Detachment and DH’s birthday
DH's birthday is in a couple of weeks. Prior to the 2022 blow up, we would celebrate with all 4 of our kids and the two older kids' partners. My SKs weren't perfect, but we did all gel as a group and our family dinners were always fun. Last year, SS and future-ex-DIL came to dinner and it was a disaster. This year neither of the SKs are coming which is how it has to be. But my heart is still sad for DH and full of nostalgia for how it used to be. I know this detachment is the right thing for me and for my marriage, and most days it feels very freeing, but I hate it for my DH. He deserves so much better from his kids. It sends me down a slippery slope of guilt and renews my sense of urgency to "fix" things (which I'm successfully avoiding). My question for people who have successfully detached is this: did you feel this way in the beginning? Do you still feel this way? How did/do you cope with it?
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Comments
If he wanted more of a
If he wanted more of a relationship with his kids.. he would make it happen.. "in spite" of you.. he would figure it out.. it's not your family or relationship to fix.. if he wants to fix it.. you have your boundaries.. he is free to see his adult kids outside the home.. he could certainly have a lunch with them out.. then dinner with you later.. but has he planned it? have they? no.. so there you go.. they don't care ... so stop twisting yourself over it.
Another vote for
Don't beat yourself up. He will get over it in time. Not completely over it mind you but time does heal all wounds.
The best you can hope for is that he does not blame YOU for the situation which is a huge tendency.
Thank you thinkthrice. Him
Thank you thinkthrice. Him coming to resent me has been my biggest fear. So far, he's maintained that he places the blame for all of this mess on his kids and the rest of his toxic clan.
He and SS have planned to do
He and SS have planned to do something on their own. It's not really DH's fix either. He's set the boundary with his kids that they aren't welcome in our home if they can't be respectful to me. He's seeing a therapist on his own (in addition to our marriage counseling) to help him deal with the situation and continue to set and maintain boundaries. But none of that makes the grief and nostalgic easier. We hope it will in time, but we're in the early days of accepting that what we had (or thought we had) is over.
Trust me
The sting will always be there but the grief will fade in time especially knowing that these were full grown skids that rejected you.
Frankly he should be more disgusted with them than grieving over them and possibly a little embarrassed that they turned out to be skid-dult brats.
He's definitely disgusted and
He's definitely disgusted and embarrassed. By his kidsand his family. But like any long term abusive situation, it's still a struggle. Thank you for the reassurance that it will get better.
I felt this way when I first
I felt this way when I first disengaged. It was very difficult to sit back and watch a shit show and since I tend to be a rescuer, it was really difficult. I was a member here and the Disengagement Essay was going around and there were a couple of points on it that really helped me let go. I think 2, 3, 4 and 7 really liberated me from my urge to "help." I logically knew that my DH's relationship with his brats weren't on me to fix, but I pulled out the Disengagement Essay whenever I got the urge and it helped free me from any thoughts around being the "noble SM," who "should" do this and "should" do that. Um, no I should not. It's like a muscle. The more I fought the urge, the easier it became. It also opened DH's eyes to just how unhealthy the relationship with his kids was and how his kids were because I was no longer there to serve as blinders and I was no longer an available target.
1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.
Thank you for this. On some
Thank you for this. On some level I know that I just have to stay strong for the first bit and then it will get easier.
***SLOW CLAP***
***SLOW CLAP***
I can relate
Thanksgiving is next week and this will be the first Thanksgiving where DH won't spend with his kids, via way of me moving out of my house and having a tiny apartment now. We did celebrate a couple of times at my moms, so maybe the stepkids will ask if we will celebrate Thanksgiving there, but the truth is, I don't know that we should (or more specifically, that I should). I haven't spoken to SS18 since before he was kicked out of his trade program.
While I am on okay terms with SS24,he just had a baby and I think they should start to create their own holiday rituals. I wouldn't have minded inviting SS24 and his little family over, but I feel that inviting SS18 would be trouble, not sure why I feel that way but it's how it feels. Being that they all live together for now, I don't know that we should do the holidays together. Besides, I always felt like an outsider anyway. Sucks for DD8, I'm sure she'd want us all to be together, but I just am not of the mind to cater to people who just think of taking and taking and taking.
I always feel guilty for DH, especially now because this is all so new. But like other posters posted, if he wanted to have a better relationship with his kids, I'm not stopping him from visiting or calling them.
I'm sorry for your DD. One of
I'm sorry for your DD. One of my biggest frustrations has been what this whole mess has cost my kids. They truly bought into the blended family and believed that they had relationships with their step-siblings. But when my SD turned against me, she shut my kids out of her life as well and my kids were very saddened by it.