years ago. She's been to the ER and rehab too many times to count. Their mom died at 53, 14 years ago when SIL was 21 and she never really recovered from that and losing custody was her excuse to keep drinking.

SD14 didn't text or call for my birthday

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I don't know why I was at least expecting a text but I was.. my bday is St. Patty's day so I was 99% sure she would remember. I texted DH this morning and said she didn't say anything and he said "she probably doesn't know" and I asked if he really thought she didn't know after 9 years and he said "idk but I don't think it's worth being upset about." 

He's right so not sure why I even care. I'm not talking to my own SM so maybe I'm just sore that she didn't call yesterday, either.

Disenrolled SD from school today and dumb things BM makes up

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I've been posting about SD moving back to our home state with BM after 6 months here. BM tried to keep SD at the school in our state online until the end of the year but they told her no. When I returned SD's things this morning, they asked where SD's new school was and I had no idea..

I vented to the counselor a little and said that none of this was our plan and she told me to have BM call when they know where the transcripts are going.